Alone, ashamed & spiralling out of control

[CK48]

Hi, I'm new here & so concerned about sounding like a self-pitying hypochondriac when I know there are others out there doing so much worse than me and with far better reason but ..... I cant help it, I have to try something new or nothing is ever going to change. I'm 48, no stranger to depression - it started with PND after the birth of my son, 20 years ago, and has come and gone since. For reasons I cannot fathom it did not rear its ugly head after my father & hero passed away, it did not re-appear when my marriage fell apart, nor did it appear when I was diagnosed with breast cancer 9 years ago. No, it appears in between and with a vengeance, & right now, I am in throes of an out of control spiral. I cant answer my phone, open my mail & miss appointments which I know I cant afford to & create further problems for myself. I'm out of work & frankly to scared to apply for any jobs because if I do get a job I will need to front up everyday & be 'regular, normal' person when inside I am dying. Dying of sadness, loneliness, lack of sleep, severe financial stress and shame. Oh the shame of what I've become. I cant manage the simplest of responsibilities like housecleaning, or (god, I am so glad noone knows who I am on here for what I about to admit) even showering most days. I was a fastidiously well groomed, intelligent, responsible, reliable person & now I am this hopeless, useless thing. The only thing that amazes me is how I haven't turned to alcohol or drugs to deal with things, although I am definitely over-eating to cope emotionally.

I have no family in Australia, and all my old school friends are in the UK. I don't want to burden my one & only best friend as her husband is currently undergoing treatment for lung cancer & I just have no-one to turn to & can't find friends or social group to help ease the loneliness.

I have been on anti-depressants for years, & seen psychiatrists, am now considering ECT & scared as hell but right now I will try anything to end this rapid decline.

If anyone was listening, thank you. Just thank you.

[star76]

Hi

so glad to see your posting.

Wonderful news about appointment .so glad your gp experience was helpful and constructive. I have a wonderful gp and it's so good to have that available when I need it. I maybe some information here on the site about finding a support under the thread 'New Treatments, health professionals and therapies
Managing relationships with GPs and psychologists; finding the right services, support around prescription drug withdrawals and side effects; different types of therapy, including CBT, ACT and others'.

keep making those little steps . If all you can manage is a shower that's ok that's how it is right now. Be kind to yourself. Theres plenty of people hear ready to comfort you and offer advice though this this difficult time your having.

Take care and hoping to hear from you again

Star76

[dynabolt1]

Hi CK, We are all listening. I have had depression and anxiety since I was a child and I am your age. I did find though, that small goals (no matter how small) are really important. If your goal is to just get out of bed and eat breakfast then that is a winner. Keep chalking up the little goals. Too often we say 'I do this every day so its not worth noting'. I think we underplay the small achievements we make each day. Everyone on this planet is worthy of praise for their daily contributions. It seems that there are a lot of us who go through the ups and downs associated with Anxiety/Depression, you need to know that you are not alone. I hear you and I get you. Love and Light to you.