I don't know where to start...

[A_Professional_Actor]

So, hi.

I'm a 19-year-old girl in my first year of university. And I'm struggling, more than I thought or wanted to admit. I don't know what exactly is wrong with me, or what the things that go on inside my brain mean, but the online tests I've taken say I have a "high" indicator of anxiety, social anxiety, depression, and ADHD.

If you knew me in real life, like most of my friends know me, you'd never be able to tell. I am the positive one, the funny one, the one that listens and makes you feel better. I've become so good at it over the years, inventing this entire persona in which my closest friends know and love. If they met me, the real me, they'd think I'm a stranger.

I hate small talk. I'm not a naturally kind person. I dread any kind of social interaction -- or any kind of contact with humanity. I despise public transport because I feel trapped between walls of other people. I hate crowded lecture theatres. I hate tutorials, where they require a more intimate classroom connection.

I have amazing opportunities in life right now -- I'm currently studying a course that was my first preference in Year 12, and I have possible future job opportunities. I really try to appreciate this, especially since so many around me have none of these opportunities, but it's hard.

In my course, the one I dreamed of taking since I was a child, I feel completely incompetent. I am constantly waiting for someone to confront me, in class or in the hallways, and tell me to leave, that I don't belong here, that it was some clerical mistake, that I'm not good enough, diligent enough, smart enough. I feel that way all the time. In Semester 1 it was pretty bad because I tried to fake my way through it. I pretended to know what others were talking about, pretended that I wasn't in fact lost, that I didn't understand. I wanted so badly to fit in -- I need to fit in. But it backfired, and only made my feeling of incompetence worse.

So I decided that this semester, I was going to turn my life around. That I would force myself to be positive, diligent, happy and curious, even on the days that I didn't feel like it. And it worked, for about the past three weeks. I watched so many inspirational videos, and read so many books. But it isn't sticking -- I feel like I can't escape whatever the hell is wrong with me.

I just want to be happy, and live a positive and normal life. But why do I have to try so hard? I can't anymore, I'm so tired.

[james1]

Hello there,

First of all welcome to the forums and thank you for being brave and taking off that mask to tell us what's happening. I imagine that may have been a pretty big step for you.

I'm 25 but it wasn't thaaat long ago (fine, who am I kidding?) that I was in uni as well and, from what you've said about disliking being around and trapped with people, geez uni sounds pretty tough. In the same way, I still remember that feeling of incompetence. It sounds like you must've done pretty well in year 12 and being surrounded by high achieving students can start to make you feel the way you do.

Have you heard of impostor syndrome? It's a real issue that a lot of high achieving (women in particular) people have. The idea that they've done really well but they won't internalise and accept that as an achievement, but will be exposed as a fraud.

So I guess what I'm saying (badly) is that there will be others who, like you, are struggling really hard to fit in and have to basically be a professional actor studying a degree in something other than acting. Tragic right? But you're not alone and there are people here on the forums, and at uni to help you out.

Have you ever spoken to anyone about what your feeling? Doctors in particular can help you out and see if there's a medical solution - and I don't just mean drugs, but even just a place to talk to someone and set some goals or priorities in order. In fact, the uni has counsellors I think. Have you ever spoken to them?

James

[A_Professional_Actor]

Hi James,

Thanks for the reply.

No, I haven't heard of Imposter Syndrome, but it sounds pretty accurate. Although there are genuine factors in which constantly fuel my feeling of incompetence. I grew up in a low socio-economic, non-English-speaking environment, and went to school in that environment. I felt competent in that environment because, as bad as it sounds, the competition was pretty much nonexistent.

Maybe it's Big-Fish-In-A-Small-Pond Syndrome, haha.

The university I go to attracts students from the best, most prestigious schools in the country. Therefore, it's generated such a highly competitive environment and I feel like I have so much to catch up with in terms of intellectual competence. I should feel accomplished that I even made it this far, but I only feel like the more I advance, the more I'm overwhelmed with the obvious difference between myself and my peers.

I guess I've always refused to actually acknowledge the need for some kind of mental help. Mental illness is like an urban myth in my cultural background -- an excuse for weakness, laziness, and incompetence. I don't actually feel like I have a mental illness some days. Some days it's okay, and I'm easily distracted, easily positive and cheerful. Other days, it seems it all comes crashing down at once and I basically feel incapacitated by it all. The idea of talking to someone about something so personal makes me uncomfortable, even if they are professionals.

I've considered it, but I've never actually taken the step to do it. I feel like there's no point. There's so much context behind everything that I feel like it's a waste of time because who would actually be able to understand?

[james1]

Hey, I hear what you say about going from a low socio-economic school to a high flying uni. That's often one of the big contributors and, like you said, these could be genuine factors which fuel your feeling of incompetence.

That said, I wonder whether these academic goals and criteria is a set of criteria you want to judge yourself against. I ask because, depending on your goals and personality, it could be helpful or it could be hurtful. Knowing that there is always going to be someone with better grades who can speak more articulately will drive some people to better themselves while it diminishes others so they just stop working.

I kind of alluded to my own experience of that before. I finished a 3 year degree in Economics with a low distinction average. I got a graduate job at one of the four major banks in their institutional banking arm and immediately was surrounded by other graduates with high distinction averages, university medals, law degrees, experience in overseas conferences...

Basically they were better than me.

But to me, that just meant I had a huge opportunity to learn. It was like playing 1st grade when I'm actually just throw the balls to little kindy kids So I made the most of the opportunity and, the funny thing is, nobody cares how intellectually smart you are at work. They notice work ethic and the desire to be better.

You mentioned something as well about cultural backgrounds. I get that too. I come from a Chinese background where maths is king and even if I come 3rd in a test with 86%, I'm still dumb because I didn't get 100%. And suicide? Yeah, I deserve it.

So what's the point trying to explain all this kind of stuff to you or to a psychologist? Because sometimes people get it.

We all have our own different experiences but when you talk about feeling overwhelmed with the obvious difference between yourself and your peers - I think of how I felt overwhelmed talking to a fellow graduate who had just come back from Amsterdam after giving a speech, while I spent my summer holiday playing xbox.

When you speak about mental illness being an urban myth and not feeling like it's a valid reason for anything, I think of my parents telling me that people who are suicidal are just attention seekers.

I'm hearing you, and I suspect there will be health professionals who do too. Perhaps it's more square fish in a round pond syndrome? Feeling out of place and just wrong somehow?

Thanks for posting back btw!