I’m not ok

[spotted]

I have always been a shirker of happiness, always been somewhat melancholy. However, over the past few years, I’ve seemingly become averse to happiness, always emotionally hurting myself and day dreaming of scenarios where I am emotionally hurt. I’m also low on confidence and therefore never sure of where I stand with others, including family, to the extent that I have started questioning whether anybody really loves me for who I am (and not out of duty). 
I was pretty badly emotionally abused as a teen/young adult by my peers and I’m not sure if that has caused these issues, although that was nearly 20 years ago. 
I don’t think this is usual, and I also think that I’m not okay. 

[mmMekitty]

Hello Spotted & welcome to the forums.

Being emotionally abused as a child & into your young adulthood can certainly have long-term effects, which we may not easily recognise. I've had my own history & many more than 20 years later I'm still dealing with the effects.

One effect if about trust, even trusting myself to make sensible decision, especially about people & relationships.

My own self-esteem dropped to the floor, & under, (I imagined, it was in the dirt).

It's taken a long time to rebuild myself, as if from the foundations.

I'm saddened to read what you say about happiness. I'm not sure if I understand what you mean by "I've always been a shirker of happiness". Do you mean you avoid any possible thing or event which might bring you happiness? Is this about your low level of confidence in yourself & maybe feeling you don't deserve to be happy, or to enjoy any part of your life? Is it maybe you are so used to being emotionally abused you are not comfortable with anything else? What do you think your emotional abuse towards yourself is about?

If it was your family members who were emotionally abusive, it would be no wonder you aren't sure if they love you. I question that an abusive person can love at all. It really puzzles.me. 

But apparently many people are capable of contradictory thoughts, feelings, ideas & behaviours. So maybe thay can.

Do you think there is a chance you want to feel some happiness in your life?

I could be wrong, but I think you do.

mmMekitty

[sbella02]

Spotted,

Thank you for opening up to us here, we warmly welcome you to the forums. I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles with low confidence and experience of emotional abuse. What a horrible thing to go through. As mmMekitty has said, emotional abuse can have lasting effects, and we may not even realise the full extent of these until we begin to explore our own identity later in life.

I can recommend to you the Calm Harm app (available here: https://au.reachout.com/tools-and-apps/calm-harm) if you're struggling with thoughts of self-harm. It's quite an incredible little app, I use it myself. It really gets you out of that mindset and into a better headspace with many different activities to choose from, and it's really quick and easy to use. The app also allows you to document when you feel like this, which can be useful for discovering why these thoughts may occur and recognising patterns in your thoughts. Journalling can also be good for this, too.

Another useful technique I have for mitigating thoughts of self-harm is the use of stress balls. I keep one in my bag, and it can be great to squish it if I'm feeling stressed, anxious, or upset. You could also carry around a pen and paper and draw something each time you think about self-harm, or perhaps draw on yourself if you feel comfortable. That can be very therapeutic.

Have you ever been to see your GP, therapist, or psychologist about your feelings and your experiences with emotional abuse? Talking to somebody who can offer professional advice is also a great way of consolidating and expressing your emotions, and finding reliable coping mechanisms and techniques that work for you.

I wish you all the best, and encourage you to continue chatting with us if you feel like it. We're here for you.

Take care, SB

[spotted]

My family members were not emotionally abusive towards me; it was more a case of hazing/ragging/bullying from peers in college. 
Even as a child, I did not particularly seek happiness. The usual things that people enjoy, have never quite appealed to me. I think it stems from a fear of losing happiness plus just not being too much into seeking it. 

[spotted]

Thank you, I’ll try atleast some of your tips 

[geoff]

Hello Spotted, it's awful to be abused as a young child because it leaves awful memories that can be sparked by an incident that brings back memories and really sorry you had to endue any of this.

This goes along with you won't believe anyone will love you if you don't love and appreciate yourself, and with what has happened it can leave that terrible stain on your thoughts.

It doesn't matter whether it was 20 years ago, any similar incidence can certainly bring back those thoughts which can alter how you are feeling.

Please don't keep all of this to yourself, talk it over with someone, express your feelings, even if it means you cry and please look after yourself and get back to us.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Spotted

I'm sorry I jumped to the wrong conclusion about who emotionally abused you.

I'm releived it was not from your family.

Ragging, hazing &bullying anywhere from anyone is not okay. Usually, if you can't stand up to it, or if you feel dimminished by it, your understandable reaction will cause you to feel less confident around people. In any area of life where we have to interact with people, we need to be able to assume some level of trust. But, when that trustworthiness is not evident, not demonstrated by those people around us, how do you suppose you will react?

Will it be anger, fear, frustration, hurt feelings, sadness, with a sense of betrayal? These seem like the most likely to me, but I'm sure there are more ways someone might naturally react or conscientiously respond.

That thoughtful response takes quite an effort, to take a step back, to think through what happened & to understand, firstly, it's really not about you, so taking it personally will do nothing but harm you.

I'd like you to also try to give yourself a break. What happened wasn't your fault. There was nothing wrong with you, Nothing you did deserves that sort of bullying.

About hazing, I don't think any group is worth joining if you have to endure the hazing. Personally, I think hazing is bullying, which is abuse by another term, & nothing more.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[spotted]

Thank you for your kind words! 

[spotted]

Thanks for your support, yes, I do plan to get some help. 

[HamSolo01]

hi spotted

I'm curious on what you think the differences between happiness and/or contentment might be?
food for thought and you are in my thoughts 

H