Hi, I am new here, you guys seem cool, can I hang out here for a bit?

[Blue_Caterpillar]

Ok, here is the background. I am 35, work full time and I am a single father to 2 boys, 13 and 15. I have tertiary qualifications but I now work a demanding and stressful sales job that involves weekend work.

My depression and anxiety hit me when I thought I was going to run out of money and my girlfriend broke up with me. But I have realised that I have been steadily sliding into this state for a while now and I am not sure how I am going to pull myself out of it.

I used to be confident and fun. I had great work friends, a hobby with great mates and an awesome girlfriend. Now it all seems to be gone.

I am working too hard, don’t have a disposable income and I am stuck at home with moody teenagers who just want food and internet.

So the question I have is: How on earth do you get out there and build up a life again with these constraints. I keep avoiding social interactions, I crave them but I just can’t seem to follow through with any plans to get out there and interact.

I have these thoughts that I am a depressing person for others to be around. I am on anti-depressants and I am seeing a psychologist. I guess I am making some progress but sometimes my mood becomes very black and I just have to withdraw.

Social interactions seem to be fleeting and unfulfilling, I think I just really need one or two close friends, even my family don’t seem to
understand or care, they are quite busy with their own lives. I don’t want to impose on people or bring them down with my sadness.

What do we do, does anyone have any ideas? I would really like to connect with others going through this too. I guess I am scared of rejection and of being hurt and it seems to be paralysing me.

Nothing really bad has happened to me, I just want to be well and normal again but it seems like the is no hope.

[Thejokesonme]

Hi I know the feeling I was a single dad for many years struggling with depression and anxiety. My daughter has anxiety and would not go to school which made it twice as bad. She is 17 now and I have had to bend over backwards to please her, sometimes she tell me I was a bad dad and you can imagine how that made me feel. She suffers from anxiety to add to the problem. I went of my meds for about a year then my daughter moved out . Now I get anxiety and am alone. It's hard no matter what others say. They don't know what your feeling nor could they. I battle every day with the hope it will get better. I hope you can take something positive from this site. You are not alone.

[blondguy]

Hey Blue

Welcome to the Beyond Blue Community and thanks for Posting!

I do feel your pain about the periods of black that come with depression...Ive had the black dog hanging around me for many years and even with my meds and counselling it can and does come back now and again.

Well done though Blue for having the self awareness and courage to see a doc and also taking the meds which can be a foundation on which you can heal off. Thejokesonme...has made some great points here too Blu

My daughter is 23 and doesnt live with me anymore and is still moody... wants food and internet too! I care about her but cant get through her new 'dark' and gothic phase....ugh!

You mentioned about having a support network....' I think I just really need one or two close friends' This is a huge bonus if there is anyone you can confide in...Venting can be a great healer....

I find you a very caring and intelligent dad that is working himself very hard. You absolutely do not come across a depressive person to be around either Blue..You would be great company to be around...seriously..

There are many kind people on the forums that can be here for you Blue...no worries there...You are more than welcome to post back as many times as you wish

Thankyou for saying we are cool too!

I do hope that you find some peace soon Blue

My Kind Thoughts

Paul

Thejokesonme>>>>I feel your pain...I can help you on another thread about anxiety...Welcome too!

[Blue_Caterpillar]

Thanks Thejokesonme, I have never actually met or talked to someone in the same position as me.

I don't think single full time fathers are very common. Although, I imagine that thousand of single mums go through this pain every day.

I am sorry to hear you are alone now that your daughter has moved out. I have often thought "everything will be ok when the boys are old enough to move out - then I can finally have a life" but then I think, "what happens if I can't make a new life for myself."

I am trying very hard to remain positive and turn around my negative self talk. I really need to keep it together for my boys sake.

My youngest son has struggled with school all his life. He is now in year 8 and has been feeling like a failure all of this time. His older brother and myself were naturally adept at academics but he takes more after his mum. I know he will be good at something, I just need to guide him through until he can get some wins at something, some children just cannot fit the mould that school wants them to be.

He hasn't got to the full on school avoidance yet, but I think it is just a matter of time. I feel like I am a bad role model for my sons, particularly now with the depression, and you are right, they just cannot see the sacrifices you make for them, just like I could not see the sacrifices my parents made for me. I didn't even know that my dad was on anti depressants until I told him my struggles just recently.

What can I do for you? I am happy to chat and share further, it sounds like you need to vent as much as I do.

[Blue_Caterpillar]

Hi Paul, thanks for your reply.

The term "black dog" is something I have just heard. I have started listening to Double J and there was a song on there called "black dog" by Melody Pool. Really good stuff.

