Depression & anxiety sufferer here

Justgem · ‎17-10-2015

Hi all, I suffer from anxiety and depression and it's hard to find people to talk to. When I'm anxious I do sometimes vent to friends but when I'm feeling depressed I can't tak to anyone because I don't want them to think differently of me.

I'm having a bad time at the moment, my 30th bday is coming up and I'm just reminded how much I hate my life. I've been racking my brain trying to think of what to do to celebrate, 'what makes me happy?' Nothing. I can't think of anything I enjoy. I'm a single mum of a 7 year old and I've never been in a serious relationship. I'm so lonely. I don't enjoy anything. I don't even think I know what happy feels like. I love my son to death but I don't even enjoy being a mum and I hate myself for feeling that way. I've put on 30kg with this depression and a lot of that was while I was working as a personal trainer. I was disgusted in myself. I've always had body issues but it's worse now, I've been trying to lose weight and failing for years. I just give in to comfort food all the time. I just don't feel in control of my own life.

i have seen a psychologist in the past but I don't feel like it helped much. I feel like I'm stuck in the wrong body/life. This wasn't how my life was meant to turn out. I look at people and I'm always jealous, my best friends can tell me happy news about there lives and instead of being happy for them, I resent them.

I'm sick of hating myself and my life, I just want to be happy. We get one life and I feel ripped off, it's not like I get a do over, my life is wasting away, I can't live like this for the rest of it, I don't know how to cope

sorry for the rant, these are just thoughts I have all the time but never say out loud 😕

Doolhof · ‎17-10-2015

Hi Justgem,

Thanks for sharing your story with us and welcome to the community here at Beyond Blue.

It is great that you have decided to open up to us all here and share how you are feeling. I certainly find it so helpful to just vent now and then and to also ask others if they can offer help and advice.

It can be really hard when you feel like your own life sucks and other people seem to be doing so well. The thing is though, that some of your friends might be having a hard time in some ways as well, they just don't tell you those bits!

I was chatting with my sister today and she was telling me how she has been to have counselling and psychological help in the past and I never knew that! I always thought she had her life so together! She just hasn't told me until today. on the other hand I share quite often when I have needed mental health help.

Regarding your 30th, do you need to do anything for your birthday or are you thinking that you have to celebrate because others do when they turn 30? You might enjoy your time better if you just go out for dinner with family or just a few close friends.

I certainly understand the comfort eating. Now and then I make a very conscious effort to eat more fruit and vegetables. Could you try to go without comfort food one day a week perhaps? Is it possible to go to a park, a beach or somewhere where you and your son can go for a walk? Even a little exercise ever couple of days might help you to get back into it again.

It sounds like you have the knowledge, you just need to find some motivation again.

On the radio the other day I heard someone say "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." It is like you can make a new day a new beginning. If you don't manage to achieve much today, then you can always try again tomorrow.

Hopefully sharing your thoughts helps you to better understand how you are feeling, so you can then work on finding solutions.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Paul · ‎17-10-2015

Hi Justgem,

A big welcome from me as well. Please feel free to drop in any time and vent.

One of the crappy things about depression is that it can make your thinking all mixed up and things can seem completely broken. Once the depression eases up and you think about the same things again, they are usually quite different. I try to hold on to knowing that when I'm depressed that lots of thoughts are going to be a bit screwy so I let them come in and just observe them, make room for them to be there and not judge or bash myself up or continue to spiral with that thought, I just let it be. I find it becomes less painful and those crappy thoughts don't overcome me or lead to other thoughts or feelings that emerge out of judging myself. It takes practice.

I wonder if this might work for you.

Take care

Paul

Justgem · ‎18-10-2015

Thanks for the welcome. I know I need to keep reminding myself that everyone has there own issues too. It's just really hard when I can't see an end to my unhappiness. There's no cure so to speak.

Anyway it's nice to read through posts an know I'm not alone. Hopefully I'll be able to find some sort of light at the end of the tunnel

Paul · ‎18-10-2015

Hey Justgem

There will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep holding on.

In the meantime give that exercise that I described above a go.

Paul

Doolhof · ‎18-10-2015

Hi Justgem and Lats,

Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel does look a little dim, but if you keep searching for it you will see it!

As long as you can see even a weak light flickering, there is still hope.

Some days seem harder than others, so keep plodding on and hopefully you will find answers along the way.

Try and find the positives and focus on those.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Cherpieus · ‎19-10-2015

Hi Justgem,

I understand the feelings of not enjoying anything, including my children. And yes that brings up the feelings of guilt.

I've tried starting various 'hobbies' and I just keep doing them... puzzles, colouring, playing the piano (very badly). I don't really 'enjoy' them. But I just use them as a distraction from the rest of my life. I'm trying to resign myself to the fact that my life is not about enjoyment or happiness. I don't know if this is right but I think if I can resign myself to that then maybe I won't be jealous or envious of others.

Cherpieus