Introduction Andy99

[Andy99]

So I am the dad of 2 young adult sons 18 and 20 and things were going ok until the last few months and particularly the last few days. In June at 7am I had a paramedic knock on my door with my dishevelled 18 year old telling me he had been in a serious car accident - 16 year old girlfriend of one week had to be cut out of the car with serious injuries. No drugs or alcohol involved but reckless driving. This shook up my son and his mother badly with both losing sleep, my son waking up with nightmares every day at the time of the accident and police charges pending. Things had normalised a bit since after he saw a psychologist and taking some prescriptions antidepressants, but my son had become in his words ‘not happy being at home’ - he was staying over with friends, etc pretty regularly. Then last weekend my nearby neighbour shows up with his 17 year old son saying my son has been selling non-nicotine vapes in bulk to his son who has then been on selling to his schoolmates. Said he wanted it to stop and wouldn’t take it to the police. I found about 100 vapes in my sons car and took them, he wasn’t happy and left home and hasn’t returned since Saturday. He is now at an Airbnb with a friend and we are talking by phone but he is unsure what he will do next and talking about moving out to rent a place with his friend. My wife is very stressed about the whole situation. Today the police knock on the door axing for my other 20 yo son, he has always been very responsible and practical and has always been motivated to work and save. Anyway the police have traced a fraudulent iPhone sale on Facebook marketplace back to him and he may be charged. I am a bit staggered at this point, my wife has gotten even more stressed about things, understandably, and is returning to the psychologist this week. She is wondering what we did wrong as parents for this to happen and self-blaming. The boys are both ‘adults’ now and aware of what they were doing but this behaviour is so far out of normal for them I don’t know how we will recover as a family.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Andy99,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here.

We are sorry to hear that things have been so difficult these past few months, from serious car accidents to the selling of various items, it sounds like a lot has been happening. We understand this must be such a stressful time for both yourself and your wife, so please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Andy99

Welcome to the bb forum and thank you for sharing your story.

I’m really sorry that your boys have disappointed you and your wife. I understand why you’re so upset, as I am a parent myself and I would be too.

In fact, I have walked in your shoes. I think all parents, if they’re honest, would say the same.

Sometimes, despite our best efforts and all the love and support we provide, during that transition to adulthood, our kids make mistakes. They’re still don’t appreciate consequences like an adult or possess the same decision making ability.

It’s a vulnerable time in their lives until the brain fully develops at about 25 years of age. Please, don’t blame yourself.

Your boys now have a valuable opportunity to learn about real adult responsibility and consequences. Thankfully the situations they are in—while not ideal—are not likely serious enough to derail their lives. (Just imagine if your son’s girlfriend had been killed or instead of vapes he was selling narcotics.)

From the sounds of your post, both you and your wife love them and are prepared to help guide them through it. And right now they need you to show them the way.

At about 18 my boy got in trouble with his mates, drunk, drinking alcohol on public transport with feet on seats. The fines were enormous. My son had never had a fine before and was silly enough to think he could ignore them. He only told us about it when he owed about $1k.

I was mortified; my husband was furious. We didn’t bail him out. But my husband did offer him more hours at work in our family business. He eventually earned enough to pay his fines. We both found opportunities to talk and listen to him—without yelling or judging which to be honest was hard—about responsible drinking. We learned about some issues in his life that were affecting his alcohol intake and supported him to make changes. Thankfully there has been no repeat performance.

I guess what I’m saying is I’d like to encourage you to keep things in perspective. Use open ended questions and listen. I’d like to also suggest working hard to get the 18 year old back home. Then help them to deal with the issues one step at a time.

Love them. Forgive them. Teach them.

Kind thoughts to you

[missep123]

Hi Andy99,

When I read your post my heart really went out to you. That is an incredibly difficult position to be in as parents. I really wanted to tell you that it doesn't reflect on your parenting at all! I have known many people to go through a variety of different situations despite having very supportive parents. In saying that I wish I knew exactly what to say but I wanted to reply to your thread to show support.

We are definitely here for you!