Hello all - I'm new here... Not new to the 'Black Dog'.

[Mick_G]

Hello all, I'm new here, although, I am not new to the scourge that it depression and anxiety.

I completed 22 years in the Australian Army and was diagnosed with depression in 2006.  I attempted a variety of treatments within the ADF, and dealt with it the best way I could for the final eight years of my career.  In the end (2014), it became all too much and I left of my own volition.  I accept that things have improved within Defence over the past few years - but my experience was traumatic.  I have never felt so small or unwanted in my life.  On many occasions, I was forced to bury what I was feeling in order to 'fit in'.  It angers me when Defence officials state that they are doing 'all they can' in the treatment of mental illness within Defence.  It might be a priority to the senior leadership group, but there is a significant stigma still attached at unit level. 

Things spiralled out of control when I left the Army.  Although I appeared calm on the outside, I was at war with myself internally.  Several times I considered ending it all.  In the past, these thoughts frightened me, but during these occasions, suicide seemed a perfectly valid option.  It was time to seek help.

After a couple of false starts, I luckily stumbled upon one of the most caring people I have ever met.  He assessed and diagnosed me with PTSD.  The world changed for me (that was a year ago).  I see this man twice a week and while I have a long way to go, I am in a better place.

I am married and have two daughters.  My wife and daughters are my rock and my reason for existing.  Their love and patience has forced me to try and improve my lot in life. 

I was directionless when I left the ADF.  I was angry and bitter - my long service wasn't acknowledged and the regular platitudes not issued.  I know now that false praise is unnecessary and that I don't need it in my life.  Photography has become my saviour.  If I don't shoot for a while, I become quite depressed, but my soul is lifted after a day of shooting.  I focus on the process - in fact, I become mindful when shooting a scene and I have found that I have improved dramatically.  So much so, that, maybe there is another career in the offering.

I come to Beyond Blue with the hope that I can help people.  Perhaps people can find solace in art, and perhaps in creating something beautiful, find hope within themselves.

Thanks for reading.

Mick.

[Gruffudd]

Hi Mick,

Glad you found your way to beyond blue. I can relate to that directionless feeling you had leaving the army. I felt a little of that leaving behind Child Protection work. There was trauma in doing the job and nothing on leaving. Great to hear of Photography and I'd love to hear more about that and of course those special things about your family that make life good for you. 

All the best now.

Rob.

[Kazzl]

Hi Mick, welcome to the forum, it's a pleasure to meet you. First, may I say thank you for your service to our country. I greatly admire our Defence personnel but know it can be a tough life. I'm in Canberra and know a few people in the department or the services. I'm also aware of the recent Defence abuse taskforce and have an inkling of how difficult life can be for some.

Thank you too for joining BB and wanting to help others. There are many people on the forum that could benefit from your experience. We have a number of people with PTSD, we also have some first responders who you might have things in common with if you saw active service, and many who have experienced bullying and stigma in the workplace. Please feel free to join in anywhere or start your own topics. There is also a Community Board for just having a bit of a chat about hobbies etc.

It's great you find peace and pleasure in your photography. My daughter does too, she has made some nice connections with others through Instagram and local meetups. 

I look forward to seeing you around the forum Mick.

Kaz

[Mick_G]

Hi Rob,

Thanks for the reply. 

I love photography, but sometimes I have to convince myself that I am actually good at it.  I tend to stay pretty safe and photograph landscapes and city architecture.  There is something about photographing running water that keeps me calm.  I would love to do more and as I said originally, would love for it to become a new career.  But, the demons kick in and I instantly begin to doubt myself.  The family know this, and get me out of the house as often as possible.

Anyway, I hope to see you 'round the traps.

Cheers,

Mick.

[Mick_G]

Hi Kaz,

Thanks for the advice.  To be honest, I'm a bit shy about discussing my condition - I suppose I had to deny it for so long, sometimes I need a bit of convincing that I still need help and still have PTSD.  I often have days where I regret the entire 22 years of service, and wonder if I could have spent my time better.

I hope to see you around the forum.

Regards,

Mick.

[Gruffudd]

Hi there Mick, 

Good on that family of yours, sounds like they support. The PTSD thing, I have had that diagnosis and I'm not sure it ever really goes away completely but I don't think it has to dominate life either. You know when you need help, and I think for me recognising and naming it as it comes up helps. One of those things with the PTSD for me is the self doubt, I am super fast at taking any criticism to heart, half a sentence will do. When I recognise that I can let go and be a bit kinder to myself. There is a trauma forum here, could be worth a read.

I love the idea of photographing water and that you might be able to capture the movement and life of it in a still image. It is the same with people, how alive they can look captured in an image. 

Rob.

[geoff]

dear Mick, and I see that you have joined BlueVoices and now Beyond Blue, that's great, and a credit for all your years of service, but I can understand how you could be suffering from PTSD as I'm sure this is a large problem when leaving the force.
I have an elderly person who idiolises photography and goes away for a few days to take pictures that truly exhilarate exactly what he wants, that's his way of relaxing, and he knows that the scene is just perfect, where his photos turn out to be what he wanted or as he says 'perfect', and if there're not only makes him want to take the picture of his dreams, but when he does it only makes him want to do better.
I love to watch the beauty of a water-fall, because it looks so gracious and perfect but if it does begin to make you feel as though you are 'falling back-wards' where the demons kick in, then it's time to leave the site, because beauty is beauty and beauty isn't feeling depressed, because if it does make you depressed, then you haven't been able to cope with your depression, but you have a lovely family who can read you and do everything they can to help you.
Your participation on the site will be well accepted and look forward to reading your comments. Geoff.

[Mick_G]

Hey Rob.

I get that the PTSD thing doesn't have to dominate my life, but I guess I'm still getting used to the fact that I have been diagnosed with it.  Some of the work I have been doing with my psychologist has unlocked a few doors - things that I had neatly tucked away and have now come back to haunt me.

My wife showed me a short video of a few kids having their portraits taken - complete with toys, or a cake... etc.  She says to me "you could do that"...  I will admit to having an interest in portraiture, but it's the people that I lack trust in.  After all, it was people who I can attribute to my current condition - not only people who tried to kill me on several occasions, but the whole sorry situation of what people can do to other people. Finally, people who I would have expected to have my back (my alleged brothers and sisters in arms), finally revealed to me that they had simply been tolerating me all along.. I'm not sure what hurt more.

For the moment, I'm going to stick to safe things, like buildings and landscapes. 

[Mick_G]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your post.  PTSD for me was only diagnosed a year after leaving - I have been suffering ever since I returned from Afghanistan in 2005 - it simply wasn't diagnosed until recently.  My psychologist has since unlocked a few doors, and some things that I have had tucked away have returned to haunt me, but I guess it's all part of the process. 

Photography is a way of achieving mindfulness for me.  When I'm shooting, it's just me, the camera and the scene - there is nothing else.  I walk, I compose, I shoot and I walk some more.  Before I know it, several hours have passed and I am more peaceful that when I started.

I look forward to helping where I can and sharing my experiences.

Regards, Mick.

[150lashes]

Hey Mick 

Thanks for sharing and welcome. I'm new here myself!

Our stories may be different but the way we seek solace is similar.

I too enjoy photography and find it helps me relax, and for a short period there is a reprieve from everything else going on in my mind.

Best of luck ​on your journey to recovery!

Cheers 🍻