I am struggling with severe depression and anxiety

[Kumud]

Hi,

I am kumud. I am 28 years old and I work for a Telecommunication company. For the past several years I have struggled a lot with anxiety and depression symptoms. I have had OCD for a long time, since 13/14 years as I can remember. I used to have checking rituals like, but I was aware not to perform these acts in the outside world, and I was able to successfully keep the rituals to my self and only my family members have seen me doing these acts. Anyway I managed to keep on going regardless of these difficulties and I went to university and I was able to find a job. Even when facing exams/interviews I had a lot of stress, and it was a nightmare.

While at university I had a mindset thinking that I am very special/gifted and thought that I was able to do big stuff. I used to have very big dreams like developing very complicated/complex software beyond my reach. Also I thought like that I was able to create a big company like google and facebook. Anyway after graduation I had to go for a engineer role at a telco company, and this made me really unhappy. I thought to myself, why the heck am I doing small stuff when I can do very big things and I was worrying that this was not enough for me. I thought I had potential but this potential was imaginary and I never liked taking responsibility or working very hard with lot of commitment.

Currently I have managed to keep these big ideas away from my self. But still I am struggling with a lot of negative thoughts/intrusive thoughts. The doctor has prescribed me medications and I do take them.

Also I have lot of abandonment fears. I get lot of depression when thinking what will happen to me after my parents die, like who will take care of me. Also what I have noticed is that I can't work very well with other's as well. I will often get too stressed even at the smallest things and I cannot maintain a close relationship with other's because I think I am not up to their standards most of the time. Also I talk very little with others as I have a fear I will say something inappropriate/hurtful. And sometimes I fear if I get too close with them they might ask for help, and I will not be able to help them, which will eventually lead to loss of friendship.

So this is my story, and any thoughts/ideas on how to improve my state are most welcome.

Br,

Kumud.
 

[White_Rose]

Dear Kumud

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Thank you for telling us your story. This is a safe place to talk about the things that worry you as this is a very supportive community.

You seem to have a very complicated life and with the depression going on as well I can see why you find life a bit overwhelming. I see you are taking medication to help with your anxieties. Do you find that helps you? Has your GP referred you to a counsellor/psychologist/psychiatrist? You seem very aware of your problems which makes me think you may be seeing a therapist.

I think most people when they are young have big ideas about what they are going to achieve in life. Sometimes we do achieve these ambitions. Your job sounds interesting. I take it you are an engineer of some sort. Many people find exams and interviews very stressful. Hopefully this anxiety will get less as you get more practice in interviews.

You must be living with your parents. Have you thought of moving out of home? You are concerned about what will happen when your parents pass away and of course will feel sad. There are several ways you can prepare yourself for this. So have you considered renting a unit or home of your own and possibly buying your own home? By 28 many singles have moved out of the family home to make their own lives. There is nothing wrong with staying with your parents but moving out will give you the opportunity to practice being self sufficient.

Sometimes we need to get outside our comfort zones and try a different path. Of course you will still be able to visit your parents when you wish. Do you have any siblings? Where do they live? How do you get on with your family members? Can you talk to them about how you are feeling?

You say, Also I talk very little with others as I have a fear I will say something inappropriate/hurtful. And sometimes I fear if I get too close with them they might ask for help, and I will not be able to help them, which will eventually lead to loss of friendship. I have found when you make friends with anyone they will overlook any odd comments you make. It's a shame you feel you could not help others if they ask.

One of the most common thoughts we have when we are depressed is to think others are better than us and never make mistakes. It's not true. You are as worthwhile as anyone else.

I would like to hear from you again if that's OK with you.

Mary