I don't know where to start, after 40 years of depression and anxiety, PTSD, mental and physical abuse the loss of my husband and son from suicide and a drug overdose, the loss of my mother and 2 uncles this year, chronic autoimmune syndrome, a totally dysfunctional family, I could write a book and no one would believe it. A thought popped into my head about 2 weeks ago, I have a choice! So simple right? So complex. I have decided to be selfish, I am going to stop having people around me that don't understand me, that won't let me be who I am, stop the people who keep trying to "help me" by organising my life. My garden is my quiet place, I don't like people but am really OK with my own company. I might be quite weird to some but I have survived! I realised it doesn't matter what people/family think of me. Thankyou to Beyond Blue for all those times I've rung you and thought I was way past helping. Yes it's a daily process for me, one day at a time but at least these are my choices, if I need a day in bed, it's ok, if I don't want to go out, it's ok,if I don't want to answer my phone, I don't. For the rest of my life, I choose me! The realisation that there is no right or wrong with my life as long as it's not hurting anybody else is mind blowingly liberating! Yes, I will still go up and down, yes I will always need medication, I will always need a third person to help me through my bad days but they are all my choices. I have never written any of this down, thanks so much for letting me finally share what travels through my head everyday at a million miles an hour and some days a little bit slower
