Bipolar Mum

[Shooby]

I am not really sure where to start, or even if this is the best place to ask for help. I am a widowed mother of a 40 year old son and a 38 year old daughter. Since my husband passed in 2011 my son has been diagnosed with BPD and after many false starts and many many crisis he has finally found a great phycologist who has helped him immensely. He now lives a reasonable happy and healthy life. You would think that after all I went through supporting and helping my son to finally find his way back to a healthy life that my daughter's diagnosis of Bipolar about 12 months or so ago would be easy to deal with.....but it's not! I need to find a way to help and support her through this illness but just cannot grasp the details of her illness and needs enough to be able to support her. She has a 13 year old with special needs and an amazingly self sufficient and mature 15 year old. I step in whenever I can to help care for the boys as much as I can. I try to support my daughter in every way I can but I just don't know what to do for the best. Her episodes seem to be getting more frequent and more severe, she is not receiving any specialist help just seeing her GP and a counsellor (I am not sure what quals she has) I don't think her medication is working and she says the GP just brushes her concerns aside (I think it is possibly her negative outlook that makes her say this) I have offered to go to the DR with her to try to help her talk to him and maybe gain some understanding myself but she doesn't want that. I do understand the privacy issues but if I am the one picking up the pieces when she falls apart I feel I should have some input into helping her gain the best treatment. When she is like this she is very aggressive verbally and can be very cruel. I have struggled badly with grief for the last 8 years and now manage to cope quite well most of the time, but having absolutely no support myself I really struggle with being overly sympathetic at times. I step in to care for her, her sons and their home and pets when she is down but am really starting to struggle with this on a continuous basis. I need to find a way to advise her of the correct way to get the help she needs. We live in a regional area and access to a lot of medical services is limited and difficult to say the least. Sorry for the long post. Any suggestions?

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Shooby,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for your post. I really appreciate you reaching out and advocating for your daughter; it sounds like things have definately taken it's toll on you!

Advice wise - can you share with me how your daughter responds when you offer to go to the Doctor with her? Or even if you were to talk about how she's finding counselling? I'm interested in why there might be reluctance to let you step in. I also wonder how you're approaching these conversations - because yes I agree that she needs her privacy, but at the same time it's also playing a protective factor for when she becomes unwell. Sometimes, going at it from a 'protective' standpoint rather than a 'you need help' standpoint can help.

If you both find that you're needing further help, you could potentially look at phone/teleconference counselling. It's not the same but it does help with access if you're too far away.

Finally - how have you been coping with all of this so far? What do you think would really help for you to be in a better position to help yourself and your daughter?

[Shooby]

Thank you romantic_thi3f for your reply. Conversations with my daughter can be fraught with pitfalls. I usually let her steer the conversation and avoid raising issues that are likely to set her off unless it is really important. Talk about her medical appts and outcomes are often a minefield. Usually I can only get her to talk to me about it when she is in the midst of a major episode, I always ask when she is seeing the GP or counsellor again and if she would like me to go with her to help her express herself and reinforce what she is told. I have often asked if I could go along to learn a little more about the condition and treatment so I can understand it better and then support her better. She just says no she can do it on her own. Today I requested she ask her GP at her appt tomorrow for a referral to a Psych as I don't think he is the right person to treat it. Sadly she just snapped at me that she knows that and then went quiet, so I don't know if she will ask or not. As a little background, her 13 yr old has, epilepsy, ADHD, ODD, Dyspraxia and is borderline intellectually handicapped. There are a lot of appts with medical, support and education organisations and I usually attend most of these with my daughter (at her request) who struggles to take it all in on her own and it makes it a little easier that I get the information first hand and I can help her put it in perspective a little. This is why I don't think it is such a stretch to think that attending her GP appt with her can have the same effect. I am hoping that when her brother visits over easter that we can have a bit of a family chat about getting help and who is the best person to help her with it. My son and his partner have travelled a very similar road and together have managed to get his condition under control, I am hoping they will have some success in making her understand that we want to help her and are not picking on her.

When my husband died I felt totally alone and I recognised that I needed some sort of support and searched online to find a support group. The group I found was amazing and the ladies that I found on that site were the most amazing support and help. Hence why I am here looking for support, I recognise the value of support pages like this. I really just need to gain a better insight to her condition to help understand her needs and limitations. Thanks for listening

[quirkywords]

Hi Shooby

ou are a very understanding mum.

I have bipolar and was diagnosed over 45 years ago. I was in denial for over 15 years.

Everyone experiences the illness in a different way but The Black Dog Institute has a very helpful website and there are leaflets you can down load.

There is a thread on this forum called This Bipolar life that has a very informative first post. It is a long thread and you are more than welcome to come and post and ask questions and browse through the thread.

I remember thinking if I denied I had a problem it may go away.

One I thing I have learnt that there was no point in people trying to be rational when me when I was manic or was very depressed. the best time to talk about a plan is when one is neither high or low.

The other thing is that especially when you have bipolar and have children that you feel you are in control and that others aren't making all the decisions.

I am sure your daughter appreciates your help but it may take time for her to accept the reality of her illness .

Fell free to ask me any questions and have a browse of this bipolar life.

