I'm new here.

[Antigone]

My chosen name, Antigone, means 'strength' in Greek. I'm new to the forum, but not new to the 'feelings' you all project. I couldn't find a support group in Australia until I stumbled on this today. I joined an American forum once but was overwhelmed and my computer could not take the amount of responses! There are too many of us! Sad but comforting. I am estranged from the family I grew up in. I was the scapegoat for all of my mother's problems. I was a child. I didn't understand and suffered OCD from the stress. Later that manifested in Anxiety disorder and compounded in depression. An internal optimism and the support of my own family (husband and children) who know I'm not the person my mother 'created' to serve her needs, has saved me. But my lack of confidence, although 'repairing', sometimes needs validation. When you lose a whole family and extended relatives due to the tentacles of a clever narcissist, it is not easy to cope. It's good to have a forum to turn to despite the fact that the answer will never come.

[White_Rose]

Dear Antigone

Hello and welcome to BB. I am so pleased you found BB. It's good you have the support of your immediate family and I am sorry your birth family is estranged from you. That is difficult to live with. It must be very hard. How lovely to have that internal optimism. I'm certain this will help you in your recovery.

You say "the answer will never come." What is the answer you are looking for? Why your mother was the way she is? It's true you are unlikely to know that. I'm not sure there is an answer to that. If you are looking for an answer to how to heal from all the hurts and pain you have experienced in your life, I believe you can do this.

Have you talked with your GP about this or a psychologist? These are good people to have with you while you journey towards healing and health. Also your family, who love and care for you. That is a tremendous group to have on your side. It's also good to have some knowledge about depression etc. If you explore the BB site you will find a huge amount of information ready to download or send for.

Many other people who post here have similar stories to tell. I expect some of them will respond to you. You can also join in other threads that are about experiences you relate to. In the Welcome and Orientation there is a thread called Newbie to BB but longtime rider of the roller coaster, which may interest you.

One thing I often suggest to people is to keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings. It helps to write these things down because you then look at them differently. It's also a record of your journey so you can see how far you are traveling to health. And if you go and see your GP you can take the journal and read bits you choose to the GP.

Please continue to write in here. BB is a safe place to share your thoughts and experiences because you are anonymous and no one judges anyone here.

Mary

[white knight]

Hi Antigone, welcome also

Yes, Mary has recommended a current thread I just replied to. So look for that one and have a read then if you like return to this thread and expand your thoughts.

Regards Tony WK

[Antigone]

Hi Mary

I have the support of my own family because they know me far better than my birth family. My husband has watched from the perimeter and expresses incredulity at ‘their’ stance. My grown up children are confused
about my birth family as they don’t understand what is supposed to be ‘wrong’ with me (my eldest is 34 years of age). They have never experienced from me anything to qualify the abuses of the family I grew up in. A psychiatrist once said to me that had you been this ‘disruptive’ person that my mother 'created', someone would have noticed this during the time after you left home! I tried to discuss this with the antagonists (my sister’s) but they declined to listen. They love their view of my life and intend to stick with it. They were never with me behind closed doors when the derisive comments were made. They never saw what my mother did to me (clever narcissist). One of my sisters was a bully and my mother would not interfere. I could rely on no-one from an early age. I did not confide in that family because they took their cue from my mother. In their minds, they believe that my recollections of my life didn’t happen! Just because it was me and not them doesn’t mean it didn’t happen!

The fact is that not only did it happen, but to this day it still is happening! The strange thing is that my mother will ‘not’ tell one sister to stop abusing me in her stead ‘as requested’, but none have worked out
that there is something wrong with that scenario!!

I’ve read some of the stories from others on this forum. I cried really hard. I get it! I just wish that people who are not victims can get it too!

The answer I am looking for? I’ve lost my dad because of this. He will stick with my mother, despite the fact that he has shown some doubt. I never asked him to chose, but ‘she’ has.

It has become clear to me: I would never, under any circumstances do what 'she' has done to me, to any of my children. I think that says it all.

Thanks for being there for me.

[White_Rose]

Hello Antigone

Sorry for not replying earlier, it's been a hectic week.

It is very sad that your birth family have chosen to believe your mother. The psych is quite right in his comment. For whatever reason your sisters want the fairy story fed to them by your mother, probably because it is easier to than challenging mom. I feel sad for you about your dad. It is always hard to choose one person over another and your dad has made his choice. There is nothing you can do about this.

