First post, increased worry and helplessness

[KikiG]

1.  Hello this is my first post and I'm not really sure what I'm doing but thought writing might help. 
2. I'm 47, married with 2 adult children who have both moved back home in the last 12 months due to relationship breakdowns. They both suffer mental illness, both smoke cannabis and drink, and neither work. I worry so much about them as well as my elderly mum, for whom I am carer. I find myself laying awake, listening through the night for crying or other sounds of distress. When I first wake up my heart starts racing and again, I listen to who's up and what mood they're in. I take on their problems and feelings like they're my own, crying when I'm alone but smiling when they're around so they don't know and to keep their moods high. I'm exhausted. My husband worries for me, and tells me if I don't stop I'll die from worry. I find myself dreading going home, dreading going to my mum's (she lives in a retirement village) and without any real place of rest and solitude. I love them all so much and can't bear the thought of any one in distress and want to make everything ok for them. I worry if I don't they will think I don't care. That they'll then harm themselves or something. It's unbearable. 
3. I want to know how to switch off from it all. I suffer terrible stomach pains, shoulder and neck pain and have chronic health conditions myself that I am neglecting. I often make Drs appointments for myself that I end up cancelling because someone else's problems become more important, or in the kids cases I give them my appointment because our family Dr is hard to get into spontaneously. 
4. I'm so tired. 

[Guest_90159135]

Hi KikiG,

New here too and saw your post and just wanted to say hi, and I see you.

Very different circumstances but I am feeling a lot of the same feelings, and I am just exhausted. Guessing a lot of us are here because we feel alone and unable to express these things to anyone close, so I see you and I hear you. I have no advice as I am in the thick of it myself but you aren't alone and people, even strangers, care. Always. Please keep hope. 🙏

[therising]

Hi KikiG

I think one of the toughest things to do sometimes is lead by example. It can be so tough for so many varied reasons. I've found just a handful to be

1. The people pleaser in me won't let me do it on occasion. While the sage in me can be insisting 'You have got to put yourself first or you're going to continue suffering, especially through a depressing lack of joy' (leading through examples of self love/self service), the people pleaser in me can be pretty much screaming 'YOU CAN'T DO THAT! THAT JUST MAKES YOU A HORRIBLE PERSON' or maybe that's the saboteur in me. So, inner dialogue can make it impossible at times
2. It can be incredibly hard to know how to manage certain challenges, especially first time challenges (where there can be little experience to draw from or reference). I've always struggled with self discipline, for example. I've never really challenged myself in developing it in really regimented ways. So, how can I teach and lead through what I've failed to master, to my 19yo son and 21yo daughter?
3. A lack of vision as a leader can be another challenge. When it's easy to see the way forward (through our imagination), no probs. When it's a completely blank screen, that's a whole other issue. When I can't see a damn thing in regard to the way forward, how the heck am I meant to lead anyone, let alone myself?
4. Being a major feeler or 'sensitive' (someone who's able to easily sense what they feel) can also make things challenging. This one becomes about how to emotionally detach or turn the volume down on feeling/sensing, so as to lead through pure analysis or logic. To switch off from feeling compassion and empathy for our kids for long enough to able to analyse the hell out of a hellish situation can enable a heaven on earth type of solution at times. A bit of research on 'The challenges of being an empath' can go a long way in some cases

Just a handful of reasons for why things can feel so impossible.

If your kids are anything like their mum, I imagine the reason they smoke and drink is so as not to feel so much. As a gal who's an ex drinker, it definitely dulls the senses. The problem though is you can't feel your challenges, so how can you hope to develop through what you can't feel? I've found all feelings to be telling. Depression will be telling us there's something depressing going on and something's got to change. Anxiety will be telling us there's something stressful and overwhelming for our nervous system going on and something's got to change. A sense of joy tells us we can feel what's joyful. The list goes on, when it comes to what kind of energy is in motion (that we're dealing with).

[Happylife]

Hello KikiG,

Reaching out and hoping you are feeling better than before.

Please look after yourself first, your mental and physical health are as important as others.

Listening...

Take care

Happylife