Feeling lost, helpless and frustrated

[Axel]

I am very concerned about my partner and the aggressive moods he gets in. They can come on very suddenly. Sometimes he has outburst and yells. During these times I usually stand up for myself and I know I should be quiet, but when it keeps going on I can't take the abuse. When I try to talk to him and ask him how he is feeling, the response I get is, "are you always going to ask me that question?". It is obvious to me when he is in a bad mood that he doesn't see any problem at all. He will snap at me and be very short and he really believes that there is nothing at all wrong with his actions. I'm confused. Friends and family have also noticed his moods and he still refuses to believe there is a problem at all. He blames me:- I'm the one that says and does the wrong things all the time he states! He's only retaliating he says! I'm going crazy here!

[blondguy]

Hello Axel

Welcome and good on you for having the courage to post!

Im sorry that you are being treated as you mentioned above....I have been through it before and it can be a huge drain on your own well being.

Your health comes first here....your partners' comes second as you know

I have had depression for many years now and can see 'anger' a mile away.

Is your partner having any personal, family or work problems at all? Not that they would be any excuse as a healthy relationship is a 2 way street...not one way.

Even if a person has mild depression or anxiety its not a free pass to using their partner to vent their anger on.

The yelling is unwarranted and unjustified. This is only destabilizing the relationship.

Anger and yelling just isnt acceptable but usually is triggered by something. He is directing his anger in the wrong direction. Even if he saw his GP or counselor and discussed his problems your relationship would vastly improve Axel

you are not alone here in any way

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

[geoff]

hi Axel, as Paul has said 'a relationship is a 2 way street' and once it becomes a situation where you can have no say and even get verbally abused for trying to make a comment, then there is a big problem, because it makes your life to be very uncomfortable.
At the moment he is in denial which makes it difficult to be able to talk to him about is troubling him because he is not going to admit anything, not to himself nor to you, this makes it very hard for you to try and convince him that he needs help.
We are how we were brought up in life, whether we admit to it or whether we don't, and the easiest way is to deny, because then you don't have to keep explaining why you have it, and the reasons why, but all of this can be learnt over time by seeing a therapist.
What you have to try and do is tell him that he is using denial as a way to cope, but it's not working because he keeps yelling at you and you can't do anything right, hopefully this will sink in over time and he may begin to open up just a bit, if this doesn't happen and you feel overwhelmed by his behaviour then you have to make a decision on what you want to do. Geoff.

[CMF]

Hi Axel,

Well done for posting. I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this but I know exactly how you feel. How long have you noticed this for? My daughter's father is the same. We haven't seen or heard from him since xmas day after he verbally abused me, in a car park, calling me a f...... disgrace after I questioned something he was doing. That is one of many instances. I noticed this behaviour years ago towards his mum and questioned if he would do it to me. The answer was yes. He is a perfectionist and control freak, i noticed at times his outbursts happen when things don't go his way and other times he is just outright aggressive from the get go. I also notice he is aggressive if he gets 'caught out' ie he does things for his own benefit all the while manipulating it to look like it's to help someone else (I could write a book about this). If you question him on these instances - watch out. He is also a little secretive so if you catch on to something he can't take it.After years of making excuses for his behaviour i have finally accepted that it is not normal or acceptable. We all get angry or have disagreements but to verbally abuse, name call and degrade people is not on.

I love Geoff's point 'We are how we were brought up in life'. I always wonder about his upbringing, he has a bit of a dysfunctional family that i just cannot tolerate.

You mention that sometimes you stand up for yourself when you know you should be quiet. Why do you think you should be quiet? You've become conditioned to accept his behaviour and put up with it as it keeps the peace. Mine is the same, his mum sits there and takes a heap of verbal abuse, being called an imbecile and stupid and he asks others if they can see how stupid she is. I started to just sit there too because i felt defeated and you can't win with a person who cannot see their is something wrong with their behaviour. Mine would never seek help as he thinks he is perfect and everyone else is stupid, as we have been told.

It's a tough one, how do we help someone who cannot see an issue with their behaviour? Do you live together or have a family? Does he treat others the same way or just you? Geoff is right, if he cannot see the problem you need to make a decision on what to do. I have read up on Narcissism and Intermittent Explosive Disorder which has helped me understand and accept that something is not right.

I hope this is helpful to you. You are certainly not alone.

Baby Steps x