How can I help my adult son ?

[Trac]

Hi everyone , I’m desperate and new .

I have an adult son that suffers terrible anxiety & now depression, his life has turned into a train wreck. He sleeps all day & stays up all night , drinking & smoking, never sees the sun . He’s put on so much weight & looks pasty .
the sad thing is he refuses to see this as a problem and just tells me to leave him alone , I’ve had multiple conversations with him . He will not seek help or acknowledge that there is anything wrong . His friends , sister & parents are all very concerned , his girlfriend of 10 years left him because she can’t see any future ( which is sad but I understand her reasons ) this is not new behaviour but lockdown has certainly made it worse . Should I do tough love ? Should I take the door off his room ? I’m scared to leave him the way he is , I can’t convince him to come outside for fresh air let alone come to the doctor with me .
Any advice?

[Petal22]

Hi Trac,

So sorry to hear that your son is going through this, I understand it is so hard to watch our loved ones in this state……..

I understand anxiety I had severe anxiety OCD I’ve now recovered from this condition…….. I understand living with debilitating anxiety it is very difficult! It’s difficult for the one suffering with it and it’s also difficult for their loved ones to watch……

Has your son been diagnosed with anxiety in the past?

I understand it’s very difficult to watch when the one suffering with it can’t see it and finds it hard to ask for help……

Can you think of any thing that may have triggered this in him?

Some times when some one goes through something that they find distressing they can react in this way and turn to other things to try to mask the pain eg…. Drinking

Im sorry to hear your sons girlfriend left him…. That’s sad….. he really needs support from the ones he loves and love him…..

I know this is so hard to watch but you can only be there for him and support him…… no matter how hard it is ……… he just needs love and support and to know his loved ones are there for him no matter what……. Keep talking to him……

When someone is broken , don’t try to fix them ( you can’t)

When some one is hurting, don’t try to take away their pain ( you can’t)

Instead, LOVE them by walking beside them in the hurt. You CAN

Because what some people need is to simply know they aren’t alone.

here to chat to you …. 😊❤️

[Trac]

Thank you so much & and to everyone else that has taken time out of their day to respond to me . It’s actually making me feel better having positive feedback & suggestions. I was so worried that I didn’t know what I was doing , but my ideas seem to be the same as my new friends on here. 🙏 I am not opposed to tough love , just not sure how hard to push , a few years ago my FIL committed suicide & left our family devastated, although I don’t think my son is suicidal, it sticks in my brain that we used to see my father in law every week & we did not see his pain . It was a complete shock to us . My daughter has now forwarded the beyond blue site to a growing list of his close friends , they are also keen to help . Focusing mainly on how to talk positively to him . I can’t express enough my gratitude to everyone here , it gives me strength & encouragement for the day ahead 🙏🙏☀️

[Trac]

Thank you so much for your encouraging words , I think your totally right , you can’t fix someone & I am glad you said that because as a parent I’m compelled to try and fix the situation but I know logically my son has to want help . I feel a lot better than yesterday hearing everyone’s thoughts . I will continue to do what I’m doing & hopefully chip away at his denial. I’m also setting up a little comfortable outdoor area that I will encourage him to use during lock down , even if it’s in the middle of the night !
thanks again , I appreciate everyone’s help & advice ♥️

[Trac]

Sorry I read your message this morning through tears & didn’t answer your question. Yes my son has had anxiety since he was in primary school , he’s now 28 . He had counseling when he was young & I do know his current doctor is aware but he hasn’t taken up any treatment as an adult . I can also understand him fully as I was diagnosed with sever Panic Disorder in my early 30s and I have fully recovered but it took a lot of hard work . The thing is I wanted all of the help I could get . He’s just not there yet I guess 😳 so I know all of the theories to help him , but this is just so hard to execute when he’s not interested . I’m just starting to understand just how hard it must have been for my husband & family to deal with when I got sick .
im so glad to hear that you have also recovered . Anxiety impacts every bit of your world when your going through it .

