First timer

[LyndyLou]

Hi there I have never done an online forum before so not sure what to write other than it’s been a pretty tough time of late difficult bout of depression on and off meds starting new meds what a roller coaster ride and I just want to feel and function normally again, not feel less than and not feel angry all the time when I really have nothing to be angry about but I am I feel it like it’s crawling under my skin, my mask has been slipping at work they are wondering what is going on with this woman who is usually the bright bubbly one, the one who notices when others aren’t doing so great and will reach out with care and bring laughter but at home when the mask is off there’s the other me the one whose tired physically and emotionally in pain and angry really really angry for being so weak and not being able to control these emotions as they take over my life and my relationship With my husband who only try’s to help but the one thing I can control is holding on to that anger and keeping my walls up and not letting him in ... see I’m angry at him because 18months ago he had a major breakdown and was contemplating suicide, he had the plan, this grown man blubbering on the shower floor and me trying to coax him to get up and trying to hold it all together, he ended up in hospital and is doing much better now stable on his medication and now all I am doing is being resentful to him and being scared I am going to be like him a puddle of mess on the floor in the shower not being able to function not being able to go to work not being able to keep my mask on I just feel so much anger it exhumes my whole being yet the the external world sees the other LyndyLou the one who tough it out and has the infectious smile if only they knew what I was really like the real me the angry resentful one the one who can be so cruel to her husband ... as I am writing this I am scared of what I am going to get back but I’m being honest I’m tired of wearing my mask all the time, I’m tired of trying to eat right, excercise daily, drink less, sleep right, trying to find the combination that works and feeling such a failure fir not being able to manage my life without medication l lasted two weeks noT on medication before I fell in the puddle and I so hate that feeling of failure if feeling less than and so the roller coaster continues day in day out I have forgotten how to feel normal naturally I can’t remember when I actually was there are moments of pure joy but they don’t last 😢

[Sophie_M]

Dear LyndyLou,

Welcome and thank you for sharing your story. We are so sorry to hear that things have been so difficult for you and it takes a strong person to acknowledge and reflect on these hard times. We are really grateful that you had the courage to reach out to the forums this evening as we know this can be difficult to do for the first time.

It sounds like things are especially difficult for you at this time. We want you to know that you are valuable and you have not failed, and we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. We would encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums. Feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey.

[white knight]

Hi. welcome

I’m glad you wrote in.

imo this is a classic case of needing more psychiatric consultations. You don’t mention if you are getting any at the moment.

Once diagnosed with a mental illness medication should not be stopped without Doctors approval. Some patients go on and off them and all that leads to is instability

Another advantage of psych visits as was in my case, is additional diagnosis. Eg I had depression then diagnosed with bipolar the dysthymia which required additional medication and boy, what a difference to my moods.!!

Considering you and your husbands history with instability and breakdowns can I suggest family counseling only because for preventative measures. My wife and I both have issues with depression etc and we are ok when one of us is strong. When both of us is low we have troubles as we both need support and it isn’t there. That can lead to the resentment of which you mention.

Finally- employment. Part time work if affordable is better than full time even two of three part time jobs. Shorter periods at work trying to tolerate personalities

What do you think of these strategies?

TonyWK

[leesy_lou]

Hi LyndyLou, welcome to the forum!

You sounds like you are being so strong against everything that is happening right now, and I commend you for speaking so honestly and open, this is the best place for these kinds of conversations.

Also thank-you for opening up about how things have been for you, I can imagine it would be extremely exhausting feeling anger all the time, and not being able to manage your emotions the way you have in the past. Anger can be a really power emotion that can surface as a result of other emotions sitting under the surface. You might find some insight into this by simply googling the "anger iceberg".

One thing you mentioned is that you are scared of what we might say to you, and I want to reassure you that this is a safe and anoyomous space to seek support and work things that might be playing on your mind. I did however have a friend just yesterday say something similar to me. I told her to go to the doctors as she was feeling short of breath (irrelevant but anyways). She said she didn't want to go to the doctor because she was scared of what she would find out, that they would say she smokes and drinks a lot and then she would have to cut down. Obviously different context but I'm wondering if this fear of what you might hear back from the forum could be something you are already holding within?

hoping you find your spark soon, hear in the meantime ❤️

[boobi]

Hey LyndyLou 🙂

I’m also new here so I hope I’m doing this right. I don’t want to make this about me, but I can relate just a little bit. I also feel like I am wearing a mask. Like you’d said everybody sees that bubbly, happy side of you and you never get to feel vulnerable. Always thinking you have to be the strong one. I’m sorry to say I don’t know the solution, but I think you’ll have to find an outlet somewhere. You’ve probably heard this countless times, but bottling up emotions really doesn’t help (I should take this advice hahaha).
I guess the question is who do you go to?

oooh also, you mentioned the feeling of failure. I think that trying to keep it together 100% of the time is impossible and it’s okay to be tired of trying.I just hope you have people who have your back when it gets rough like this.

ps. I don’t think you should be ashamed of relying on medication.

good luck 💚