Introduction

[Darby88]

Hi all,

I am reaching out because I am hoping I will feel less alone.
I take care of my mental health in terms of regularly seeing psychiatrist and therapy. But this last stint of depression and mild psychosis is wearing me out.
I have had hallucinations, treatment resistant depression, hypomania and delusions, and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I am turning 50 years old in June and my first hallucinations started before 10 years old.

I have learned to live with hallucinations and they no longer frighten me as they did as a child. These last years they have been pretty innocuous. I self medicated with drugs and alcohol through my late teens and twenties but have been clean and sober for nearly 20 years.
I have had periods where the depression has been fairly tame. I have a teenage son, who has multiple disabilities but is well adjusted, happy and doing well in all areas of his life. I coparent with his dad and step mother and it is a friendly and drama free arrangement.
I will never seek out suicide because of my son. It is off the table completely and I am medicated enough that I am rational and do not have to be concerned that I will impulsively act out on my suicidal thoughts.

but I wish I didn’t want to be dead.

living like this is so difficult.

I have a meaningful and satisfying job in the field in which I just completed my masters degree.

I adore my animals.

but I am losing friendships; of which there weren’t many to start with, as it is too exhausting being around people when I have spent my whole day working or parenting with a front on that all is okay.

I have written this out before I head off to work.

thanks. I feel a little okay that I have put some action in.

Go well people 🙂

[Sophie_M]

Dear Darby88,
 
Firstly, welcome to the forums we are so glad that you found your way to this supportive and welcoming community. We hope that you find ideas, options and support from the shared experiences and knowledge of all our members.
 
We are sorry to hear that you feel you ‘want to be dead’, we hope you acknowledge the strength and resilience you have expressed through your post. Fluctuations in your mental state are a normal part of the ongoing journey of recovery, but we encourage you to discuss the persistent thoughts of suicide with you treating psychiatrist.
 
As stated, we hope you can recognize that resisting these thoughts and seeking advice and assistance are positive steps and that as a community we can help you on this journey. It sounds like you have a close and loving family, adored animals, and excellent commitment and will power after 20 years sober, congratulations. We hope that you can continue to draw from these strengths and not focus on the negative such as loosing friends at this point.
 
We have a few numbers and links that we have provided for you, we encourage you to contact and engage with any of these services that you may feel comfortable with.
 
If you need more immediate contact, please use our Beyond Blue support service 24/7, either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
 
We would also recommend checking out MensLine Australia at https://mensline.org.au/ or via phone
on 1300 789 978.
 
Also, if you have not engaged with them before, we would recommend Lifeline on 13 11 14 or at https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/
 
Alternatively, as you have discussed feeling alone and isolated from friends, we would love for you to look into https://mensshed.org/ this is an organization designed to provide a safe and engaging environment for otherwise isolated men across Australia, in which they can socialize and complete DIY projects. It is a service that allows you to engage when you feel comfortable without pressure or judgement.
 
If at any point those thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, or you no longer feel say we urge you to contact emergency services on 000.
 
We hope that you find the support and direction that you are seeking on the forums. Once again, we are so glad you have joined the forums and we hope that you feel welcomed into the community.  
 
Warm regards
Sophie M

[That Other Guy]

Hi Darby. I am 53/M. You have different challenges but I can identify with parts of this. Successful career, great kids, history of drinking (mine more recent I confess) but real struggles maintaining friendships. How old is your son? Might it be easier to be more honest with him and not exhaust yourself putting on a front? My kids are 21 and 25 and they know all my struggles, I always parented on the basis that I'm not perfect and we're in it together.

I am sorry you're separated but it's great you have a good relationship with your ex that makes being part of your kids lives easier. Do you want to be in another relationship? My marriage is pretty messy but I've held it together and it's honestly close to the only friendship I have. Maintaining friendships can be hard, when you have these internal struggles as well that people might not see or 'get'.

If you're exhausted around people anyhow, perhaps focus on enjoying time relaxing alone? Remember the positive things in your life. You have a MASTERS!! The only way through this life I think is to focus on the things that make you happy, and just try to live with the rest. Maybe focus on connecting with people online, where you can switch it off when you need to, while you recharge a bit before getting out there again? You're not obliged to be sociable if it exhausts you.