While I have not been in your specific situation I have battled with being rejected and hurt by others. So I understand part of what you are experiencing. It is painful and gut wrenching and you cannot control what happens. I am learning to let go the hurt. It's most definitely not easy and when I think I have reached that place, something triggers the memories and off I go again.

When the son of a friend of mine died, as you can imagine she was devastated. She told me another friend had written to her and said,"You will never totally forget, but the periods between remembering will get longer." I believe this true for all these sorts of circumstances, the times between remembering will grow longer and the pain will also become more dull and ease.

You have your family around you for support and you know you have done nothing wrong. In fact I believe you have persevered for longer than other people would. Now is the time to let go as much as you can and know this will get better in time. I do suggest you sever all contact with these people as even infrequent contact will resurrect the hurt and cause you suffering.

I have one other suggestion. You are grieving for the loss of your birth family. Ask your GP to recommend a good grief counselor. I think it would be good for you to gently look at the hurt with someone who can help you through the hard times until you start healing. I hope you will continue to write in here as I am happy to continue chatting.

Mary

[Antigone]

So glad to have you on my side, Mary.

My mother, sisters and sister-in-law went on a cruise together. It was made known to me but I was not invited. To add to my anguish, their ship passed by my home. 'I had not moved on' they said. That, despite the fact that they hurt me. I tried to arrange a family get-together to celebrate the birth of my sister's first grandchild. She sabotaged it - didn't tell my nephew the date. He arranged to work that day. I had the car packed for the 800 kilometre drive. I found out the night before that the arrangements I had made four months earlier had been cancelled. The whole blame was put on me - I cannot account for their thinking!! But I snapped when my mother blamed me yet again. I said 'no more' and backed off. For that I am held accountable! I am the 'bad' one. My nieces and nephews brought in to the fray. Told what my mother and sisters want to tell them. I lose everyone (except the people that know me) because of my mother's narcissism and the terrible fact that she discouraged friendship between the siblings from an early age. So when I left the fray I have been treated worse than ever before. I have in fact seen counsellors and psychologists and now a psychiatrist to adjust my pills in order to face this life. My sisters say I make it up, drivel, BS, etc. They were never there behind closed doors nor heard the whispered asides. I was always there for them for life's sadness's. The death of a husband for one and the cheating of a husband for the other. My mother was not. But it is to her that they put their allegiance. I hate to be cynical, but she has a will in their favour, I do not. They stand to inherit my portion. I would rather have the truth than the money. I will never get either.

[Antigone]

Thanks White Knight,

I will chase up your suggestion.

Regards

Antigone

[White_Rose]

Dear Antigone

Lovely to hear from you again even though the circumstances are sad. There comes a time when you say 'no more' and mean it. Putting yourself in the situation of being constantly hurt will do you no good.

It is good news that you have some mental health experts on your side. How is it going? Has it been difficult to 'click' with any of them? From my experience it's good to talk to a psychologist. They see the world differently to psychiatrists. At the moment I see a psychiatrist (although she been away for quite few weeks). I am also talking to a fantastic psychologist who unfortunately can only give me a limited number of sessions. But I am far more able to manage my life and all the attendant problems we encounter.

What I have found when people are so adamant that you are making things up, or they are doing the right thing, is that it is they who are feeling guilty. I truly believe that at some point they know the hurt they have given you and know it is your mother who is pulling the strings. With a narcissistic parent life is so unpredictable and your siblings have seen the treatment handed out to you. They do not want to be on the receiving end so are happy to let you bear the burden.

If you cut all contact with your family I suspect one of your siblings will be treated as you have been. The first one to rock the boat will be targeted and that is such a sad thing to say. Eventually the others will be almost forced to admit where the blame lies but may never try to reconcile with you. I hope you can get you life back on track and build up your resilience to blame and hurt.

What do your various counselors advise? Have they suggested your walk away? You may need to block their phone calls and emails to keep yourself safe from any contact. As I write these words I feel so sad for you that you need to consider these actions. I know from experience that even one contact can send you back to the black dog. While you do not know what is going on you will find it easier to go about your business without the constant stress. This really is a situation where ignorance is bliss.

Your nieces and nephews are standing back a step from the fray as they have not lived with your mom. You may well find as they get older they will start to see where the blame lies and may seek you out. Great that you own family is continuing to support you. And of course I am more than happy to continue chatting here.

Mary