I need to vent

[cyanideapple]

hello all, this is my first time posting here. I'll try to keep this short and to the point, although I don't really know where to begin.

I've been going through a really difficult time lately and it's becoming really overwhelming for me. My relationship with my family is really bad, particularly with my mother. She is always looking for a reason to argue with me and demands so much of me. For as long as I can remember she's always been a terrible parent.

As of lately my relationship with her has become much worse. She constantly belittles me, and compares me to my sisters in law. She makes me feel absolutely worthless, to the point that I feel guilty for even existing.

I'm starting to find it very difficult to get out of bed in the mornings, and I no longer find pleasure in activities that I normally enjoy. I'm beginning to spend much of my time between work hours playing video games and avoiding having any sort of social life. I feel like I cant talk to my friends about it because they either won't understand me, or I'm worried that they'll begin to think differently about me.

Unfortunately I'm stuck living with her and my eldest brother for the time being, so I feel like I have no escape from this madness. I'm able to hide my emotions quite well, so none of my friends or colleagues suspect anything is wrong with me. I just don't know what to do, and I don't know how much longer I can continue like this before I reach my breaking point.

I'm sorry if this all sounds like rambling, but I just need to vent somehow!

[PamelaR]

You're not rambling at all Cyanideapple.

You know venting is good sometimes. It helps to get out those pent up emotions and feelings that make us feel awful.

Beyond Blue is a good place to be. And it's great you found your way here to listen to very supportive and caring people.

I know what you mean about hiding emotions from friends and colleagues. It's an art hey. I did it for years - masking my real emotions and feelings. However, it came a time that no longer worked and I had to face what caused my dark and anxious moments. Actually I had no control it came back in flashbacks. It hurt so much.

Anyway, you're here for help. How would you like me to help? I'm thinking you already know about visiting your doctor and a psychologist/therapist. So how about we look at your current living situation:

Why are you stuck living with your eldest brother and mother? I'm thinking maybe you aren't working - is that right? So what you are trying to resolve for yourself is quite complex - no simple answer. Let me know why you're there and I can maybe help more.

Also, you say your mother compares you to your SIL. Wow, that seens unreasonable. Can you say why you and your mother have such conflict?

It's okay to vent - come back to do some more!! Maybe help us to help you by giving more info as per some of the questions above.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[blondguy]

Hi cyanideapple

Thankyou heaps for being a part of the Beyond Blue forums

PamelaR has provided great support above for you.

Im sorry that you are going through such a bad time at the moment

You havent rambled at all. Your post is as important as anyone elses

The forums are a safe and judgement free place for you to post. It would be great if you could stick around 🙂

My kind thoughts

Paul

[cyanideapple]

Hi PamelaR, thank you for your reply.

I would really like to see a therapist, but for some reason I feel embarrassed/ashamed to do so. For this reason I find it very difficult to reach out for help!

I'm stuck in this living situation for the time being because I am not working full time at the moment. This is because I am having trouble dealing with the stress and feelings of anxiety due to my bad relationship with my mother. In the back of my mind I'm always thinking about it, and about how she will start an argument with me the minute I walk through the door and it's starting to affect me at work. My boss and manager don't know about any of this. Sometimes my best friend will even offer to make a fake emergency call to my workplace just to rescue me for the day when she knows something is stressing me out.

She is constantly comparing me to one of my sisters in law and its driving me crazy! My mum doesn't drive, so she is always relying on someone else to take her to places. Most of the time I will refuse to do so because I just can't handle being stuck with her in a car for any amount of time. So sometimes my sister in law will give her rides, then afterwards I'll get an earful about how useless I am, and how she can't even rely on her own daughter for anything. But this is just scratching the surface. I have very few happy memories with her.

Thank you for reading all of this and replying! This is the very first time I have tried reaching out to anyone for help, so it can be quite difficult for me to share all of this.

[cyanideapple]

Hi Paul,

Thank you for your kind words! I absolutely appreciate any and all support I receive 🙂

[PamelaR]

It's so good you've been able to reach out to talk with some one cyanideapple.

I know how hard it is. Our embarrassment, shame and guilt stop us from doing things to help ourselves. The reality however, as I've learnt over the years is - there is no need for embarrassment, shame and guilt. These have been programmed into our brains by our parent, freezing us from moving on. So how does this help you?

Maybe understanding you are not alone in how you feel. There are many of us who do not have good relationships with their mother. Me for one. I know what you mean about always finding fault, always being told how useless and good for nothing I was. I'm currently working with my psychologist to help me change those stories. It's not easy they are so in ground in myself. But I'm slowly getting there. One thing my psych did suggest was -

• think about some good things about my mother to help balance all the negatives. So the list I've come up with - she used to cook really good food, always nutritional that helped my growth, always had shoes on my feet, clothes on my back and food on the table, taught me how to compost food scraps, made sure I went to school and received an education. I turned out a reasonable person. So there must have been something good in my life.

Since you have made the decision to live there because of your employment situation, then maybe think of ways to reduce the conflict.

Is there anything that your mother likes that you could do for her - something to surprise her? I know it will be difficult for you, however, you are living there and if it were me I'd be trying to make the situation more bearable for myself.

Do you have anything in common? TV shows or movies, sports, hobbies? Something to do together. Something to get your mother to be more positive and less negative? I know how hard it is. I left home, never to return. That doesn't sound an option for you.

Others on the forum may have some alternatives that suit you better. Hopefully they'll put some forward for you.

Kind regards

PamelaR.

[geoff]

Hi Apple, I'm sorry to see you in a situation like this because it does make your life much harder.

