First post, feeling worn down.

012DnR · ‎31-10-2017

I am feeling unsure of myself with indecision and little self confidence being my daily companions. I have suffered betrayal, loss and major changes and they have taken their toll. The last few years have been a mammoth struggle just to survive. At times I coped and reacted poorly, which added extra time to my sentence of recovery and rebuilding my life - myself - is a work in progress. I am exhausted and weary and now I need recovery companions. People who know exactly what it is to be here where I am and perhaps I will be able to use a little of my own experience to help someone else.

white knight · ‎31-10-2017

Hi 12, welcome

We are a friendly bunch here more than willing to use our experiences to help out.

When you feel right mention any diagnosis and your drtails if your life, kids, lifestyle etc.

In the meantime you mentioned betrayal. So here is a few threads pertaining to that.

Use google

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Topic: worry worry worry- beyondblue

Happy reading.

Tony WK

jc2000 · ‎31-10-2017

Hi 012DnR,

I understand where you have been, and am also trying to make my way through some sort of recovery. I've also experienced loss and betrayal and difficult changes, and even though they may have happened a while ago, i'm still fighting to get through it. I don't have much experience helping people or fixing whatever hard times people are going through, but I'm happy to be a supporting hand? Someone to talk to?

Over the past few days I've found this platform to be very supportive and welcoming, and I hope that you do to.

If you're wanting someone to share your thoughts with, I'm all ears to listen.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Julia

012DnR · ‎31-10-2017

Thank you for your replies and encouragement. I was married for 31 years to a man I adored. We have 6 kids, mostly grown up. My ex husband is domineering which I coped quite well with until he experienced a trauma which lead to PTSD. His behavour became destructive and eventually abusive. He believed that it wasn't he who was not well and refused to continue with his treatments. I stayed for years after because I just wanted him to be well again. He directed his depression, paranoia and anger at me and anyone and anything that was dear to me. I was shattered because it wasn't me who hurt him, I loved him and just wanted him to be well again. After several years of waiting, and on the advice of his doctor and psychologist and my own health supports not to continue to tolerated behaviours that were not due to PTSD, I began to challenge his behaviours. This sadly didn't result in him choosing to treat me nicer, it all went the other way. He behaved even worse. I was devastated when it became unsafe for me to stay. My biggest mistake was keeping the abuse, neglect and cruelty from our loved ones. By the time I left our two eldest kids (and few other relatives) wouldn't believe that dad could do these things. The four younger ones know some and they know that I was devastated when I left. As a result of his mental illness, followed by my own my cherished family is in tatters. All this and the deaths of my brother and my mum I do feel at times as though I have nothing of value to give to anyone else. I do have some high spots. I have a nice man who has stayed by my side for a couple of years now and I would dearly love to be able to feel joy, excitement and genuine happiness.

jc2000 · ‎31-10-2017

Hi 012DnR,

wow. What you've been put through is extremely unfair, and I'm so sorry that you had been put into that situation. Unfortunately I have no experience with raising a family (I'm only 17) so I don't have much advice there, but what I can recommend is that you keep this nice man that has stayed by your side for a couple of years around for as long as you can. If he's bringing you joy and happiness and cares for you, you should focus on that.

As for your two eldest kids and few relatives that struggle to comprehend that your ex husband could do what he did to you, you could perhaps try again to explain what he's done, and how he's acted, if you're getting treated by a psych maybe taking them to the psych to have them explain could help. they may only be seeing it as 'oh he wouldn't do that' whereas they need to see the effect that it's had on you, that's the more important part now (in my opinion) because once they realise the effect hopefully they will support you and help you along your way towards recovery.

I'm sorry I'm not much help, but I hope to hear from you soon,

Julia

012DnR · ‎01-11-2017

Dear Julia, Wow you are only 17 ... You have a wise soul I think. My sister believes that there is a finite number of souls who get to journey man kind multiple times - Im sure you've heard some one referred to as an old soul. If what my sister believes is so ... then this is definitely my first trip 🙂 ... If you need to share sometime I am a good listener.

white knight · ‎01-11-2017

Hi 012

Yes Julia has wise words.

I would imo think your eldest two need to stop judging what went on behind closed doors. Essentially even without abuse or mistreatment couples dont need to justify why they separate. Its between you and ex and while they might be upset its sad but none of their business. Im sure if they brought home a girlfriend you wouldnt tell them to drop her because you didnt like her?

You deserve to be happy. Your eldests will come around in time.

Google this

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Topic: the definition of abuse- beyondblue

Thankyou for sharinng you beautiful soul

Tony WK

012DnR · ‎01-11-2017

Good morning White Knight. Thanks for the extended welcome. I feel a bit more comfortable now that I have taken first step. I skirted oround BB site for a long while. I have looked at the forum topics .... depression, anxiety, etc .... is there one titled 'all of the above'. Have experienced most of them ... as Im sure most members have. The threads on betrayal are helpful, thank you.

jc2000 · ‎01-11-2017

Hi 012DnR,

I don't think I've been referred to as an 'old soul' before aha, but thank you. I guess I'm probably like this because I kind of had to grow up a bit faster, my mum wasn't really interested in childish ways of thinking or acting (if that even makes any sense). I also kind of had to learn to be my own mum at times because my own mum isn't great at showing emotion, or compassion, and I have brothers and to them showing emotion would be weak.

You said that you have taken the first step and that you are now feeling more comfortable, I'm glad. And it's great that you were able to recognise what's going on and try to fix it. Have you talked to a GP or a psych? that would probably be the next step, if you have a psych that you used to see that isn't quite doing the trick maybe its time to find another? one that you're more suited to?

I hope to hear from you soon,

Julia

012DnR · ‎01-11-2017

Hi Julia. I have had counselling, I've had face to face and I did a great course on line called Mindspot. All of these things have been very helpful and each has done its part in my healing. I was on meds for a while too but off them now. I have just started living life as calmly as possible. My sadnes/depression flares up every now and again. Sometimes I fore see it other times it ambushes me. It usually lasts a few days and takes a few weeks to get back to where I was before it hit me - the old 3 steps forward and 2 steps back thing. Sadly though it effects not just me, it hurts my man and my family. I do really enjoy the moments I have with my kids. I have reduced my work to a couple of days a week which has been really beneficial. My man and I love to go camping, we have a small caravan that we take out when we can. We are going away next week for a few days. I really love the isolation, the quietness and the glimpses of wild life we are privileged to see. I always feel recharged after camping. I think this will be just what I need. I hope you are having a good day today. Thank you for listening.