I’m Lost, I don’t want to live anymore

[Kazzam3310]

I hate myself typing these words. I have been seeing a psychologist for over two years have seen a psychiatrist had my medication changed. I go okay for a little while then I’m struggling with not wanting to live. I have a history of childhood abuse. Recently I’ve had confirmation of other family members being abused as well, I have had nightmares and I don’t know whether anything happened but the feelings these nightmares leave are terrifying.

I feel selfish feeling that I want to end my life, I feel that talking about it is a band aid affect, everything is okay for a little while but the problem is still there. I have 3 beautiful children and 4 gorgeous grandchildren this should be enough for me to want to live.

I sleep the majority of the time, I don’t eat because I can’t stand the thought of food, don’t shower for days on end, I know it’s not good, yes I know that I should get out of the house, go for a walk, everything is too much effort. I tell myself I’m so lazy.
 

[Allay]

Hi Kazzam.

I’m sorry you’re in so much emotional and mental pain. I’m sorry you were not safe in childhood. And that you are carrying so much guilt.

I think your feelings of not wanting to live are possibly feelings of wanting the pain to end? (I have been at that point at times in my life too). As you have said, ‘ … everything is ok for a little while … ‘. The unbearable level of your suffering will decrease again. Hold on.

I’m glad you are seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist and hope you are honest with them about the severity of your suffering. I’m glad you have posted here. You are fighting for yourself. Fighting the desperation. Standing up for yourself. Reach out to the Beyond Blue number if you need to. 1300 22 4636. Or lifeline. Or your local hospital.

You are not lazy. You sound overwhelmed and depressed. Keep fighting.

Warm regards

Allay.

[geoff]

Hello Kazzam, it's understandable to feel his way and very sorry you do, but this person who has been doing this type of abuse needs to be reported to the police, and if this worries you, then do it by crime stoppers 1800 333 000
-https://crimestoppers.com.au, or if the other members as well as yourself go the police and make a formal statement then the perpetrator will be charged, only then can your healing begin.

I'm not a doctor nor qualified to say this, but you have three beautiful children and four gorgeous grandchildren that adore you and once this person has been charged, then you can start to feel better and heal your ways.

My best.

Geoff.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Kazzam3310,
 
Firstly, welcome to the forums we are so glad that you found your way to this supportive and welcoming community. We hope that you find ideas, options and support from the shared experiences and knowledge of all our members. Our heart goes out to anyone who has suffered childhood abuse and we are so pleased that you have had the resilience to reach out to the forums for assistance.
 
We are sorry to hear that you feel things have suddenly gotten worse after a period of recovery, fluctuations in your mental state are a normal part of the ongoing journey of recovery. We hope you don’t put pressure on yourself for your current mental state especially after such devastating news about fellow family members being abused, please acknowledge the strength and fortitude you have shown thus far. It sounds as though this has been an ongoing struggle, but that you find strength in your family bonds and we encourage you to do so.
 
We would suggest talking to your psychologist to discuss how you currently are. Also contacting your G.P as they are your primary care provider and would be the best person to provide recommendations, treatments, and referrals (back to your psychiatrist if required).
 
We have a few numbers and links that we have provided for you, we encourage you to contact and engage with any of these services that you may feel comfortable with.
 
If you need more immediate contact, please use our Beyond Blue support service 24/7, either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
 
We would also recommend the Blue knot service; they are a serviced designed to assist clients who have had complex and significant trauma during their lives. You can contact them on phone 1300 657 380 or via their site at https://blueknot.org.au/
 
If the thoughts of wanting end your life, become too intense or overwhelming we encourage you to reach out to Lifeline via phone on 13 11 14 or via web chat via https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/
 
Should you feel unsafe or that it is an emergency we urge you to contact Emergency services on 000.
 
We hope that you find the support and direction that you are seeking on the forums. Once again, we are so glad you have joined the forums and we hope that you feel welcomed into the community.  
 
Warm regards
Sophie M

[yggdrasil]

Hi Kazzam,

Thank you so much for posting on here. You've been through hell, and I'm so sorry you've had to experience what you have. The fact you're still fighting, and reaching out for help is incredible, and you should be very proud of your guts and bravery.

I understand the deep self-loathing you're experiencing. Negative experiences can set up extremely deep and powerful habits of thought and behaviour, that seem absolutely rational and "justified" when they occur, but really are not. A metaphor I find helpful is that these negative thoughts/feelings will always fight very hard for their own survival, and it takes habitual, patient psychological exercise to gradually unravel and weaken them.

Have you ever heard of Schema Therapy? Schema Therapy is used by clinical psychologists on psych wards to help people with really deep trauma, who don't improve with other treatments. Schema is a very "mainstream" and evidence based approach (as far as this is possible in psychology). I found it very helpful. There are lots of resources online, and your psychologist should also be able to tell you more about it.

In addition to the excellent resources Sophie_M shared, there is also the suicide call back service (1300 659 467) which is similar to lifeline. I have called both at different times, and they are very helpful and getting you through crisis moments.

Thanks again for sharing on here. Keep fighting. Just look for the tiniest little steps to take each day. If walks outside are too hard, just try to get up and walk around the house periodically. If that's too hard, just try wriggling your feet in bed. Just find the smallest thing that's achievable and aim for that.