It comes and goes

Irishman · ‎16-09-2018

Hi. My first post. I suffered terribly some years ago, in the aftermath of whistleblowing. Yep, it took me all the way to nearly 'the end'. But, I fought it over several years, went to law school and created a new life for myself. BUT, it's like herpes simplex...it just lurks below the skin, waiting for a time of weakness. Like now, for me. Strange thing is...I have spent the past 10 years helping others, to show that it is possible to 'start again', as I have. Every now and then I feel it coming, but at least I know what it is, what to expect, how to manage it. I have never reached out before, never. Don't know why, but I felt a need to join the Forums tonight, and to post. There is a reason for everything, I believe. No doubt I will emerge whether it be in a few days or a week or two, but I'll get there. Still, it is a horrible collection of feelings, and really, it is difficult to share. Anyway, I just wanted to say hi to fellow warriors. I hate the onset, but it's good when it goes back into it's insidious dark corner. People wish they could go back and live their lives again, differently. Well, I did that. I started day one of my new life going to law school. it is never too late. Cheers...take control of it, before it takes control of you!

blondguy · ‎17-09-2018

Hello Irish

Welcome and thankyou for being a part of the Beyond Forum Family 🙂

You are spot on Irish...there is a reason for everything. You have been helping people in pain for the past 10 years....and thats providing serious support to people that are doing it hard....Good on you!

We have never been complimented with being warriors yet I understand you very well Irish. Dark corners can be shared here. The forums are a safe and judgement free place for you to post as well!

You are an inspirational person Irish.....I really like when you mentioned " Its never too late"

I really hope you can stick around the forums and help us help others doing it hard....Sounds like you have a stack of wisdom and knowledge that you can spread around here! ....when convenient of course

my best

Paul

Irishman · ‎17-09-2018

Hi Paul. Thanks for the response, and the nice comments. As a granddad and a father this is my third life in 'my life', and it is truly a way to battle the demons. How many times have we heard people say, 'I wish I could go back and start all over again.' Well, why not from today! I remember with clarity the night it was the end-of-the-end for me. But, I pulled back. Following week I sought a distraction, something to swamp my mind with, and that was law school. A Bachelors and a Masters later...I now waddle in & out of court, with very little time to think about or even remember the dark days of my past. Sure, it does come back now & then, but I can manage it. And distraction is the way to go...for me anyway. I accept it when the darkness comes calling, and I let it happen, knowing it will give up and try me another time. Took me quite a few years to come good. I dumped the meds a long time ago. Certainly does not mean that whatever I did would work for others. But, happy to share my experiences and 'tactics' to anyone who needs to know that they CAN take control. Cheers, Rob

baet123 · ‎17-09-2018

Hey Irish,

Welcome to the forums mate. You will find these forums as a great place to learn from other's experiences. I can tell that you have extreme courage, bravery and resilience as you have been through so much and are still kicking on. You should be proud and are an absolute inspiration to us all.

I guess for many who have been through and are coping with mental heal issues it always feels that when we are always there under the surface waiting to come to the forefront and strike. I guess this is when we really focus on managing it and turning to techniques and intervention methods that have worked in the past for you and tried and tested methods of other survivors or as I like to call them "warriors".

Your message of positivity and the notion of change and self-improvement is awesome.

Look forward to seeing you around Irish. Keep fighting the good fight mate.

All the best,

Nick.

blondguy · ‎19-09-2018

Hi Rob!

Thanks for taking the time and reply! It would be great to have some extra 'life experience' on the forums where coping techniques or knowledge is concerned.

You are more than welcome to answer any posts from people that are doing it hard. I agree with you when you mentioned that you use 'acceptance' when any dark phases revisit us. Its still hard being in a dark place yet acceptance is the key to recovery...not fighting

I hope your week is treating you well Rob!

my kind thoughts

Paul

Irishman · ‎19-09-2018

Hey there Nick...great to be here mate. I remember one lady who contacted me via somewhere else, and she was right down there. That was a year ago. She called me the other day in tears, thanking me. BUT, all I did was give my story. I can't tell anyone what to do, only send out some positivity and show that it takes actions by ourselves, that to me anyway DISTRACTION is the key. Easy said though. That lady? She quit her job, went to back to school, now has a new job in a new environment in a new profession with new friends. Start of her new life. As you say mate...fighting is not the answer. Acceptance, distraction, and planning for the new life within a life. Take care mate, and thanks for the reply. I'm in Adelaide. Cheers.

baet123 · ‎19-09-2018

Hey Irish,

I am from Sydney. A lot of Irish people in Sydney (if infact you are Irish :P).

