Husband left us for family friend

[AlexandraR]

Six years ago, my sons and myself systematically contracted a glandular fever like virus which subsequently developed into ME/CFS. My husband found it difficult to understand, and pressured us to try harder which caused many arguments. About 18 months ago, husband decided to move out into temporary accommodation because he wasn’t coping. He continued to call in and and take boys to appointments as I was too unwell to do so. He continued his active social life and work travel, while we struggled with the most basic demands of daily living. On weekend after Christmas 2019, he took off camping with friends when he was supposed to be spending time with boys and give me a break. When he came back, he revealed to me he had been away with the widow of his best friend (friend of mine) and they had apparently been on a few dates earlier. I was a mess, especially as he had never discussed separation was permanent. In weeks following this, he revealed relationship had been going on for 8 months, and they had strong feelings; she had revealed her feelings for him four months after her husband passed away in Oct. 2017. My husband is still seeing her despite saying how sorry he is that he has hurt us all. At my suggestion - when he was crying & humble - he finally organised to see a psychologist next month to help him make sense of his actions. I have stopped him from dropping in here at home, but he can see boys outside of the home anytime. He misses the boys, but then repeated the same hurtful action of going away with his gf and friends this past long weekend, when he could have been spending time with the boys. I’m struggling to pick myself up physically and emotionally and be strong for the boys (16 & 14). My husband doesn’t want us to make any decisions regarding divorce until he sees psychologist, but I am so hurt and resentful, and feel I need to do something to move on, although not sure I have strength to deal with added burden of legal proceedings. I am unable to work due to my illness. I have great family support but am quite isolated due to the nature of illness. I was on brink of a nervous breakdown when all was revealed, but with help from my sister, 16 year old son and psychiatrist, narrowly escaped falling down the rabbit hole. Not sure how to prepare myself to cope with pain &heartache that is inevitably going to keep coming when we least expect it.

[Croix]

Dear AlexandraR~

Welcome here. I only know only a little about ME/CFS, and that comes from the the US Government's Center for Disease Control and Prevention. It certainly is a debilitating physical (as opposed to psychological) condition with effects that severely curtail your life. You mentioned that your sons contracted the glandular fever at the same time you did, did they contract ME/CFS too?

You ask " Not sure how to prepare myself to cope with pain &heartache that is
inevitably going to keep coming when we least expect it."

Well frankly I'd think you are already there, and I'm not sure what other shocks are in store concerning your husband. He has - and continues - to have a life with another woman, lies to you, and fails in his duties to relieve you and look after the boys.

I'm not sure what role a psychologist could play, after all he does not sound as if he has a mental health condition, but simply wants a different life - at your expense.

I admire your strength that despite all you have insisted he stay away, and only see the boys elsewhere. To have some measure of control over the situation is a great thing and goes to show your character.

Having a family, sister, son and psychiatrist all there for you must be a real boon, though I can well understand the isolating effect of your condition.

You talk of divorce, and at the same time wonder if you can stand up to the legal process involved. Perhaps talking to an organization such as Relationships Australia 's Post Separation Service (1300 364 277) may assist in making a judgment about starting proceedings at this moment and what's likely to be involved.

Please let us know what you think

Croix

[AlexandraR]

Thanks so much for your reply, as well as your advice which aligns with what I have been thinking. Myself & two sons all have ME/CFS. The oldest missed almost 3 years of school (but is back almost full time now) and younger one has been missing huge chunks over the past 2 years, which has led to extreme anxiety for him, requiring the need for professional help which he is currently undergoing. The physical & emotional load for me dealing with all of this while sick myself has been/is overwhelming. I have considered calling Relationships Australia, and your advice has helped me to see that I am going in the right direction. Thank you

[AlexandraR]

Something else I forgot to mention is that 6 months after we contracted the glandular virus, we had nearly recovered, but husband insisted we go on pre organised work trip to Cancun. I didn’t think we were well enough, and boys & I did not want to go, but relented as it felt like he would not be forgiving if we didn’t go. The travel took its toll and then developed into ME/CFS, causing me to feel and show resentment towards my husband (big arguments ensued) and extreme guilt for giving in and compromising my sons health as well as my own. I think this is when our relationship really began to deteriorate

[Croix]

Dear AlexandraR~

Guilt is something of a double edged sword in the human race, there are many who by all rights should feel it and don't. Then there is the opposite, the group you fall into, that feels guilt though undeserved.

I'm being logical, and that probably won't have any effect, but I would like to think that in time that guilt might turn into simple regret, another human condition, and far less destructive to the self.

My own understanding of ME/CFS is negligible, however I suspect it is a little known conditon, even among parts of the medical profession. That its predictability and diagnosis is difficult, it affects people in differing ways and is to some extent manifests in different ways in different people.

When you and your husband made the decision to travel you did so for reasons that did not take into account the future - how could they? Now in hindsight that trip may have precipitated the illness.

It is easy - and most often natural - to want to do what one's partner wants, and if there has been a history of difficulties if he did not get his way then it is even more understandable. One could look at an alternative view, that if you had refused it might have brought on a separation, not a good thing for children and maybe that helped unconsciously sway your judgment.

I'm guessing and admit it, nevertheless you did not have a crystal ball.

Now you are well aware of just how selfish he has been and are thinking the best thing may be separation, and I'm sure it is a mature judgment taking everything you can think of into account.

I wish your choices now were easier.

One thing I do suggest, and it has worked for me for many years. Take a time each day to do somethng just for you, somethng you enjoy. A chapter in a book, a passage of music, talking to someone on the phone, a dvd ... I've no idea what you might like, but having something to look forward to every day, something that takes your mind away from the present, and something that will in time let you feel you are a person that deserves reward - it makes a big difference.

Please let us know how you are getting on

Croix

[AlexandraR]

Thank you so much. Your replies are so insightful and ring true for me about how things have come about, and how to move forward. I will certainly take your advice about doing something for myself, in order to move forward and feel some happiness again. I want to try and let go of the bitterness, as it’s not helpful for my emotional and physical well being or my children. I’ll be sure to let you know of any further developments. I’m hoping there are some positive ones ahead, but realise there will also be some challenging times.

Thanks again,

Alex

[Croix]

Dear AlexandraR~

You are so right abut bitterness, it hurts you, and does your kids no good even if you are saying the truth. Better to talk of different happier things.

As your life improves I'm sure the immediacy of the hurt will recede, leaving you without feeling that overpowering guilt and resentment. Improvement can be many different things, being respected and considered and loved is probably one of the most important.

Now I guess you are going to be busy with practical matters

Croix