just want to text somethings out to feel a bit better, sorry if ur reading ;-;

[lillief]

I feel depressed these days, I've just gotten my reports back (I'm in high school) and I'm not within my mum's expectations. If I'm honest I don't think I have ever been within her expectations, she never thinks I'm good enough and I think I can finally realise that and face it... sigh

Every time I get awards and achieve something that I feel proud of she will always say how she has been able to do that too but younger than me and how I wasn't able to do it as well and as fast as her. I don't think I will ever get up to her expectations, she has always been an allrounder in all subjects and I've only been able to get slightly above average (my grades have been going down a bit now) so way inferior to her.

Now she wants me to move schools just because she thinks it is better and everyone there is successful, even tho she doesn't know that I have anxiety talking to people and I have finally made friends. I have so much trouble making friends and I can't even tell her about that. I have never talked to her about my wellbeing and I don't think I will ever be able to.

All I do now is listen to sad songs, stare out the window, and study, I cant tell my friends because I'm not that close to them and I do not want to burden them by telling them. I can't tell my school because they will then tell my mum and nothing good will come out of that. now I feel really empty knowing that I just want to make my mum proud but I guess it isn't happening, not now not really ever.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there

I’m glad you’re here and you’ve shared your thoughts, and I hope that it’s helped you to feel a little better. I think as parents (I’m a mum), we put a lot of pressure on our young people and we forget how that feels, and I’m sorry for that. Personally, I’d have loved it if my young person had shared how he was feeling in high school. It might have helped us work together a bit better. What do you think your mum might say if you talked to her about your feelings?

I would love you to know that there are people who you can talk to, that won’t tell your mum. Your school counsellor is one of them. They will let you know under what circumstances they would need to talk to a parent. But most things are just between the two of you. Kids Helpline - you can always phone them for support too. It sounds like it might be nice for you to have someone to talk to. And you’re always welcome to chat here.

Have you thought about what you might like to do when you finish school? My son is 25 now and still figuring it out 🙂

Kind thoughts to you, Katy

[geoff]

Hello Lillief, sometimes the expectations from parents wanting their children to do much better are not fair because in doing this, it puts way too much pressure on them in a situation that is not comparable to when they were at school.

There can't be any comparison to when your mother was at school until now, the whole system has changed and will keep changing, so the next 10 years will not be the same as it currently is.

The marks your mother achieved are impossible to even judge against what you have done, it's a completely different time frame, so you can't be inferior than her, it doesn't work that way, for example when my kids were at school I said I'd help them with maths, but the way I was taught they didn't understand how I could help them, the way they were taught was completely different, so you can't compare the old style to the current.

If you are suffering from anxiety then moving schools is only going to increase this.

You are able to contact Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 by phone, webchat or online who will be able to help you through this situation and hope you can get back to us.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi lillief

I have to say you're doing an amazing job, under the circumstances. With anxiety and shyness, for you to have made some friends is amazing. It really is. Under the circumstances of having a mum who can't help but tell you how brilliant she is, you're doing an amazing job in working to analyse how this is impacting your wellbeing. I imagine you're amazing in other ways too, maybe in ways you don't even realise.

As a mum, I believe one of my roles is 'Leader/guide'. Having experienced depression in the earlier part of my life for a number of years, I am conscious of the need to not just lead in regard to physical wellbeing/health but also mental and spiritual. When I say 'spiritual', I don't mean in a religious sense, more so in a soulful or natural sense.

lillief, if there's one natural skill worth knowing (which I teach my kids) it's the skill of sensing who's depressing, something you can get a feel for. If you can develop this skill, it's of benefit in a couple of ways. First, being able to easily sense who's depressing in a degrading way puts you on alert. You can become alert to the fact such a person is going to bring you down either intentionally or unintentionally. You can be prepared for depressing conversations. Kind of like 'Okay, let's see how many ways you can bring me down. Bring it on, let me count 'em'. It becomes about looking at their lack of filter and inability to inspire. You can take it to a whole new level and even begin to wonder about them, why they lack the ability to inspire. You may even come to question them. The 2nd benefit involves this sense leading you to feel who is inspiring, in comparison. It's like an internal compass. True north feels inspirational, everything going south (people/situations bringing you down) feels depressing.

