Long-time sufferer, first time caller

[unrealitytunnel]

Hi there,

Over the years I've read so many threads on BB I've lost count, and I know the community here is genuine and supportive and non-judgemental, an amazing support network which is essential and something too many people lack or don't realise is there until you look for it, and can rely on it.

 I'm male, 32 years old, and have been diagnosed with GAD (generalised anxiety disorder), chronic depression, and insomnia. I had a nervous breakdown in 2006 after working for a telco, but went through a bad run of GP's, psychologists and medications until I was admitted to a psych ward in 2011. I have only in the last year finally found a psych and GP that are amazing and brilliant and almost worth the wait.

 Anyway: I feel like I've made more progess in the last year than I have in the last ten, but every step forward, the mountain I have to climb grows bigger and bigger and especially, at the moment, negative thoughts, anxiety, hopelessness, loneliness, guilt (all that good stuff) life is starting to become overwhelming. 

Things are incredibly unstable for me right now. My accommodation for the last 2 years has been especially unreliable, I haven't seen my psych and GP since July of last year when things started becoming clusterf*****d (sorry for the language) and I had to move to the other side of Brisbane. I'm back where my psych and GP are but my friend support network seems to be collapsing around me. I live with my best friend of 20 years and his wife, and though they try to hide it, their relationship is on the verge of ending.

I have so many things that I want to talk about with them but my anxieties run so deep and I'm so internalised at the moment that we all seem to be throwing up defensive walls. I also have stuff I could go on for hours about but classic anxiety, I feel like "being me" at the moment is just bumming out all my friends, I feel like an emotional burden and don't want to dump my shit on them. I know this isn't the case but my brain won't let me think otherwise.

 I've always been a loner and generally just done my own thing over the years, but I'm feeling loneliness like never before. I feel such an overwhelming need to connect with other people I've never felt before. And I've been on the internet since I was 15, so this is a way I'm comfortable communicating and I think finally getting involved with this community is the way to go.

Sorry for the wall of text, but if this isn't the place where is?

[Lost_Girl]

Hi unrealitytunnel,

I am fairly new to the forums still but I wanted to welcome you and say how great it is that you have posted here.  We all need support and this is a great place to get that.

It sounds like you've made a lot of progress and that's not an easy thing to do so well done on that. Also for recognising that things are getting tough and you need some extra support right now.

Are you planning to visit your GP again soon? It sounds like you had a really good relationship with your GP and psych. It sounds like they can help get you on track again. You can chat to them as well as the wonderful people here.

I'm sure you'll get some more responses in the morning.  It sounds like your best mate and his wife are going through a rough time too. That must betough for all of you.  You'll find some people here you can talk to if you're worried about talking to your mate at the moment.

I have major depression due to chronic pain and I understand the ups and downs of depression but you will find others with more experience common to you.

I just wanted to say hello and assure you that you're not alone. And you have picked the right place for your wall of text.

I hope you can get some rest tonight.

Kind thoughts

Carol

[unrealitytunnel]

Hi Carol,

 Thanks for the reply so quick. I know it's not exactly peak hour, I wasn't expecting a reply for a while but I'm in the right mindstate to know I need to get just anything off my chest and feel heard. By the morning, I probably won't be in the mindset to even try posting.

I've just recently moved, and without getting into the details, it's been incredibly stressful, not just for myself but for the few friends who have been able to help me out of my situation. 

 I have been planning to see my GP and psych for a while. I also need to see a psychiatrist, something that was supposed to happen when I went into hospital in 2011 but never happened. I've had a long history of trying to find the right medications. Finding the motivation to actually get there on a certain day is hard though, especially when you are in a low place at the time.

 I don't just hope to rely on people here but I've had a long run with these issues, and hopefully I can provide some insight or something to someone who needs it, the way I've been helped countless times over the years.

[blondguy]

Hi unrealitytunnel and a Big Welcome to the BB Forums

Carol is spot on .....You are not alone! and you have picked the right place 🙂 My name is Paul and thankyou for having the courage to post!

I have had GAD for 25 years and I do empathize and understand what you are going through. The anxiety 'rollercoaster' ride can be an awful ride to be on. Especially the lows.

I have grabbed a sentence you wrote and I quote..."I have so many things that I want to talk about with them but my anxieties run so deep and I'm so internalised"

If you wish to can you please let us know about some of the 'many things' you want to talk about...Even by posting your thoughts you are helping others that choose not to post but read and gain from your situation.

Just a couple of quick tips if its okay..