As you aren't working full time you maybe getting a payment from Centrelink and if so then you will be able to rent a flat because Centrelink can pay for your bond money and pay rent assistance.

If this can happen then maybe your best friend could live with you and share the costs, because the first step for you to feel at ease is to be away from your mother.

It's a big decision for you, I know this, and it may seem to be impossible, but there's always a way to achieve what we think we can't get.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Birdy77]

Hey cyanideapple,

There is absolutely nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about, and if the issues with your mother are so bad that they are impacting on your ability to attend work, it's probably really helpful for you to talk things through with a therapist. If you see a GP and tell them about your anxiety they will be able to arrange for you to see a psychologist through medicare.

Pamela has given you some good ideas to try and make homelife a bit more bearable.

I understand what it's like to have constant criticism and comparing me to others, i copped that from my father. It's awful being told negative stuff constantly, it chips away at your self esteem and eventually gets into your head so you hear it even when they're not saying it.

Ideally it would be great to be able to do as Geoff suggested and move out, but in the meantime, Pamela's good ideas might help, and maybe start to try to develop some ways to block the negativity you feel coming your way from your mother. Like building psychological boundaries and barriers to stop that negativity in it tracks.

When I've needed to protect myself i found a few ideas really helpful, maybe you could try one of them:

I used to find it helpful visualising a reflective barrier, like a mirror to shield me from the poisonous vibes i felt coming my way. I would imagine the thoughts/comments/vibes hitting that shield and breaking into a million pieces and dissipating into nothingness.

Another visualisation i liked to use was putting myself in a bubble, and any negative vibes would bounce -boing!- right off the surface and never reach me.

Sometimes i would imagine the hurtful words or thoughts coming from the person attached to cord that were being thrown at me and trying to attach to me, and i would use a big golden sword to cut all those noxious ties, slice right through them so i was free and not connected or tied to the source of the toxicity.

One last one, when those nasty, negative comments come thrown your way, catch them, put them in a box where they belong, and put the lid on. Burn it later.

Your mother's opinion of you does not equal truth. You are your own person and her negative stuff does not pay rent in your heart and mind, so it needs to be kicked out.

🌻birdy

[Vix]

Hi Cyanideapple, I am in a similar situation as you. I live with my 87 yo mother. I am 65, (think I am probably younger than you but am young in looks and outlook, and enjoy computer, music etc). I don't feel old. I have a daughter who lives in her own house, and I'm divorced. My mother has put me down all my life and now due to health issues last year (me, in and out of hospital) and her ageing I moved in with her, after most of my life living alone. I feel trapped, she has tv on full as deaf as (so I spend all my time in my small room with my cat). She still treats me as if I am 6. She is declining but refuses to admit it, and thinks she is on top of everything, even though she shrugs at me if she can't make out what I'm saying, and still drives, and complains constantly. She is losing her skills in keeping clean, leaves dishes and dirty pans, for me to wash. She is quite untidy now, leaved opened food in the fridge until it goes off etc etc. Anyway, bottom line is, I do understand how it feels to be living with a parent who isn't that supportive. I find it demoralising, and get so depressed I also don't want to get out of bed. Today I joined a gym so hopefully I will have something to go to most days. I do a bit of housesititng which is a great escape, (only thing is sometimes she chooses that time to visit her sister in law who lives 6 hours away). So I realise she actually doesn't like being alone now, but won't admit it. I want to find somewhere cheap to live again, but it is hard now. I have to admit I find myself wishing she would die. Sounds terrible I know. But my dear dad died of cancer at 57. Mum has been a hypochondriac all her life had heart bypass etc and yet still going strong. She is very narcissistic and controlling. I find I get very angry at things..which isn't my nature. Do you find you get angry? I have always tried to "please" people, not I am stronger but seems no one wants to talk. And seems I annoy everyone, even my daughter. We have always been so close, but things are just going downhill. People have always taken things out on me. Firstly I was told I was too much of a doormat, now it seems I stand up for myself they don't like it. Not sure what to say to you. I want to go and live in the country with just animals, as people seem so hard to please. I really do get how hard it is to live with a parent when you are an adult. I hope you will be o.k. and things will eventually work out for you. Cheers Vicki

[EmeraldStar83]

Hey girl,

Never feel bad for venting and expressing urself to ease the load we all do it and it's 💯 needed to cope at times. Well done for reaching out on here it's a start to get the ball rolling to show urself it's okay to vent. I'm not sure where u are located but here where I am u can find lots of people on the internet advertising looking for house mates just an idea for u to think about with ur living situation. I do feel the most important thing is for u to get into a doctor and ask for a mental health plan while living at home. If ur not on much money u can get so many  sessions free with a counselor/phycologist on a mental health plan they will give u support and show u how to deal with the situation your in and help make a plan to help u out of the situation ur in. If u don't have a doctor just go into any clinic near by and ask what doctor specializes in mental health. It's scary at first but it's well worth it. I also had a mother who put me down a lot what happens is when your told something enough times especially from someone we are meant look at as our role model it gets in bedded in our brain till we believe this is what true about us  but the truth is it's not true and we gotta remind ourselves thats there negativity and words they are putting on us because they don't feel good about themselves it took me a long time to realize this but it's true. So it's no reflection on u it's all on ur mum. U just do need to get out of that environment as soon as u can u don't deserve it. When ur mum says things to u say to urself in ur head I reject what words my mother just spoke of me it's not true I deserve better. In power urself with ur own thoughts overide her words as best u can in your own head. Hope this helps much love to u 😘