living with partner who has anxiety and depression.

Stephane · ‎31-03-2019

Hi everyone

this is my first time in a forum about mental illness.

i am 37, my wife who suffers from depression and anxiety is 32 was diagnosed last year even though it started many years before that.

i am here to talk to other carers, or people who are in relationships with people who have depression.

i understand that my wife goes through bad days, and worse days but i am also struggling to deal with the constant mood swings and loss of intimacy.

If there is anyone out there to chat, so that i can get some advice on how to keep my own sanity it would be much appreciated.

I am not trying to sound insensitive, i am just trying to keep my relationship alive.

Thank you kindly

MsPurple · ‎31-03-2019

HI Stephane and welcome to the forums

I myself have GAD, and some of my family members have bipolar. It can be tough living with people with a mental illness that you don't understand. I never understood the highs they would have. It can be hard and it is not insensitive to struggle as a carer at times. As long as you do your best it is all you can do.

I thought I'd share you a video on from the WHO about living with someone who has the black dog. I found it helpful: https://www.mhinnovation.net/resources/living-black-dog-video

I hope other carers come and offer you some support as well

RicardoD · ‎31-03-2019

That takes great courage Stephane to write a post like that and I admire that you're reaching out into the forum for help. Unfortunately I'm on the other side with, thankfully, an understanding partner like your good self. I hope someone can give you the advice you need.

Pebblez · ‎31-03-2019

Greetings Stephane. My husband began with undiagnosed-inherited Anxiety (social mostly), which developed into MDD for 5yrs 2013-18. With him its mostly A first then D, it seems with your wife its the other way around. In either case, your wife's 'seat of good judgement' (Pre-frontal Cortex) is being directly affected by the emotional (Limbic) part of brain - because the two are directly connected. Therefore, she can perceive her environment & those in it incorrectly (mood swings, irritability, grumpy towards you) and limbic holds the 'drive' system (sexual included), which is also being affected. It would be like she's looking through dark glasses where small issues will be blown out into monstrous proportions. There is the high chance that you will be blamed for some/all of the negative feelings she encounters and if she hasn't already, she will begin to withdraw and shut people out.

Being dragged along behind her rollercoaster with your ankle caught in the carriage, will be very easily done. If you happen to find yourself banging your head against the track, remind yourself of the above, that there is a 'medical reason' for her actions and you are not the cause. This will allow you to step back and view each situation objectively. To a long time carer, this is not insensitive. Regarding her withdrawal, D is highly 'inward' looking and one of her biggest 'coping' methods she will engage is to hide and potentially want you to facilitate this by changing you, or asking you to do/not do things. This is where it gets tough, to respect her while trying to protect yourself as well. One thing I've learned is that changing myself to accommodate hiding, not only doesn't help myself, but harms the sufferer as well. Because me becoming like my husband (so he's not affected by me & therefore can cope better), only reflects back to him those actions/perceptions are correct and normal. Keep your relationship alive by remaining who she fell in love with, so as to be a reminder of reality and normality, not PFC affected unreality she is now believing.

Pebblez

Stephane · ‎01-04-2019

Thank you for this.

My wife has been on medication for about 6 months now and it has greatly improved her conversations but i can still she that she keeps many things inside. Her anxiety kicks in when she can't handle a situation (no matter how small it can be). And the fact that she has OCD does not help at all. Constantly cleaning, even though i clean and try to do the best job i can, she will clean directly after me. Very frustrating.

I have had to get my own counselling to deal with this, and it helps for a while but i am so scared that this is my life now. I already came out of one marriage for someone cheating on me, now i have this. Not looking for sympathy but i'm just stuck in how to move forward as this has been chipping away at me for the best part of 3 years.

Even our honeymoon was a shambles because she just had constant anxiety.

She is seeing a new psychologist now who is going deeper than the previous counselor was. So i hope there might be some progress as to what is triggering her anxiety and why she feels so depressed.

I feel guilty for having thoughts of "this may not work out", but i am so mentally exhausted.

I have taken care of myself by getting fit, and eating properly. Seeing friends when i can but sometimes i just don't want to go home.

And i think the main problem i have right now is that I love my wife but i am not In love with her, not sure if you can understand that. The lack of intimacy for so long and lack of emotional connection has taken its toll.

I also guess i am letting this out here because, there might be others that have had the same thoughts and feelings and that you might have a bit of knowledge on how to hold on.

Thank you

Pebblez · ‎02-04-2019

Greetings Stephane. It is good she is on meds. The OCD in my eldest daughter is only slight, so my knowledge is low at this stage (yet to research), if her psych'st is a good one, she will get to this area in due course. In the meantime, my advice is to not enter into her OCD areas, as that battle on ur prt is already lost & will lead to frustration. Best ask HER what areas that you can do to help.

As for Counsellors & Psychologists, don't get the 2 confused, C only deals with the 'current' P's deal with what's underneath & will engage the correct method (CBT ∨ REBT) for her. For you, seeing a P NOT a C is essential! Get a mental healthcare plan from GP, as P will help you with ur self-esteem issues of past marriage, but will also explain what is going on with wife. 'Understanding' in ur situation is a deal-breaker in coping. As for feeling scared this is ur lotnlife now, I know, consider this-u r placed with her b/c ur the rgt person to love her, the tools to do this u already possess-ur P will uncover the tools for u & give u new ones to use.

Feeling like u don't want to go hm is common 4 me 2, don't be ashamed, ur not alone. Re 'I luv my wife, but not in luv with her', knowing the difference may help. The first is a DECISION (conscious, purposeful), the second is a FEELING (fleeting, fickle). I'm a poet, I have changed the [last word] in the poem below, as the original word is Faith based & it wouldn't be allowed here. I wrote it while at an engagement party in 2014, while in the midst of deep pain of not being loved by my husband. Emotionally speaking, it was the toughest poem I've ever written. Hope it helps.

Love
High on the mountain amongst the clouds,
Love is fun.
Low in the valley amongst the rocks
Love is tough.
Soaring through moments of pure joy,
Love will strengthen.
Or lost in the maze of life’s season’s,
Love will guide.

The Light will always shine through fickle emotions.
For underneath it all …
Love … is [a decision].

(Copy right - PebCol)

Stephane · ‎16-04-2019

thank you for taking the time to write back. It is very much appreciated.

IDoBelieve · ‎19-04-2019

Hi Stephanie, I cried when I read your post. I felt like I was so alone. My ex suffered I believe bi polar, undiagnosed, this lead to our marriage breakdown, it wasn’t nice, it took its toll on me... but over time I wanted to date again.. then I met this wonderful man.. I felt safe, looked after, life was calm.. so we got married. Life changed. I feel like he hid his depression from me, I didn’t see it before, but suddenly little things became big things. I’ve really tried so hard to be understanding, to be supportive, I mean I know he can’t help it, but I had to fight to get him to seek help, he’s on medication now but that took years. He’s still up and down, not as severe as before but emotionally I’m so tired. I am seeing a counselor myself because it’s so hard (and I have 4 kids to look after as well). He won’t see a councilor. I don’t know that I can do this forever. I love him, but I don’t know if it’s going to be enough.. your not alone xxx