[Sophie_M]

Hey Trac, 

Thank you so much for reaching out here. We're really sorry to hear that your son is going through so much at the moment. We understand that you must be feeling very concerned, but it sounds like you're being really supportive and understanding. We hope there is some comfort in the advice and understanding of this community, many of whom will be able to relate to what you're going through in some way.  

Do remember that whenever you're feeling distressed you can talk this through with one of our lovely counsellors on 1300 22 4636, or using our webchat or email. They’ll be able to work through your feelings with you, and help you to access support for your son. We know it's no easy, but please remember that there are a few places he, and you, can call. There's also our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). Many people find webchat preferable, when the idea of picking up the phone and getting help is difficult for them: 

• Beyond Blue 
• Lifeline 
• The Suicide Call Back Service 

We're so sorry to hear about your father in law. That must be incredibly difficult to think about, so do remember that it's really important that you also look to take care of yourself during this time. You might find some useful information in the Looking after yourself part of our site, which does have a section for parents. We'd always welcome your call, it might help to talk things through, on 1300 22 4636. 

Thank you for sharing this, we hope you find some comfort and support, and really appreciate your kind words to others here. Please keep sharing, if you feel comfortable to.  

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[Isabella_]

That's really lovely to hear 🙂

In my own experiences with mental health, I can tell you now that I wish my family would have had the same concern and put in the effort to try and help.. That alone really goes a mile. Making an outdoor area sounds like a really lovely idea ❤️

[Petal22]

That’s ok Trac, I’m so happy to hear you have recovered aswell…… we understand what a huge journey mental health conditions take us on…… I also reached out for help when I was going through mine I will be forever grateful to the health professionals who helped me to recover…… but yes it took a lot of hard work on my part aswell…… I feel very blessed to have come out the other side……… I can now help others who are going through theirs…….. I’ve also seen the other side …… watching some one go through it without seeking the help they need …… they just go into denial…..

Have you thought about having a chat with your son about your mental health journey and how you felt while going through it…..and how you overcome it….. maybe you can be a shining light for him…. It might help him to hear your story it may make him feel more comfortable sharing how he’s feeling with you….

It’s hard being the parent because we want to fix our children when they are suffering but we can’t ….. we can only be there as an understanding person…… listening to what they want to tell us……

Thanks for replying to my question sorry your son has been dealing with anxiety for so long…… I remember when I was in the grips of mine I didn’t fully understand what I was going through……. It’s hard for the sufferer I felt like I was living in an internal hell……… maybe your son is having trouble trying to understand what he’s currently going through?

I know with mine I’d talk about my thoughts and feelings with my loved ones…… I sounded irrational to them but to me it was very real and distressing……..

Yes reflecting on what you said how hard it would have been for your loved ones watching you go through your condition it would have been hard for them to deal with as it would have been for mine….. I guess we are blessed to have such a loving supportive family……. Just like your son is so blessed to have you and his other family members to support him while he is going through his ❤️

Things will be ok, it will just take time…… keep talking and listening to your son …… there is always HOPE that he will ask for help when he’s ready…… I know you will be there with open arms 😊

I’m here to chat to you

[Learn to Fly]

You got this Trac!
You are on the right track and I am so glad to hear that all of us here sort of confirmed some of your thoughts. I am happy to hear this helped you to reassure yourself.

Thank you for being so brave for yourself and your son. You are full of pure, mother’s strength and love. It sounds like your family is also well and truly on board. As difficult as the situation is for all of you, your son is no doubts a very lucky guy to be surrounded by people who care for him so deeply.

My thoughts are with you.

Take care.

[Trac]

I can’t thank you enough , this is great information . 🙏🙏 I don’t feel so confused & helpless now after all of the support from people, willing to take the time from their day to help a complete stranger . It gives me hope

[Trac]

Thank you so much 😊🙏