Help please 🙏

[Georgiesad]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I don’t actually know what I need or what is wrong with me. 

I married a man I love so much, however I suspect that my issues with self esteem, self love started long before I got married. 

This man and his family controlled every aspect of my life for the first 3 years of marriage. I was working 2 jobs, not allowed to see my family, never saw a pay check and if I even questioned was yelled at, called names. I was put down about how much I earned, and my weight but still I stayed. It really killed my self esteem. 

I fell pregnant in 2017 which was a surprise and my husband tried to convince me to have an abortion which I just could not do. My first trimester was hell. Once born forming attachment was horrible and I was constantly judged on my parenting. I believe I developed bad depression here. After this everything went numb. I don’t really remember time after this. 

I worked like crazy… my attachment with bubs kept dropping off and I kept trying to please. 

my partner and I finally had a breakthrough in 2021. In 2022 I was diagnosed with infertility and needed 3 rounds of IVF to fall pregnant with our now son. After many miscarriages a requirement to have chemo after one of them I was pregnant.  My pregnancy was horribly traumatic.. I was diagnosed with complete stage 4 placenta previa and spent most of my time in and out of hospital. I delivered baby through emergency C-section at 33 weeks and spent many weeks in special care nursery. 

baby had issues with breastfeeding and reflux which resulted in extended use of a gastric nasal tube and full formula feeding which made me feel so inadequate as a mother. The one thing I wanted to be more than anything in the world. After this pregnant I was told no more at all. 

my maternity leave is now finishing and I feel like this whole chapter of my life is over, like it was stolen from me. 

I feel resentment, anger, irritable, sad, lonely, bitter, hate 

There are times I think about being gone but it’s just thoughts. 

the reason for the long story is that I just feel like everything is so messed up that I don’t even know where to start. 

I feel like I can’t change anything so how do these feelings go away? I feel like the only way I can do this is to accept what I can’t change and move on but I just can’t do it. I am so easily triggered and feel like I’m just broken. I suffer badly from panic attacks and bouts of episode where I struggle to breathe 

what do you do in this situation? I’m so lost. 

[smallwolf]

You are so strong for sharing your story. It sounds like you've been through an incredibly difficult time, and it's completely understandable that you're feeling lost and overwhelmed by all these emotions. You're not broken. You're a survivor.

Firstly, it's okay to not know where to start. Healing is a journey, and taking the first step, like reaching out here, is a huge accomplishment.

From my own story, I know that I can't change the past, as much as I sometimes wish that I could! So... all that we can do is to move on from the present. And that you have made it this far shows that you have the strength to build a life where you feel safe, loved, and respected.

Please know that you matter, and there is help available.

I don't know what sort of support network you have, or family who you _can_ speak to, or whether you feel that you need professional help?

You don't have to figure this out alone. You deserve support and being able to work out a way to process your experiences and develop coping mechanisms for how you are feeling.

And maybe here is a good starting point? And as you tell more of your story you might find a way (a path?) towards getting the support I mentioned above.

Listening...

PS. My wife had problems breastfeeding one of our children (many years ago). I could tell her that it does not her bad, incapable or whatever words you want to use, and this was always hard to believe (for her). But I also know that she would not have been the first in that position, nor the last. The love between parent/child is not diminished.  Please know that.

[therising]

Hi Georgiesad

When I read your post, I felt so much pain and sadness and wanted so much to give you a hug, while wishing I could sit with you. What you've been through so far is just heartbreaking. No wonder you feel heartbroken.

As a mum to a 21yo gal and almost 19yo guy, I'd love to be able to go back in time and visit my younger self who had them as babies. For a start, I'd have a go at just about everyone around my younger self, when it comes to a lot of the depressing comments they made and actions they took. Btw, not sure whether the Breastfeeding Association still has the mantra 'Breast is best'. If they do, my response to that would be 'Breast is best is bull****'. While not being able to successfully breastfeed both my babies, I suffered horribly through that mantra. What's best is a mother's mental health while her baby puts on weight through nutritious feeding. Breast or good quality formula, it doesn't matter. I wasted so much time trying to breastfeed instead of bonding with my babies. There should be good bonding strategies suggested by the Breastfeeding Association, for mums who can't bond through breastfeeding for one reason or another. And when it came to the almost soul destroying pain of experiencing 2 first trimester miscarriages between my first and second child, what I'd say to those who told my younger self 'You should be over it by now' cannot be put into words here, without being censored. My younger self suffered through the thought 'What's wrong with me? Why can't I manage to move on?'. The truth is it can take a lot of strategy and support to move through that kind of grief.

With your words 'I feel resentment, anger, irritable, sad, lonely, bitter, hate', they're such powerful and telling emotions. It's completely understandable why you'd be feeling them. All emotions have something to tell us. I can't help but wonder whether these emotions are announcing a new part of you beginning to come to life. Personally, I'm a great believer in people coming to life bit by bit. It's like how 'the people pleaser' in us comes to life through instruction and practice ('Don't upset people', 'Do as you're told', 'Don't rock the boat' etc). The mum in us comes to life when our baby is born, the adventurer when we practice adding ventures to life, the emotional eater/drinker/retail therapy shopper when we're looking for a sense of joy or satisfaction and the list goes on. There is a part of myself who I lovingly refer to as 'the intolerant cow' in me. I truly love her because she is the most upstanding part of myself. Born out of anger, irritability, sadness, loneliness, bitterness, hatred and resentment, she is strong, fierce and a fiery part of my nature. This is the opposing nature to 'the people pleaser' in me. Took me decades to work out that this is not a part of myself to be suppressed but a part that is meant to come to life and be managed. Strong emphasis is put on the management part, otherwise it can be highly destructive in nature, regrettably burning bridges left, right and centre. With inner dialogue between yourself, the people pleaser in you and your intolerant cow (if that's what you choose to call it), it could sound like 

You: I really want to visit my mum

PP: He'll get upset. Don't upset him (your husband)

IC: To hell with him. You need to see your mum and there's no 2 ways about it. You need help. You can't keep doing this on your own, it's becoming too depressing and too stressful 

PP: What are you going to say to him, so as not to upset him

IC: You don't need his permission, just go and see her. She may just have the answers you're looking for

While the people pleaser in us can lead us to fear, there are other parts of us that can lead us to a sense of liberation and progress. Such parts can also lead us to the guides we need, the kind of people who are going to take us in a different direction, one that does not constantly lead to disappointment and heartbreak.❤️