I'm a newbie!

[Edinburghmum]

Hi everyone

Not really sure how to start or if this is even the right place to put it but whoever out there reads this, thank you. I guess this is good way to put down what is going on in my head.

Today is not a good day. Today I feel like I have failed completely as a mother and the urge to leave is overwhelming. 

Short summary. We (being me, husband and then 11 year old son) left the UK in 2011 on the same day I graduated law. We had initially applied to move to Australia in 2008 but changes in visa rules meant it was delayed. I had spent 5 years studying whilst working full time and knew that I would have to give up the job that I loved and my career. However the desire to do right by my son (give him better opportunities and open doors for his future) and give my husband a better life (he broke his back in several places in 2004 so suffered terribly from arthritic pain in the UK) meant that this was put on the backburner. Creating our new life in Australia has been relatively easy so far. My son has consistently said that he will not return to the UK as this is home now and my husband has changed his career and is thriving. We own our home, both have jobs and have made some great friends.

However, I have increasingly become resentful and stressed out, predominantly because of my son. He very nearly failed year 11 because of his complete lack of study and disregard for school. Don't get me wrong he is a really good kid, polite, kind and helpful but he frustratingly does not have the same will to study as he does for anything else. I resent him because I worked so hard to get my law degree in the UK and gave it all up for him and now he seems to be throwing it all away. During year 11 we had such a huge falling out that he said he may as well be dead which put a knife through my heart. He consistently promises me that he will talk to his teachers about things that he does not understand and when I ask him if he did, he says no because he was busy with other things - his friends. Year 12 has sadly started on the same foot as year 11 and I cannot deal with this again. I have no idea who to turn to or how to cope with this again. I am scared for him as there is so much at stake and he has so much potential. 

Since we have moved to Australia I have lost  my cousin very suddenly to breast cancer, my father has lost the eyesight in both eyes due to strokes and 2 weeks ago my auntie died suddenly. 

I feel so hopeless and selfish. 

[Starwolf]

Hey Edinburghmum,

Sorry to read you are going through such a hard time. Courageously opening up about it on these forums is a great place to start.

Giving up your job and career must have been a difficult decision. I understand why it makes you feel resentful.  It is awful to feel that sacrificing so much may have made no positive impact.

Are you enjoying your present job or do you still regret the career opportunity you left behind ?

Being a parent myself, I can understand your frustration re your son's lack of learning motivation. I didn't have much of it myself in my school days. We all learn at a different rate and often, those of us who disliked school go back to studies later when we feel more ready for them. That's what I did, and that's what my daughter did too. Although scary, your son's present lack of interest doesn't necessarily mean he is throwing his life away.

Have you spoken to a school counselor ? Your son may be better inclined to discuss his concerns with an outsider.  He is at a difficult age. Lots of youngsters find it difficult to speak openly with parents. Finding out what exactly is lying at the source of his reluctance would be most helpful. Being at loggerheads with him will not. It will only make it more stressful for both of you.... a mediator is often needed when we are at odds with our nearest and dearests.

​I hope a plan can be devised to address your son's concerns and also your own.

You are a great Mum. You have made brave decisions even if they don't pay off immediately. Thank you for trusting us with your story. You will find here people who understand where you're at and are willing to offer support when needed.

I hope you will post again to let us know how it all goes. Meanwhile, take care.

[White_Rose]

Dear Edinburgh Mum

Welcome to Beyond Blue. This is definitely the right place to talk about the things that bother you. I also emigrated to Australia from the UK many years ago. I have a good life here and feel I would not make my home in the UK again. My children were all born here but three of them have visited the UK as part of their rite of passage. My eldest daughter brought a husband back with her.

Like Starwolf, I understand the frustration of children not working to their capacity at school. I'm sure they have very good reasons, just a shame they are not obvious to us. As we all know, it's an age when all sorts of things are happening in a teenagers life and they get as confused as we feel. But I'm sure you know all this. However, I think it helps to know you are not alone in your frustration.

Talking to a school counsellor is a great idea. They have probably been through this scenario many times, but more importantly they can talk to your son from a different perspective to yours.

I understand you are working but not as a lawyer. Is it possible to have your degree recognised here and be admitted to the bar? Then you could work in the area you prefer.  You may need to return to uni for a couple of subjects. I do not know how your degree matches with an Australian degree, but surely there would not be much difference.

Please let us know how you are going.

Mary