I sometimes go to an inner dark place

[Itisso]

Hello,

I have always had an inner dark place which I try to avoid
but can’t always manage to stay away from. Posting here is a huge step for me, as it is
for most of you.

I have a family history of mental health issues and deep
depression and saw, heard and experienced things during childhood which I then
seemed to carry some of onto adulthood. There is no blame here, It is what it
is.

Past years have bought highs and lows (as they do to everyone)
and visiting the dark inner place seemed to serve a purpose from which I always
managed to emerge from. This year some extreme lows, have left me feeling totally
isolated and bereft. I have at times feared that I would totally unravel and
not be able to find my way back.

Darker thoughts, personal issues and an awful tragedy have
been eating away and recent feelings of absolute un bearable sadness, low self
worth, self depreciation and regret for some past major decisions was leading
me to much darker areas.

Somehow I seem to manage to escape from this terrible place.
I constantly tell myself I will be OK and that I must change. My dilemma is how
can I change who and what I am. On a good day I actually quite like who I am,
even with my short-comings. On a bad day I wonder who the hell I am.

Today is a better day, but yesterday I was in the abyss after
a couple of really bad weeks leading to a dire week-end. How can these feelings
sometimes change so fast?

I really appreciate days like today. I feel nearly normal
(whatever that is) and I hope that every day I will feel like this. There is so
much I have to be thankful for, I cannot comprehend why I feel so hopeless
sometimes.

[Starwolf]

Hi Itisso, a warm welcome to you.

Well done for mustering the courage to reach out and share your thoughts. These forums are a safe place to give voice to silent suffering. Rest assured you will be heard.

I too have had a traumatic past. You are right, it leaves deep emotional scars. And yes, darkness can infiltrate every area of life, creating havoc with peace of mind. Have you been struggling alone ? Do you have medical/counseling assistance ? Sorry about the questions, the more we know about you, the better we can help, which is what we'd like to do. We can point you in the right direction but it is also OK if you only need to vent your feelings. Many of us will know what you are talking about.

The past cannot be changed but it needs to be processed. The mind is a complicated maze at the best of times, even more so the wounded one. Having a guide often helps understand what it is we are up against and how to best manage it.

It is good to know you have emerged again from the abyss. I can feel joy and relief between the lines of your post. It is true we wouldn't appreciate the better days without having bad ones to compare them with. But surely, do the dark ones have to be this awful ? I'm here to let you know some balance can be eventually be reached. It CAN get better.

I hope you will choose to continue to post. Unloading our darkest feelings and thoughts is therapeutic in itself.

It is good to have you on board.

[solabear]

Welcome on board Itisso, and thank you for sharing. It takes courage indeed.

I suffer from bipolar and you just described how I feel. When I'm at the dark place I have know self esteem, can't cope with anything. And when I feel normal I love myself, very capable, motivated and happy. and sometimes I feel too high which is not good because I get in to things which I can't deal with later.

I'm on meds, but I still fluctuate a bit. I wouldn't know how to survive without the meds, but this is just me.

I know how you feel and love to hear from you again. I'm here to listen and you can ask any question.

Take care

Sola

[Itisso]

Hi Starwolf,

Thank you for your reply and reassuring words.

I have had counselling for recent items but they did not
address the overall emotions (High’s and deep lows) which seems odd now I think
about it. But then again these sessions were aimed at specific events.

I have been struggling alone in that I have not revealed the
inner darkness of these awful lows to anyone when they occur and they can
easily be hidden or explained by others as being caused by certain recent events
that have taken place. I agree to some extent that this could be the case. But
I cannot understand the utter self hate that washes over me during these times
and the flash backs to past decisions that had to be made on my part that did
impact on other people.

I totally agree about your comment relating to the past
cannot be changed and needing to be processed. A couple of very major decisions
of mine I am having trouble doing this with, simply because they were so
altering for myself and others. One event was years ago and one more recent.

Some people seem to make these types of decisions and not look
back. I am not one of those people.

Sometimes I have balance and others I don’t. Some recent
changes just seem to have added to the already shaky situation and so the inner
dark place rears its ugly head.

I did actually feel better for writing the post and I was
also on the up at the time (which you rightly pointed out regarding relief)

Today is also a good day. I just take each day as it comes and
try to maintain some positive thought.

I know it can get better, because it has in the past, but
this abyss was darker and somewhat scary in its intensity. It was more of a
fight to get onto the right side of it.

Again, thank you.

[Itisso]

Hi Sola,

Thank you for your reply.

Your second paragraph just about sums me up nicely too. My
goodness, I can really relate to your comment about feeling too high and
getting into things which you can’t deal with later.

I have wondered if bipolar is a possible reason for my
issues. I have seen the good and the bad for meds. I guess it is an individual
choice to be made.

I actually seem to self hate because of past hurt I have
caused to others. It causes me great pain to think about it, even though the
decisions had to be made. Just writing this down has been a realisation.

May I ask how long you have been taking the meds and in what
way to they affect you?

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

[Guest_128]

Hey Itisso,

I just want to say hello, I understand you.

Later

[Itisso]

Hi 9 names later,

Thank you for your reply and understanding. It means a lot.

[Guest_128]

Don't know if anyone has said,go checkout the social threads.😀

Later

[solabear]

Hi Itisso, I'm so glad that I was a bit helpful to you.

I've been on my meds for about 10 years on and off. I take a combination of antidepressant and antipsychotic (not for psychosis, but mood stabilising ) they work very well together but it took a while for the doctors to find the right ones for me because there are so many on the market and everybody reacts to it differently. I personally can not tolerate most of them, so it took ages to find the this combination which works for me.

It's up to you what you decide to do, but if you decide to try meds, you have to be patient until you find the right one.

I hope this helped

Sola xx

[Itisso]

Thanks, I will do that.