Hello everyone - I'm grieving a loss so I'm looking to connect with others who have especially

[Hackergirl101]

I chose to join this forum because I lost my dad 7 weeks ago today. I feel immense guilt, regret and incompetence because things didn't end well and it feels as though I had no control - despite being the one person who was left with the responsibility of making those decisions.

I have a mum (dad's wife - separated for 15yrs) who was very supportive and had tried her best to help with dad's care, and a sister who is estranged from the family who had never lifted a finger to help. So it's basically just been me and mum.

Dad was in care and HATED it. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want him in there but he was high care. I'm in my 20's so I'm well and truly an adult, yet I feel as though I was completely unable to make good decisions for dad. I tried looking around, blue care, yellow bridge, home instead. But again, being left responsible for all of this myself, despite mum doing what she can, I was unable to change things. It was a huge burden and I felt completely incompetent.

I feel like a failure because dad died. The doctor told me he might die and I thought he was just talking about his current infection. Then a week later, the nurse said his infection was getting better, so I thought it was all fine. But the doctor was talking about dad's general health. Why are doctors so vague? I feel lied to and robbed. Doctors should tell things straight. I could have had him in hospital. Because it was left to me, because I had no idea what I was doing, dad is gone.

[Sophie_M]

 
Hi Hackergirl101

We are so deeply sorry for your loss. We are glad that you have found us here during what sounds like an incredibly difficult time. While we don’t always have the answers, we are here to sit with you and provide support.
 
Going through grief is one of the most challenging and emotionally exhausting things we do as humans. Feelings of guilt can be really common when we are grieving. In fact, a whole range of emotions can be brought out by grief – Sadness, regret, guilt, anger, frustration – all of it is valid.

Grief has no set pattern, and everyone experiences grief in different ways. It’s also important that you take care of yourself and reach out to others.   
 
You can call our counsellors at any time, on 1300 22 4636. They can help you talk this through and will also be able to help you plan what's next so that you have that support in place. We'd also recommend talking to Griefline, on 1300 845 745 (6am to midnight AEST every day): https://griefline.org.au/  

The forums are a safe and supportive space, so we want to thank you for sharing here.   

Kind regards,   
Sophie M 
 

[tranzcrybe]

The first thing to remember is that you are not responsible for your dad's passing.
We are at the mercy of care professionals who often lack the etiquette to express themselves beyond 'matter of fact' when it comes to the aged. They probably think this is showing sensitivity - and I'm sure some people just don't want to know - but carers really need clarity (even if hard to take) so we can act in their best interests. Alas, this falls onto the carer to probe with specific questions.
Truth is, this is a game we all have to lose and it's usually a case of when rather than if.
In my case, I was fortunate to receive a referral from the oncologist to palliative care and they seemed to have a clear understanding of their role in navigating this transition; whereas, as carers, we tend to seek cure and/or prolong the living in the hope of recovery - it's human nature, after all.
The best thing I took away from it all was that I, like yourself, ensured he was not alone or abandoned and that amounts to a lot more than you might realise - for your father, but also for yourself as you come to some acceptance.

Yes, you could have sent him to hospital, but usually it is just their time to depart and the body makes its own arrangements regardless.
If you can approach a grief counsellor, this might help you work through the emotional extremes and hopefully discover an appreciation of this quite special time to be a part of. I know it sounds difficult to believe right now, but you have gained more than your avoidant sister and will carry the memories from your experience, ideally with some fond recollection, in the fullness of time.

[indigo22]

Hi Hackergirl101,

Welcome, thank you for reaching out to us. I am so sorry for your loss, I understand the despair you are feeling as I am all too familiar with the grieving process. I too, have been the sole responsible person for the decisions of someone in my care and it is not easy at any age. To have to make those decisions at 20, which is considered an adult, but without having life experience to support your decisions, is a big ask. But the truth is, you were not the only person responsible for your father's care, if the staff at the care home he was at, felt it was in his best interest to be in the hospital, they would have had that conversation with you. Doctor's don't always share enough information, you are right about that, but I am guessing that he thought you understood the situation. It's so hard losing a parent in particular, the bonds are so deep which makes it even harder to let them go. You did everything you knew how to do for your dad, and supported him at a time when he most needed you, so you have nothing to feel guilty for. It will be hard for a while but there will come a time when the heartache begins to subside and in a long while from now, you will be able to think of him and smile instead of cry, I know this from experience. In the meantime, it would be helpful to talk to the help line when you are not coping and look at perhaps getting some grief counselling, even in a group, so you have some support during this difficult time. Continuing to reach out on the forum will also help. So many of us have been through what you are going through, you are not alone, we will be here for you.

indigo22