dipping my toe in

[Raynor]

Hi all,

I haven't had great experiences of forums in the past but a lot of things are different for me now, so hopefully this will be too!

I came out to myself as trans-masc or non-binary (not entirely settled on labels yet) nearly a year ago and have now begun (slowly) talking to friends about it. I've actually found that my mental health has improved a whole lot in the year. I've struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life but destructive habits that I've had since I was a teenager no longer have the same force... or at least I now have reasons to fight them. Some hope that I might actually be okay in the future. At the same time though, I have this sense of impending doom, because I know that if I want to really feel okay, then I'm going to have to risk everything. My family will be completely opposed for religious-cultural reasons.

My job is also really stressful and I've started having what I think are panic attacks when I'm there. I feel like some of the things I'm called on to do at work are just beyond me at the moment but I can't avoid them, so I have to suck it up and try my best to cope.

I'm trying to get some medical and counselling support. I'm on a waiting list for a queer-friendly GP to get a referral to a queer-friendly counsellor who I really hope is helpful. I think they will be. Otherwise, blech - not time for that yet!

Thanks for reading. Peace - Rayne

[Nikkir]

Hi Raynor,

Thank you for your post and your honesty:) I hope that you have felt more confident and empowered about being true to who you are and how you want to live your life. That must have taken alot of courage! It sounds like you are feeling much better about things even though work is difficult. It is good that you do work, that in itself is an achievement and for me its about taking one day at a time, one hour at a time somedays and remembering to breathe and knowing that nothing lasts forever! I am happy that you have seen a GP, if its not happening quickly enough get another one or you can always call us on 1300 22 4636 or chat for sure. It would be good to find more groups and more like minded people. I went to a womens group once and a man came because our motto was "anyone who identified as a female." He was crying, he was so happy to be accepted for who he was and said that now he would seek out more like minded people. It is hard for anyone to accept who they are and others to love and accept us but you are on the right path and day by day hopefully you will feel more comfortable in who you are. Wishing you all the very best and feel free to drop us a line if you have the time & a very big welcome 🙂 Nikkir x

[Jacko777]

Hello Rayne, welcome!

I have nothing to say after Nikkir's lovely post except...

Have you tried meditation? Meditation has helped me so much to train my brain to focus, on the positive instead of the negative. And breathing exercises? It's amazing how powerful 10 slow deep breaths can be, it tells the guard dog part of your brain that everything is okay, the situation is not life threatening, stand down! Watch out for the triggers at work, avoid them or at least practice a new way to respond, start by turning your attention to your breath, slow it down, count. Give love for the challenge, be proud of your self, take satisfaction, fake it till you make it.

All the best on your journey, you can have hope that you will come to greater calmness and happiness. Talk any time.

Jack

[MsPurple]

Hi Raynor

Welcome to the BB forums. It is great to accept yourself for who you truly are. It is great that you feel like you know who you truely are. It doesn't matter about labels, but if you finely feel comfortable with who you are that is a great thing. I think you just need to make sure you are in a safe environment before you come out to your parents. You must be safe above all. I know you think you may risk it all, but if this is a part of you and you need to be your true self to be happy, then it maybe something you need to do. But in saying that I think it is a great thing you are going to talk to a GP who specialises in LGBT+ individuals. I think you need to do this before talking to your parents about it. I myself identify as a member of the LGBT+ community and it took me a while to accept myself for who I was, and for me to talk to my mental health nurse felt like a burden had been lifted. I felt like I could be my true self and not have to suppress who i really was. It was great to have the support and help from a professional. I also found looking at youtube videos and seeing others explain how I felt really helpful. I even showed mum one of the videos (shane dawson coming out) really helpful explaining bisexuality. Maybe this is something you can do to help explain it to someone.

Hope this helps. This is a good start to you being your true self. remember you don't need labels but if you like them chose one you are comfortable with not one someone dictates to you. People think I should identify as pansexual because it my explanation probably fits this better, but that label doesn't sit right with me so I use bisexual. Also come out when you are completely comfortable to do so. I still haven't told everyone but I have told people important to me. Do what makes you happy and good luck with the doctor

[Raynor]

Thanks so much for these posts and for hearing me 🙂

Nikkir, I would probably cry too in that person's place. It reminds me of when I went to the first AFL women's match of my team. I went on my own because I don't have any friends who support the same team, and I ended up standing beside a couple of guys, supporters of my team, who started talking to me and they were complete strangers but they didn't read me as female... and it was just the best night. I floated for days after. So yeah I really get that. It's so good that your group welcomed her.

Jack, yep I've been meditating for a few months with an app called 1 Giant Mind. It's been massively helpful but it might be good if I made time to slip back to that place when I'm at work though and the walls are pressing in, I'll try that. Thanks!

MsPurple, thank you so much for sharing that. yeah, I'm pretty sure my parents will be the last people i come out to, if I ever do. I can't can't do it yet - and I even have questions about whether it's selfish to want to be real to them when it's going to distress them so much. I don't know any trans people in real life but just recently I talked to one online who came from a similar faith/culture tradition to me and it blew me away to hear him talk about what it was like for him before transition. He was echoing all these things that for my whole life I've just thought was me being a failure. It gives me courage to some extent.... I just don't know if I have enough to go as far as him, even if it means giving up a lot. I've learned to live with low expectations I think.

Thanks for the welcome 🙂

[Automaton]

Hi Raynor,

About your family, the most important thing is to talk with them, and talk excessively. Don't expect that they will accept it straight away -- it may take years before they even warm up to the idea! I know it's really tough to be misunderstood, and feel unloved -- especially by those closest to you -- but you have to do this if you want to be truly happy in your own life -- you have to be honest with yourself, and live to your natural needs.

And while you don't have your family's support, it is very-very important that you take care of yourself, and seek moral and emotional support elsewhere -- with fellow, understanding peers.

Sooner or later you will have to do it, so might as well prepare yourself carefully now, and when you feel ready, take the plunge. And don't forget, patience, love, and honest communication after that -- lots of it!

Be prepared to be rejected at first, pushed away (because of their own misunderstanding and fears), but if your parents/family truly love you, and you love them, any distance can be patched up and healed. All you need is time and communication.

Wishing you lots of love and courage,
Automaton

[Raynor]

Thanks Automaton, that sounds like really good advice.

Peace - Rayne

[rustee_nails]

you are not alone. and it really struck a chord when you said you'd recently reached out and heard

all these norms that you had felt guilty about were actually very normal. they dam well are.

my dad brought me up a devout homophobe.15 years he told me they weren't actually people like "you & me"

when my sister came out he told her to get hormone therapy and didn't talk to her for 2 years.

i'd known a while, and had already asked a Bi friend to take me to some gay bars to comfront these

damaged norms my parent had placed upon me. i'll never forget the 1st time. she took me to an

amatuer drag night (mind blown!!!) and then a gay bar where i stared at the floor until we left.

it took a LONG time, but i knew these were all good people,no less human than me .

minds can be changed but be prepared for it not to happen immediately.

the best thing i can say is stay in touch with like minded people. before social networking,

people would just disappear 😞 it takes a village to raise a unicorn.