Having trouble to keep on going, I’ve fallen behind and can’t catch up

Timhamz · ‎10-10-2019

Hey my name is tim I’m a 40 year old male from Perth. This is my first time reaching out on here. I separated from my wife about 20 months ago. We have 3 beautiful kids and a mortgage that we once shared. I have found a new partner who is amazing and supportive. Since I separated from my wife I’ve had a really hard time keeping up with life. I’ve found it hard to hold down a job and hence have fallen way behind on credit card repayments, bills and even my mortgage. I’ve developed huge social anxieties, to the point where I can’t even reach out to financial services that I owe money to, to ask for help. I am afraid I’ll lose the house I built for my family. My current partner is supportive and hard working and I feel I’m not living up to my side of the deal. I was in a lot of debt when we first got together and now I’ve fallen way behind. I have several default notices but I can’t bring myself to get these sorted out. I can’t make a simple phone call. I can’t ask for help. I feel I’ve let every one down and I’m not worthy of the love I receive from family and friends. Are there any others out there that have experienced the same situation? I’ve heard that there tends to be a cycle that makes go through after a divorce. I’m having a hard time breaking the cycle and moving onto the next stage of my life.

smallwolf · ‎10-10-2019

Hi,

Welcome to beyond blue.

I cannot say that I have had a similar experience to you, but I can listen and some of what you have said I am familiar with in other people in my circles.

I also know from my own experience that depression and anxiety can make us think the worst of ourselves as you have said about yourself as being undeserving. I can understand that you would be worried about your financial situation given everything that has happened to you. Perhaps a fear of the unknown or thinking the worst things that could happen. That is how my mind works anyway.

Not sure if you know about the national debt helpline who can give you free advice about your debts. The good thing here they don't have any investment in getting money from you.

I have responded to only a few people here about financial matters, but you are not the first and will not be the last. There are ways forward, whether dealing with anxiety or money or both. And I will listen to you.

Tim

Desedrata · ‎11-10-2019

Hello,

I use to have and still occasionally get anxiety when getting/recieving phone calls and have trouble when payments go awry. The companies you are dealing with may have e-mail addresses in which you can contact them either on the bills or their website. You may be able to send them an e-mail apologising and explaining your circumstances and your willingness to communicate via the e-mails about organising a new payment plan until your situation improves.

Steinbeck · ‎11-11-2019

Hi Tim,

I kind of understand how you feel. I have a business that falls short at the moment and have mounting bills and feel like I'm failing. The anxiety and depression just help the spiral down. And I have been divorced in the past and left with a mortgage and three kids so get those feelings! And I am afraid we'll lose the house and it will be my fault.

Although, I do have some good moments where I decide to take control and have found that the outcomes have lifted me a bit. For example, last week I had to force myself to phone up about a few bills. Something I absolutely loath and have never done, I'm with you on that one, and would rather email but the option wasn't there. I told myself that it is a person on the other end of the phone who is just doing a job, and could really be in a similar situation. It is amazing how good it feels to just ask for an extension or payment plan and then hang up. Done! I never imagined these companies could be so nice and helpful and understanding. In my head, everyone was out to get me and help me fail. It was a very rare day for me, took about a week to build up to it though.

It doesn't mean that all is good again but it's breathing space and a chance to have some days of relief from what goes on in my head. And I feel a bit more in control of my life, for a few minutes anyway.

I didn't mean to make this sound a bit all about me, sorry.

Its hard feeling all embarassed and sad about where life has left you. Hopefully some good little things will add up to some bigger better things. It's lovely to hear that you have a supportive partner. Please be 100% honest with her, sharing definitely relieves the pressure of carrying it all in your head. And you can share more good times if you know she knows instead of sitting there holding in all that anxiety.

If you can't bare to talk to anyone about planning your finances, The Barefoot Investor is a great read. Even if you read it and just make summary notes for some time way in the future you may feel like you are taking some control.

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