Acceptance, distraction and planning are great words that describe actions that are important to long term mental health well-being and maintenance of existing conditions. I really love the words you have chosen. For many people the condition is always lurking around, underneath the surface if you will so it is about making sure we are on top of things as best we can. Mental health and addiction are very similar in some respects. During my placement I am observing GA, NA and AA sessions and it is so interesting to see the ''old members'' talk about sobriety and the importance of attending as many meetings as they can. Some members have been sober for 40 years and haven't not been to at least a meeting a week. What I am trying to emphasise is basically the importance of maintenance and methods/techniques of staying ontop of conditions in general. Ensure you are receiving the right advice/treatment from health professionals, keep good company around you and have good support structures in place if things to go wrong, stay as positive as you can, exercise and eat well (lifestyle) and also know it is okay to make mistakes and to have bad days and don't be too hard on yourself.

Keep kicking butt man!

Its never to late to travel on a new path and we are our own master of our destiny.

Look forward to hearing from you again Irish.

Nick.

Irishman · ‎19-09-2018

Nick.. I hear ya mate. Born in and grew up in Belfast, then came out here to escape 'The Troubles.' I must admit, having been through all that crap back home, never did I think that mere whistle blowing would take me down a very lonely road to breakdown, but it did. It crept up so slowly I never really noticed me getting worse & worse until I couldn't even get into an elevator with others. Yep, it is for sure, always lurking waiting to pounce. BUT, I don't care anymore. When it strikes, I have a sudden sense of 'oh oh...here we go again, my next week or two or whatever is stuffed.' But, I have learned to recognise, accept, and manage. And my favourite one... DISTRACTION. If I am lucky to be in court the following days, I'm really lucky as the distraction = ignore, and within a few days I've forgotten all about it, or, it just gives up. Funny how we personify that little dipstick! I have followed these Boards for a very long time, but never been involved, until now. I am very happy with how I have transformed and given myself life number 3 in my life. Worked (works) for me. I never preach to others, only share my story. You put it in a great way mate...maintenance; that's me for life, well, life # 3 anyway. Ha!!!

blondguy · ‎20-09-2018

Hi Rob

I understand you about the power of distraction (and acceptance) as it can work wonders by not 'fighting' these awful dark times we go through

You have a ton of life experience that you are more than welcome to share on the forums. Like yourself there is no preaching and especially judgement on the forums!

I hope you can stick around the forums when its convenient for you 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul

Katiek92 · ‎28-07-2020

Hi. I've popped in the forums in my search for whistleblowing support. It's coming up to 2 years since I walked out after disclosing concerns in the workplace and getting verbally attacked for it by my employer.

I have always known 100% i did the right thing but my employers reaction in an hour long attack against me (im negative, I have a vendetta against the company , I have vendetta against the financial advisor and the list goes on) has made me a different person who feels at times they are not good enough, that second guesses everything and for last couple.of weeks it has come creeping.up on me. I can't concentrate and I'm searching for information on whistleblowing, searching for facts, figures and anything that supports what I did was not unusual and that others have had the same treatment by their employer. To.be honest I'm not sure what I'm.trying to achieve with my research? I researched when it first happened but everything seemed to cost money and I had just walked out of a job! And I couldn't really find the answers I wanted.

I saw the Dr and psychologist when it first happened, we collectively agreed the employer was in the wrong, therefore my emotional reaction (at the time wanting a fight them and severe stress) wasn't going to change so I handed in my notice.

I'd worked hard for this employer, my disclosure was in their clients best interests, and in one hour one persons actions which were preplanned had a lasting effect on my mental health.

Initially I couldn't sleep, I'd wake up in the night with panic attacks, as I learned to talk my thoughts down I've learned to tell myself I did the right thing. I can now drive past the building without feeling sick but Even though I have trained in a different profession I think my search for a new employer is bringing up feelings of self worth, doubt, not feeling good enough and I'm struggling with my emotions.

Usually I'm.fine but the last few weeks I've been struggling the most as to why they acted the way they did. Concentration and emotions. I guess the missing part for me, do they think about what they did? Do they wish they could Change their Reaction.

Itsreasurring that the resurgence of whatever it is I am feeling is not unusual for a whistleblower.

I guess I just need to keep telling myself I did the right thing, be kind to myself, focus on what is right here today and stop my obsession with researching as I'm sending my Thoughts in circles.