Hello

[Dwn2lonG]

Dont know if anyone will read this,im not sure how this works.beyond blue is a lst resort for me. I have severe bordefline personality disorder and ive made life hell for the ones i love most for to long.

I'm embarrassed to be typing, admitting this even in anonymity, so professional help would be a stretch even though I know i need it.

I havent had any friends or social life for a long time as i feel awkward and not normal around people in social settings and i have a long term gf who must be the strongest person i know, but has copped hell from me for what others would see as insignificant day to day occurrences,that i see as proof she doesn't care, or she always has an alterior motive as she couldn't possibly love someone as worthless as me.

I don't know what I'm expecting from this, but i have to try something cause I'm gonna lose everything if i keep going, but i can't control my emotions, i always think the worst and always expect her to understand what I'm feeling and getting angry when she can't. I hate myself so much it's unfathomable, mainly for ruining their lives and that adds more guilt that just multiplys, becomes anxiety and frustration and anger all within my own head, sometimes i get close to feeling normal briefly, but lately thats far between.it used to be the opposite, i would feel depressed or anxious or sad or restless and the rest, every so often but mainly happy..now i forget what happy feels like.

I'm scared that this numbness i feel after this last episode won't go away..i can't feel anything right now..i need to talk with someone who can relate , cause i dont think theres any ex bpd sufferers other than dead ones. I mean I'd like to hear from someone who's been there and found a way out, but i doubt there is a cure for this

[Dwn2lonG]

Im probably not in the right section and im sorry, i havent even scratched the surface yet and some help would be life saving.im sick of being in street fights, im sick of road raging im sick of hurting myself and others im sick of feeling so worthless and bored with everything and not being able to stop feeling like this even when i recognise that it is most likely my own head making things worse

[Sophie_M]

Dear Dwn2lonG,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
 






 

[geoff]

Hello Dwn2lonG, thanks for being so brave to post your comment.

I appreciate how you are feeling, but your girlfriend may be worried about what you might do and scared she can't make you realise that you do help, one minute at the back of your mind you know what's she is saying, but still believe you can overcome all of this by yourself, unfortunately, some people also believe they can cure their own type of depression on their own, the trouble is you go around and around in circles, not being able to address the main problems, only because it seems to be scary to concentrate on those issues that have to be focused on.

Your first reaction you believe that is going to help you is by street fighting, road rage and hurting yourself is only going to do the complete opposite and draw your relationship further apart, and please I'm by no way criticising you, just commenting on your post.

You love the people you want to and that's a great base to start because if you have BPD then medication could certainly reduce, if not stop what you have been doing, but this means visiting your GP who may also suggest counselling with a psychologist, using the mental health plan, this entitles you 6 to 10 Medicare paid sessions per year.

We hope you can come back to us so this can continue.

Geoff.