Finding a safe place

[RememberAlice]

Hey,

I've never done anything like this before, but in a rare moment of clarity during a depressive episode, I decided to look for an outlet that might actually help me improve. I have depression and anxiety, and despite visiting many counsellors over the years, I continue to struggle every day. I'm sabotaging many of my relationships, and afraid that if I don't get on top of it I will end up alone, like my biggest fear. Anyway, I'm hoping that by putting myself out there, even anonymously, I can get the courage to try and try again to beat this...

thank you

A

[Croix]

Dear A~

I don't think you are the only one that has come here hoping to improve things, and for a fair number of people it does. Being anonymous is actually an advantage, or I believe so anyway. It's that much easier to talk if there is no one to judge or take exception or worry.

Actually talking here is easier for another reason, you can almost use shorthand as it were. Because people here have lived though the same illnesses, depression, anxiety and so on, the things you talk about are understandable. Also there is no judgement, I've found being able to tell the truth without a mask is a weight lifted at times.

You mentioned counselors in the past, do you mind if I ask if you are under any form of treatment at the moment? It's just that the more we know the more accurate any advice can be.

Ending up alone is a fear common to many, and if you are like me than depression and anxiety magnify fears out of all proportion at times. You said you sabotaged your relationships -in what way? I know in my own case when my illness as at it's worst I was very hard to live with and isolated myself. Is this the sort of thing you meant?

Do you have family?

Whatever is the case I hope you feel welcome enough to come back and talk some more

Croix

[RememberAlice]

Hi Croix,

First of all, thank you for your reply. It's nice to know I've been heard by someone, and to believe there's a community of likeminded and understanding people out there willing to lend their voice to something.

I'm not currently undergoing any treatment, although my doctor recently gave me a referral to a new counsellor. I've had trouble finding one to talk to that really sticks, if that makes sense. I often go to a few sessions and then feel like I've got nothing out of it and leave. I have on my to-do list for today to call up the new counsellor and organise to see them. I'm really trying to be productive about it this time around.

In terms of my relationships, when I'm in a "state" as I call them, I completely shut down. It's as though I can't access the parts of my brain that control speech or movement. I literally become socially comatose, even though I know talking and acting on it would help. This causes the people around me, mainly my family and boyfriend, to feel helpless. They try to get me to talk about it, but for a while it's literally impossible. It's like a real disconnect between my brain and body.

I have an extremely supportive family who know all about my struggles. My mum in particular has been really proactive in getting me the help I need. She took me to see my first counsellor at age 7, when I think a lot of Mum's would've been scared to do so. That being said, she is very different to me, and has at times just told me to "get over it" or "spit it out", and that doesn't work.

My boyfriend is incredibly supportive as well, but at the moment we are long distance, and I find it difficult to communicate how he can help me when he's so far away. He has trouble with anxiety as well, and I feel as though my problems are exacerbating his...

A recurring theme in my anxious states is that I don't deserve to be loved, and so in a way I think I try and make myself as unloveable as possible to give people the excuse to leave me. I know that sounds weird, and hopefully it makes sense....

This is a big ramble, but it's actually helped me to type it down and sort through it in my head.

Thank you 🙂

A

[demonblaster]

Hi Alice good on you letting it out. This is a fantastic place, good people who get it

Depression makes us cocoon and feel unlovable amongst so much else that pulls us down. I have BP Bipolar and am learning to try and see it as separate to me, certainly isn't how we wanna feel aye. It kinda helps me thinking that way cause I can say yeah that's the depression trying to pull me down, nah not having it. Worked in the last cycle. Hard firm self talk.

I think you've well we all have the goods, the strength to pull up but in your post I saw some grit, good on you.

Do you think explaining to your friends when you're not feeling so low so they can understand what's going on. Depression does pull us away.
Very glad you have good family and bf, although Mum at times saying stuff like get over it never helps but she sounds solid most of the time. Good to hear.

I think it's easier to tackle if we know what specifics are pulling us down, then we can maybe get a plan in place to work through from there, figure out how to change or improve on stuff.

A big help is believing in ourselves and that we can get through.

Cya soon 🙂

[Croix]

Dear A~

DB has some pretty good points. I'd like to talk about a couple of things you mentioned if that's OK.

First the problem of getting nowhere -or so it seems - with therapists of one sort or another. I"m sure I"m not telling oyu anything you don't kkow when I say that results are often not apparent until well into the course. This is frustrating and discouraging and may well make one give up - therapy is not pleasant after all and if no gain then why put oneself though it.

As you are about to start with a new counselor. Do you think it might be an idea to work out with this person right at the start a road-map of objectives and checkpoints. I know this sounds rather mechanical and logical. But being able to see indicators of progress - even if you are not what you would have expected - can be the encouragement needed to persevere.

Anxiety can indeed make one freeze up, and from the outside that is a real worry for ones that love. Still as DB says if you can explain what has/is going to happen then that will certainly help them. It's funny but in some ways those with the illness have to look after those around them.

Now, with driving people away. Yes I've tried to do that, though I honestly can't say why I did. I was certainly loved and had loved them myself before. I've thought about this and came up with several possibilities: exhaustion and having to deal with people being one, having to worry about being dropped - and so getting in first. A genuine desire for their welfare and not thinking I was good for them, perhaps punishing myself. I did feel as if I deserved it.

Pick a reason, maybe some of each. I did come eventually to realize I was completely on the wrong track driving family away. I'm very glad they stayed. It was definitely a symptom of depression and anxiety.

Being told to 'get over it' is one of my pet dislikes, as it shows a lack of understanding of what's going on inside. It's good your mum does have a straightforward approach to getting you help even so. The fact she cares is really great.

I hope being here continues to help

Croix

[White_Rose]

Dear A

Hello and welcome. Croix and DB have given you heaps to think about and I hope it will take you further on your journey.

As I was reading your first post about going through a couple of sessions and then leaving because you are not getting anywhere I was starting to formulate an answer. Then I read Croix reply and thought well I don't need to answer. He has said most of it. It's very true, counselling can be painful bringing back old hurts and worries.

Just to digress a little, many people refer to talking with a health professional as counselling, meaning the professional you speak to is a counsellor. That looks a bit convoluted. Have any of your counsellors been psychologists or psychiatrists? I ask because the three groups manage their counselling/therapy in different ways. I wonder if part of your dissatisfaction is because the sort of help you are being offered does not work well with you. Just a thought.

You were talking about the classic responses to danger, fight, flight, freeze. I have to admit I am in the freeze section. I cannot run away or the modern equivalent, fighting scares me, I simply freeze. It makes us feel incompetent, scared and lost. It is a disconnect in your brain. In the past few weeks I have experienced a huge barrage of unpleasant events. This morning in the shower, after I had washed myself I could not think what came next. It was scary. Then I remembered, ah yes rinse soap off. I doubt there was much time lost but my brain had, for that one nano second stopped reminding me what to do next.

It's what happens when your body and brain become overwhelmed by fear or stress. It's what happens when storm water floods our streets, all of it trying to go down drains that will not take the sudden strain and the water backs up. In the short term the only thing to do is to control your panic and allow the body to start working again. Easier said than done I know but next time you are in that position remember the water has to find a way out and it will happen more quickly if you can relax your muscles.

A good therapist can teach you how to physically relax and practice until it becomes automatic. May I suggest you talk about the feelings of being overwhelmed or swamped by the emotions and getting trapped in the "I can't move" position.

Love to know if this is on the right track for you.

Mary

[demonblaster]

As constantly with Croix White exceptional words