Confused and alone

[Letzi]

Hi everyone, I am new to this forum, but certainly not new to depression. “My Friend” the Black Dog has been around for decades and I’ve been on various meds for over 20 years. Without going into details, my childhood was very dysfunctional marred by physical, emotional and sexual abuse. These experiences have left deep scars and a broken soul. As my age increases, the medication seems to be less effective and the depression worsens, I find myself avoiding social situations and spending far too much alone with my thoughts which is not a good thing.
i used to be a gym junkie, going to gym 6 days a week, now I find it a major effort to find the motivation to walk around the block. I’ve seen psychologists and psychiatrists but feel that medication can do nothing more to help me. I am divorced and have no family. I keep acquaintances at a distance and wear a cheerful face when in company but am finding it increasingly difficult to interact with people. I have no sense of belonging

[Sophie_M]

Hi Letzi,

Thank you for sharing such a brave and open post here. We can imagine how confused and alone you might be feeling, but we’re glad you were able to open up to this community, many of whom may be able to relate to what you’ve been going through. We hope that helps you to feel less alone.

Please remember you can talk to Blue Knot about this on 1300 657 380, every day between 9-5 (AEDT). Their counsellors are experienced in working with people who have experienced complex trauma. They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care. The Beyond Blue helpline is here for you as well, on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat or email here (11am-12am AEDT). It can make a real difference having someone to talk to. 

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. It might take some time for our kind community to spot your post, but we’re sure they will soon be here to offer their support and understanding.  

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[mmMekitty]

Hello Letzi, & welcome to the forum.

Isn't it annoying to have these past experiences continue to intrude into our lives like this, after so many years? (That's a rhetorical question; I know exactly how annoying it can be),

I am not using any meds, but I still see my Psychiatrist, as he is there for so much more than offerings medications. Indeed , my current Psychiatrist was the one who helped me stop taking tem, if only to determine whether my sense that they were not doing anything for my depression, & discovered there was no impact on my depression without the medication.

I guess, for some of us, it is the hard work we must do, usually daily, supporting ourselves. There are all sorts of ideas on this website alone, which you might find helpful. I can't advise very much else as I haven't gone down the road of looking for support groups. I'm sure they are out there, though. Suppose we do a little research?

I'll get back to you.

In the meantime, there are also resources here for how to support yourself. & you can certainly continue talking here as well. I have recognised that talking here has helped me feel less alone.

mmMekitty

P.S. What is in your avatar? I ask because my eyesight is very poor, but from what I see, it looks like it might be cute...? Or I am just hoping it is.

[jaz28]

Hello Letzi,

I am sorry you are going through all of this but you have come to right place for support.

Medications are effective, but they have been shown to be more effective when combined with CBT and other types of behavioural or cognitive therapy. Is this something you are undertaking or would be interested in? Therapy can help you assess and work through your thoughts and feelings as opposed to the pure biological intervention that meds can do. And therapy can help prevent relapse, maybe you need something more than medication (if you aren't already receiving it)?

I am sorry again and feel free to reach out to us if you need it, as well as Beyond Blue's hotline 1300 22 4636.

Stay strong,

Jaz.

[Mark Z.]

Hi Letzi,

Welcome!

It must be extremely hard that you've struggling for so many years. Regarding your physical wellbeing which impacts your mental wellbeing a lot, have you tried to focus on aerobic exercise, such as running or swimming, rather than anaerobic exercise? You might start to find it helpful and feel the difference after keeping doing it for one month or two.

And do you want to share how's your daily life, for example, how do you eat and sleep?

Mark

[mmMekitty]

Hi Letzi,

How are you tonight> Me, I'm feeling very tired.

I had to go out, but I did a little research, but I'm frustrated. I'm finding support services which offer counselling, or phone support, but not mentioning groups that meet in person. I began to wonder if I knew to search a specific location, so I will have to ask you to do that. I won't ask where you are. Some of those organisations might have groups they might not publish publicly, I don't know, I have just thought this could be a possibility. I do hope you find a group to join.

I'll still be here, if you would like to talk more.

Good night,😸

nnNekitty,

[Letzi]

Hi mmMekitty

thank you for your response, pleased to know you are coping without meds. I’ve tried going off them but fall in a heap and unable to function. Don’t even feel comfortable driving, so it’s meds for me to get thru each day.
not sure why my avatar is displayed sideways, it’s a pic of my dog who went exploring in the bushes and got tangled in brambles which reflects how I feel some days.

[Letzi]

Hi Mark, thanks for your reply. Yes, I used to exercise every day, in fact I was a gym junkie but these days I do don’t have the motivation to exercise. I joined a gym, paid 12 months upfront, the. COVID lockdown happened. My commitment to myself is to get back to gym next week even if it’s only using the treadmill.
as for coping daily, my sleep pattern is not good, if I don’t take a tablet at night I’m awake at 2am and can’t get back to sleep.

[mmMekitty]

Thanks Letzi, for explaining about your avatar. Sounds like a gorgeous dog, who must've needed a good brushing after that. 😸

Sometimes the meds are useful tools, like any other tool.

My theory about me & the meds is that it may not have been so much about there being a chemical imbalance in my brain, but more about my old memories re-emerging, & me having no skills, & ways of thinking which are not helpful. I had to learn a lot,& still am. I think my Psychiatrist is of the same opinion. Even when I think I could fall into a heap, I do know, at some level, I will survive it, it won't last forever, so have a little trust in myself, now.

Thank yoyou, too. time & time again people ask questions, & in trying to answer, I realise something I had not before. I have, indeed, learned I can trust myself a little. I am still far from feeling very confident about most things, but I know I can & do deal with falling into a heap. 😸

mmMekitty

[Letzi]

Thank you for your reply. Yes I have tried to find support groups who meet in person, but no luck with that. I booked myself into a hospital which specialises in mood disorders and substance abuse. Unfortunately I did not get much out of my 2 week stay as the majority of patients were in their late teens and early 20’s most suffering from anxiety or substance abuse. The topic of having no interest in life or living was not discussed.
I have reasonable days and dreadful days. I’ve learned to embrace the reasonable days and stay indoors on the dreadful days. I have a dog who is a wonderful companion and a commitment, we go for 2 or 3 walks every day. He’s happy to chill out with me when I’m having a black dog day