hi - first post. this is hell

[tommy86]

Hi, its even hard to type as my mind wants to drag my attention back to my it's crap.

I'm 29 years old and I have been suffering from panic attacks and anxiety for about 11 years now since I first went to University after high school.

My first panic attacks were so bad I thought I was a having a nervous breakdown and going nuts. I started to panic about having panic attacks which alot of you will know is a deep dark road to head down. I started to feel disconnected from myself, numb legs and ruminating about existential things. I was seeing a uni psychologist and I remember the day she said I was suffering from depression. It was like I was hit by bus and i went into a even deeper darker place. I would think constantly about hurting myself and others. 10 years on and neither has happened and never will. I know it's just an obbsessive thought that makes me anxious. I recovered as we will all do but it felt as if I changed. My perspective on life was never to be same the again. Little things didn't matter anymore. An awakening so to speak. Over the next ten years up to now I have been fine with 2 or 3 episodes(i call them) where I get hooked by my thoughts and go down an existential thinking path. I am currently a uni student doing 3rd year electrical engineering and i have been hit by this again. I was on medication for years and was feeling normal and well so I was weening off them over about 6 months.

I was having a stressful time with summer work(actually the boredom was killing me) and was stressing about family things. I had a argument with my fiancee about house work I didn't do over the summer, then I ended up doing it all in one day feeling angry and stressed, it felt good after to have it done but the next day i didn't feel right.

The feeling out being "out of it" and existential thoughts started to come back. I then woke up in the night and had a panic attack and thought I was going to hurt my fiancee.This thought became an obsession. As usual it's just fear and anxiety. Over the next couple of weeks I experienced very low moments and wishing I wasn't born and angry for being alive. I upped medication and seeing psycologist.

I am a very loving, caring and intellegent person who just feels lost at the moment. I have hope that I will recover althought.

Thanks for listening

[Kazzl]

Hi Tommy, welcome to the forum. Well done for posting here, I can see that was a difficult thing to do. You have a lot going on in your mind, seems it's overwhelming for you.

How long has it been since you spoke to your doctor or psychologist? It sounds to me like it might be time to talk things through with them again, and get your medication levels and type checked. When we're aware of what's going on with us it's easy to dismiss things as 'just fear and anxiety' or 'just depression' etc and wait and hope it will pass. Often it does, but sometimes we need to focus on it and try different strategies or new medication.

Information and insight are your best friends in this situation. I suggest you read around the site and other reputable sources and learn as much as you can about depression, anxiety, panic etc.

And if you do feel overwhelmed or are really concerned about where your thoughts are leading you, please call the BB helpline on 1300 22 4636.

Best wishes to you Tommy

Kaz

[White_Rose]

Dear Tommy

Hello and welcome to the forum. Thank you for trusting us with your story. As Kaz says, it's a difficult thing to do for many people.

Panic attacks are truly dreadful. I have had many and can empathize with your distress. I had no idea what to do at first, (apart from crying and wanting to run away). It seems you would benefit from a visit to your GP and a referral to a psychiatrist. In general I would rather see a psychologist but I think you need a complete diagnosis. Feeling 'out of it' feeling numb and thinking about hurting yourself and others, even though you would not and have not done any of these things, can be part of depression, but an in-depth diagnosis would put it all together for you.

Once you know exactly where you are (no joke intended) you can go to a psychologist for therapy. I think they are better at listening and talking than psychiatrists. If you need medication the psychiatrist can prescribe for you and your GP can take over, or you can see the psychiatrist every six months or so. Your depression has cropped up several times in your life and I expect you have struggled through it. Much better to get the whole picture and find a complete solution.

I know what you mean about being changed. Like you, I had depression many years ago which was severe. I did get better but four years ago I was severely bullied and it brought back all the old depression. I think I did not deal with whole picture then and now I am almost starting again.

Part of the change in my life gave me insight into mental illness in general and depression in particular. I could have done without that but we cannot choose our experience. But I do see the world differently and it's not only because I have become older. Small things are no longer the big deal as you say. I am more tolerant of people in general and I have stopped to smell the roses. There is little yearning after things I haven't got but I realise I don't need them, (except chocolate). As you so well phrased it, an awakening.

There are a number of helplines and people who can help you in a hurry. BB is one place, Also Lifeline 13 11 14 and the Suicide Call Back service 1300 659 467, https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ No, I'm not suggesting you about to harm yourself. This is also an emergency counseling service for whatever problem you have. They are great people there. All these services are on call 24/7.

Talking things over does help, so please continue to write in here.

Mary