Quirky

[Shooby]

Thanks Quirky for your response and my apologies for taking so long to reply, I think I have been in emotional hiding. I did read a lot of the thread you suggested and it has been very helpful in gaining an insight into the illness. Sadly this weekend things have taken a turn for the worse with my beautiful daughter. She had been slowly improving over the last week and Saturday we had a lovely day, it was my grandsons 15th birthday and his favourite uncles were down for a visit and all was going good. Then I inadvertently made a joke about a job we were doing in her garden the next day that has set her off. Now she wont talk to any of us except her 13 year old (I am becoming quite concerned about the interaction between them as I think she is using him as a crutch for herself and it is not healthy for him as he has his own issues) I have reached the end of my rope with it all, I cannot take being abused and blamed for everything any longer. I feel like I am not being supportive at the moment but I am human, it is very hard to be blamed for everything and abused and treated harshly all the time with never an admission or apology that it is her or her illness causing the friction. I understand that the illness causes her to act the way she does, but at the end of the day if she wont seek appropriate help she has to take some responsibility for how she treats others. If she only could say during the good times 'sorry for being difficult but I am trying' or something similar I think I could cope, but even when she is having a good period she lays it all at my door and I am constantly walking on eggshells around her, having to weigh every single word I utter around her. It is so very tiring! I am not sure if it is the right thing to do but I have sent her an email telling her how I feel when she treats me like this and that I need her to take responsibility for the way she treats me and others. I have highlighted how much I love her and want to work on our relationship when she is ready. I cannot have a face to face conversation with her as she just goes off screaming and doesn't hear what I am saying, I am hoping the email she can re-read when she is feeling calmer. Why do I feel like such a bad mother? I want to support her, and I do as much as I can, but I cannot keep being abused all the time. She treats her 15 yr old exactly the same way and I think he will leave home very soon if she doesn't find a better way. Sorry for ranting. Dot

[quirkywords]

Shooby

Thanks for your reply. I really feel for you and I know it can be so frustrating communicating with a loved one who has bipolar.

You write that"if she wont seek appropriate help she has to take some responsibility for how she treats others.

I understand your point of view but alas in order to realise one has a problem one has to acknowledge that . I was in denial for over 14 years and I felt everyone else had a problem. I felt like the victim and everyone was picking on me.

"If she only could say during the good times 'sorry for being difficult but I am trying' or something similar I think I could cope," that would be great but she would need an insight into her behaviour. I have only admiration for your love and patience. It must so awful for you when you can see the havoc she is causing for you and your family.

I wonder if there is a support group you could join where you could talk to people who understand.

I think you may need to have boundaries with your daughter so you can look after yourself.

Thanks for keeping in touch with us. Feel free to post here when you want to.

Quirky

[Shooby]

Thank you Quirky for your feedback, one of the reasons I am here is so that someone who has some experience can give me feedback on how I feel and perhaps help steer me into a more compassionate and balanced mindset. My daughter acknowledges she has a problem and needs help. We tend to differ on what form that help can take, after being diagnosed about 12 months ago and her condition seriously getting worse I have doubts that her GP is the best person to manage her treatment. She was diagnosed after a consultation with Black Dog Institute. I am not doubting their professionalism or quality of care at all, however after initial diagnosis her care was given over to her GP. I feel that after 12 months with no improvement but obvious deterioration that a review by a specialist might be in order. I am so afraid for her, she has no one else for support and now that we have had a disagreement she is totally alone. Your comment about 'I felt like the victim and everyone was picking on me' seems very similar to the attitude my daughter displays a lot of the time.

I have tried not to be judgemental and not to expect too much from her, but I cannot walk on eggshells for the rest of my life. I want to work with her and help her through this, but I cannot do it alone, I cannot force my help upon her. As I live in a small town there are few resources of support available, one of the reasons I have looked here for help.

I appreciate your suggestion of setting boundaries I guess in a way that is what I have been trying to do....she is very much an all or nothing person, if she is annoyed with you then you are shut out totally. Currently I am trying leaving her to herself with the occasional text message every few days to say hello and I love you. I am not sure how that is going to go but it is the only idea I have at this time.

I will continue to visit these pages and read other posts, it helps me to feel slightly less alone. Thank you for being here

[quirkywords]

Shooby by heart goes out to you. It is so hard as a parent to watch your child suffer and a,so to feel like you are walking on eggshells. I did this to my parents and have had that experience myself as a parent.

I mentioned before, are you getting any support for yourself apart from this forum. I worry that you are giving so much of yourself that it may take a toll on your health.

I know about small towns and lack of resources.

I think as a parent it so hard most to be judgmental as we love our children so much and that feeling of walking on eggshells is a familiar one.

A specialist is he,Paul in the early days of diagnosis and then when things are more settled one can see a GP. Would your daughter consider seeing a specialist?

I know you looked at the is bipolar life thread and if you ever want to post a question there, that maybe helpful as there are people there who have a range of experiences and are very friendly and supportive.

I can really relate to the all or nothing person, I was like that, and maybe still am to a lesser extent, maybe part of the bipolar. I either really liked something or intensely dislikedit. My mum would say there is a happy medium.

I think my moods would make me so sensitive and sometimes the smallest word or behaviour would send me into an angry outburst or I would go so quiet. It is hard to explain but at the time it seems perfectly rational.

Your daughter maybe feeling so confused herself and I am sure she loves you and appreciates you but it is hard coming to terms with having a mental health label and how that will affect your life.

I admire how patient and supportive you are . It is difficult and hopefully you can continue to gain support from this forum.

Feel free to post here as often as you want.

Quirky