I mentioned abilities you may not realise you have. I bet you have the abilities of a sensitive/a feeler. These are incredible abilities you can do so much with. Perhaps your mum doesn't possess many of these abilities. I imagine you're far more advanced than her. While developing and mastering your sensitivity can be deeply challenging, a good start can involve taking things from 'What's wrong with me?' to 'What am I sensing in that person?'. Are they depressing you, draining you, agitating you, inspiring you, guiding you toward a constructive path, looking down on you while putting themself on a pedestal etc. Each one has a feel to it.

I believe we're sensitive for good reason 🙂

[lillief]

Hi,

thanks for replying. I just want to say when you first stated that I was doing great it really made me feel really warm inside, I don't normally get compliments so really, thank you so much for just saying that. (really grateful)

(this is kinda off track of what you said) Honestly, I am quite sensitive in many ways like you said, for some reason, I'm always alert and reading the room. I'm was always the therapist in my previous school, people would come up to me and tell their story then ask for advice when inside I didn't even know what advice I need and if I needed someone to talk to even though inside I was hurting. Back then and now I would ask myself 'why?', 'why am I doing this?', 'why am I so sensitive?', why am I so weird?'.

When I feel and see someone feeling sad I will always help and do what I can but I sometimes ask 'why can tell they are feeling sad?' 'Why does no one see that this person here is hurting?'. I think even though sometimes they may pull me down by making me help them in some sort of way like feeling sad with them or giving them ideas or just standing up for them i think it's worth it.

[lillief]

Hi, thanks for replying

it did help me feel better after texting some problems out, and if I was to answer your question of telling my mum my feelings I do think it will be kinda ignored, this is because of I few reasons, I don't normally tell her my feelings and express my feelings, last time I did it she thought there was something wrong with me, just because don't really show my emotions. I honestly just think that she doesn't really realise that I'm not her and I'm just a human that can't get the same achievements as her.

Secondly why I don't think I can express my feelings is that I'm the middle child and I have the expectation of beating my brother in every way but if I was to do my brother would be overshadowed and I don't want him to be like I am now. He is already under a lot of pressure of getting ready for his exam (HSC) and he has been crying overpressure these days. I don't know how to help, i feel so useless when i see him cry over stress and i start crying too.

for the question of telling my school counselor, I don't want to do that because one of my friends went to the school counselor and everything she told the counselor they told her mum. now her mum has a bad perspective of her.

I'm still not sure what I want to do after school, I love sport from things from netball to a lot of styles of dance (i train 8 hours a week) to shotput. I also really enjoy doing art and singing and also for some reason science. my mum wants me to learn finances because she does it and because she earns quite a lot from it. she says it ok to have what I enjoy as hobbies but I will never make a living off them, aka I will never be successful like her. so I have no idea of what want to do.

[therising]

Hi lillief

You sound like an empath. This is a truly beautiful trait to possess, yet a very challenging one at the same time. I've heard empaths say that unless they develop certain skills or abilities in managing this trait/gift it can be a truly exhausting one because they're feeling so much so often. One of these skills is the ability to still feel yet turn the volume down on feeling while turning the volume up on intuition/natural solution. I suppose an example might be - While your friend might be grieving over their beloved pet who has passed, instead of you fully feeling their pain you basically feel their pain while opening your mind to what may ease their pain. What may suddenly come to mind 'Take them out for a treat when it comes to their favourite food (maybe ice-cream) as you encourage them to vent'. What may naturally come to mind may seem strange, yet there may be good reason for it. So, you trust your intuition and take them out for ice-cream and they end up saying 'You know what, this is exactly what I needed (to get out of the house and feel some joy)'. There are various skills emapths develop which may be worth researching.

Chances are you can feel another's pain when no one else can because of a high sensitivity to feeling it. It's like you've got radar that no one else seems to have. While you may wonder why you're 'weird', 'different' or why you stand out, it's because you're outstanding. Simple as that - you're outstanding, different from those who don't have this ability to feel or sense so easily. Think of Clark Kent (Superman), with his abilities, in a crowd of everyday people 🙂

With the academic side of things, what's perhaps worth considering is your strengths or 'super powers' may lay in feeling, sensing, empathy, imagination/visualising, intuition and so on, therefor your brain may not be geared to function from a pure 100% academic perspective. At the other end of the spectrum, you can have someone who has a brain like a super computer (easily calculating from an academic perspective), yet they lack the abilities you do (feeling, imagination and so on). While the 2 may never be able to reach the other end of the spectrum, based on their natures, they can manage to meet somewhere in the middle. It just might take a lot of hard work to get there. Me, I'm a feeler and therefor would have to work harder than a natural calculator to achieve a certain academic standard. Is your mum more of a natural calculator than a feeler?