* Please see/book a GP and have a really good vent...

* Sleep...Avoid cellphone/ipads before bed...they only over stimulate brain activity and thought processes thus can prevent a good quality sleep which is crucial to aid recovery

* Caffeine....If possible please avoid it...Its like High Octane Unleaded Fuel....just makes the mind race..

You have come a long way and tried so very hard...It can be a clusterfork (just a compliment)

We are here for you....I hope you can get back to us

Kind Thoughts for You

Paul

[unrealitytunnel]

Thanks for getting back so quick, I knew what to expect posting this in the early hours of the morning, and it's great to already get positive responses.

To Carol,

I have been planning to see my GP for the last 2 weeks. I just recently moved back to the same suburb my GP and psych are in, but it's motivation that is stopping me now. Having the motivation, and time, to visit both, is something that has only set in in the last couple of days. But the worse I feel emotionally the less I'm motivated to do anything about it, especially with everything else going on and the overbearing feeling of worthlessness. From just these posts alone however I'm motivated to get my arse in gear now. 

If you could I'd like to hear you expand on how the chronic pain has affected your mental state. I've had bad gallstones (I had multiple misdiagnoses for months before I saw a gastric specialist and was rushed into surgery after nearly 18 months of excrutiating pain), and a completely snapped ankle that took 9 months before I could walk unaided. I know that kind of thing is difficult to talk about, if you have any posts you can link, I'd be fascinated to read them.

To Paul,

As you can obviously tell, I have a lot of things on my mind that I want to talk about. Part of the anxiety rollercoaster you're aware of, is that I'm at a point right now where I feel completely uncomfortable talking to even my close friends about the real shit. I can totally have a conversation with my close friends, but I feel like I'm taking on the same role I take when I'm talking to complete strangers - just a mask I wear while being "social".

I keep my face neutral, I carefully consider everything that's said before making a reply, never going with just a gut reaction. I pull the same mental tricks with them as I do in normal, everyday interactions with people: Stay polite, don't tread into "deep" territory. don't let your facial expressions or tells let them know what you're thinking. Even though these are my close friends I feel incapable of showing my true face, even though they're aware of every defensive maneuvour I take. They are probably more aware of how my mental state effects me, and I know they see more than I let on, but at the moment they feel as distant as the moon.

As far as the insomnia goes, I'm yet to have a sleep study, and I've tried a -lot- of stuff over the years to help me sleep. Not a lot works. It's a whole other bag wrapped up in bullshit I hope to unravel one day.

[geoff]

hello, and I'm so pleased that you have been able to connect with a site which you can relate to.
The hopeliness, the guilt, and all the other issues which you have mentioned are always with us, it's how you have learnt on how to cope with them or deal with each particular illness, because when we develop depression it's impossible for us to even want to think about any of these, because if we do then we get ourselves into deeper water and the confusion becomes unbearable, but compare this to when you have overcome depression then know what to expect and what the likely outcome will be, so then we can rationaly work through each one.
I have overcome my depression but it's still there and it won't go away, that's what I now realise and could expect it to return back to me, and it does this by me having a relapse.
I can't stop these relapses because normally they start for a reason, but now I know that they will go away as quickly as they came, that's the part to all of this that I have learnt.
In your situation is the couple you are living with maybe at a stage where they will break up, so not only can you see the signs of this, you can also read how they react to each other when something is said, and it's impossible for them to hide it, you know the signs, that's what you have learnt, this may not help you now I realise.
Being lonely goes much deeper when you can't relate to with other people, but by communicating with us we hope will help you. Geoff.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi unrealitytunnel,

I understand the lack of motivation. Somedays I find it hard just to move from the bedroom to the loungeroom or even to have a shower let alone going out to my GP. However I am glad you're feeling a bit more motivated. My GP is pretty much the only outing I have at the moment, other than psychologist and neurologist. It's very much worth it. My GP has been a tremendous help and I would encourage you to try and get to yours, I am sure you will feel better for having done so.

My story is in a feed called "chronic pain managed ONLY by antidepressants. Did this work for you". If you look in new threads you should find it. Happy to help in any way I can. Sounds like you have been through a rough time. You can read more in my feed but I broke my humerus at the shoulder in 3 places then later had muscle spasms in my back and neck and now have a constant headache and pressure in my ears and have just been diagnosed with TMJ.

I'm so glad you're looking to share your experience too. It is really helpful to people. This forum is full of wonderful people sharing their stories. 

I look forward to hearing from you either here or on my feed.

Cheers,

Carol