I have realised that I have always been attracted to the melancholy, particularly in the music I listen too. But I think I have always been so busy and driven that I have not noticed my depression. It is only now, without a partner and having the ability to take time out from work (ie work half days, seven days a week) that I have noticed that I am all alone.

I really like the goth imagery and ideal, but have never been a part of it, it is very much a young persons thing. I guess it is a rebellion thing, I am sure you and your daughter will be close again in the future.

My partner was my very close friend and lover, we didn't live together (she was not able to handle our slightly disfunctional family life - despite really trying) but she was all I needed socially.

I had let most of my other social supports go to be with her and now she is gone, I am trying to build these up again. There are good times and bad times. Sometimes I get so anxious after, or before a social interaction that I have to retreat to alcohol or drugs. This is obviously a bad thing for children to see so I would withdraw.

I feel like I have neglected them, but it is so hard to drag them out of their rooms and do something fun, I guess this is the natural progression of life, I left home at 15.

Am I just supposed to give them their food, internet and freedom, I know that kids these days interact online more than in person, but it does not seem healthy to me.

I want to get out and meet up with people, yet here I am tying away in an online forum...

[blondguy]

Hey Blue

I get it...I am also typing away on a online forum too...except you have the benefit of being 35...seriously. I am 56 and still watch Family Guy and the Simpsons....Thats probably a no brainer as to why I am still single....:-) (just having a laugh at myself there Blue)

You have the benefit of only being 35 with two great sons, you are not 45 or 55 with teens that feed off the www and want food...I hear you so very well. You are also working your butt off...which is fine but how would you allocate any time to a new friend? (sorry...just asking if thats okay)

You are well educated and extremely well articulated. If I may ask you Blue....do you really have no one that you can confide in for support? I have 2 people that I have to 'bounce' off or vent to....when I can reach them....do you have one person?

Thanks heaps for posting back Blue 🙂

Paul

[Thejokesonme]

Hi Blue my daughter didn't want to be with her mum but I was in a mess at the time. I wasn't sure I could look after her but I just did what I needed to do. While I was dealing with school refusal I wanted to be open and honest and told those at school that I was suffering from mental illness that was a big mistake. They don't say anything to your face but they started treating me differently after that. The mum started saying that it was my fault that my daughter didn't go to school. She was never around and never offered to help in any way. I did my best and you can't do any more than that. I hope things improve for you keep in contact and we can support each other

[Blue_Caterpillar]

Hey Paul, I know I seem young compared to some and it may seem that I have a lot of life ahead of me. I just don't want to slip into a habit of being a recluse. My friends all seem to be moving away or have busy young families now. I really don't like being negative and hanging my problems on people. Everyone has their own issues they are dealing with, and I know mine can seem trivial compared to some others. You are right, I do find it very hard to give the time to friends that they deserve. I really don't like these random short lived interactions via facebook messages with existing old friends. I have tried dating, but am just not in the headspace for it. My self esteem is so low that I can't seem to be a fun person to be around.

I have been selective about who I have opened up too Thejokes, I certainly didn't tell anyone at work, even though I am sure they can see it in my demeanor and performance. I had my first panic attack just after a disciplinary meeting at the school for my son, I am sure they just thought I was a deadbeat dad. I have to be strong for my boys, and just keep on doing what I have to do. Otherwise I am sure I would lose the plot. My sons don't want to go to their Mums, but that is because she has a new young family, a small home and slower internet. This means that they are always with me and I can't do anything else except work, feed them and feel miserable. It sucks when you don't get any support, the isolation and the constant pressure take their toll. I have no doubt that you did all the best that you could do and I am sure your daughter will see that in time.

[blondguy]

Hey Blue...Thanks for posting back

I was actually envious of you for being 35....I didnt mean to convey the old over used term of you have a lot of life left ahead of you.

I do empathize with you and the quicksand you are in right now...I was just trying to throw you a line that you can hang on to. I have been in that crappy place recently and it is a awful place to be in. I understand your isolation and the inability even as a good dad to have a break and time for yourself.

I am also isolated even though I live in a semi rural area in Melbs southern subs. It is not much help to you right now as you dont want to be stuck in a rut...same as me. I have been in the same boat as yours with the 'demanding directors'....that combined with a lack of some friendship (TLC) . I have a huge Chow Chow German Shep cross who is my only companion....bless his heart....

If its okay to say....you really need some respite at home.....I understand about your friends as they are all settled and having kids.

Your situation is not trivial at all Blue.....besides a work colleague is there a relative that can help and give you some 'time out'?

Here for you....I understand you are 'boxed in' Blue

Paul