Hello all, I'm new here, although, I am not new to the scourge that it depression and anxiety.
I completed 22 years in the Australian Army and was diagnosed with depression in 2006. I attempted a variety of treatments within the ADF, and dealt with it the best way I could for the final eight years of my career. In the end (2014), it became all too much and I left of my own volition. I accept that things have improved within Defence over the past few years - but my experience was traumatic. I have never felt so small or unwanted in my life. On many occasions, I was forced to bury what I was feeling in order to 'fit in'. It angers me when Defence officials state that they are doing 'all they can' in the treatment of mental illness within Defence. It might be a priority to the senior leadership group, but there is a significant stigma still attached at unit level.
Things spiralled out of control when I left the Army. Although I appeared calm on the outside, I was at war with myself internally. Several times I considered ending it all. In the past, these thoughts frightened me, but during these occasions, suicide seemed a perfectly valid option. It was time to seek help.
After a couple of false starts, I luckily stumbled upon one of the most caring people I have ever met. He assessed and diagnosed me with PTSD. The world changed for me (that was a year ago). I see this man twice a week and while I have a long way to go, I am in a better place.
I am married and have two daughters. My wife and daughters are my rock and my reason for existing. Their love and patience has forced me to try and improve my lot in life.
I was directionless when I left the ADF. I was angry and bitter - my long service wasn't acknowledged and the regular platitudes not issued. I know now that false praise is unnecessary and that I don't need it in my life. Photography has become my saviour. If I don't shoot for a while, I become quite depressed, but my soul is lifted after a day of shooting. I focus on the process - in fact, I become mindful when shooting a scene and I have found that I have improved dramatically. So much so, that, maybe there is another career in the offering.
I come to Beyond Blue with the hope that I can help people. Perhaps people can find solace in art, and perhaps in creating something beautiful, find hope within themselves.
Thanks for reading.
Mick.
