I'm struggling to help my daughter

[TB1961]

Hi there. I'm struggling with how to help my 28 y.o. daughter. We have always been so very close. She spent February in a Mental Health Clinic, voluntarily. Her husband & I visited every 2-3 days. She has been out for nearly 2 months now. She is currently doing weekly sessions of CBT. When she came out she left her husband who really has done nothing wrong. Her anxiety has masked any feelings she has for him, I think, and the memory of her time with him appears skewed. My struggle is that I don't know how to support her when she says she is still anxious & stressed around me. She says she feels a lot of guilt because she can't explain to me why she feels this way so still has to cause me pain by not being ok around me. I think she may feel she's let me down or something & I have told her that's not the case. Her memory of discussions before the MHC are so off-base & she seems to be angry with me over them. We are talking, lightly, but a lot of times it ends up with her verbally having a go at me, pulling only what she wants or believes from previous conversations and is determined she is right but isn't. I don't stand up for myself because I don't want to cause an issue when she's trying to heal. I want to clear the air with her but she keeps me at a distance. I feel so helpless and pushed away & I can feel myself being dragged down, depressed. Is there any advice on how I can handle this?

[smallwolf]

Hi TB1961,

welcome to beyond blue.

It can be frustrating when you want to help someone and they are unable tell you how they feel. But it is also hard for that person who feels that are the unable to communicate how they feel to the other person.Another possibility is that person might not feel comfortable telling their parents their inner-most thoughts, and there are a variety of reasons why this might be the case. (For myself, sometimes I will only remember the negative parts of conversations.)

My dad (late 70s) has some mental health issues etc. If I asked him what how he was, it might reply "Not good". If I followed up with "How come?", he would reply with one of a couple of answers, none of which really indicated how he was feeling. All I would know is that he was anxious.

There were two approaches I took with my dad...

the first was to show (mum and) dad a feeling wheel. You can find these quite easily on Google but can be helpful if a person feels unable to tell you what they are feeling.

the second things was to ask them what they are thinking at the moment, which allows you to get some sort of the understanding of what is going on in their mind.

There are pdf documents on the beyond blue web site also. A good starting point would be

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone

https://das.bluestaronline.com.au/api/prism/document?token=BL/0124

One of the most important things I think is to look after yourself and "look for symptoms of anxiety and depression in yourself and seek support at the earliest sign. Seek support from professionals. This may involve having counselling or attending a carer support group". (copied from the 2nd link). I hope you find the information in links useful.

Peace,

Tim

[TB1961]

Hi & thanks Tim. I’ll have a look at the links. I’ve had the feeling, lately, that she can’t talk coz she feels she’s let me down. She could never do that. I’m worried she’s letting herself down or the anxiety is. I’ve lived with anxiety & depression for the last 25 odd years but I’ve been lucky to be able to work through it & recognize the signs. Thankfully, she’s getting help and & things will improve. Thanks again for your feedback