Admitting i need help
As an only child and independent woman I have found this hard. I now find myself with no other choice but to admit I need some kind of help before I totally unravel.
up until this point I have been seen as a pretty strong & resilient person. On the inside I am anything but. I am now having nightmares every night, withdrawn from friends and family and will cry at any given moment which usually turns straight to sobbing.
A lot of contributing factors. But I’ll stick to the basic facts for now
I’m an Only child raised by a single parent, who I now realise was pretty emotionally abusive. My dad only came into my life more frequently from about 11 onwards as he lived interstate prior to that. My parents hated each other but my mum was the only one who voiced her negative opinions of the other.
I’ve been on anti depressants for most of my adult life. I’m now 39 with 3 children, youngest being 8 eldest 14. I was diagnosed post natal after my 1st and went off medication before my 2nd however have been on it ever since. I’m Married and have a beautiful home & am not wanting for anything. Life was good.
3 years ago my husband was suddenly arrested & taken away, swallowed by the prison system for a crime he did not commit and it took 4 months to get him out, just on bail. Since then we have been through hell and I feel only just made it to this point. His trial starts in another month or so and there is the possibility he will he take away again - I have learnt that there is no such thing as innocent until proven guilty. For us it has been the total opposite.
During these events my dads partner was diagnosed with the pancreatic cancer and is now at the end.
Long story short, I think I have PTSD and I don’t know where or how t get help. I feel as though if I start to get help I will get worse before I get better and I still have a death & a lengthy court trial to get through. i can’t fall apart but the cracks are appearing.
Thanks for reply. The waiting is definitely torture. It’s kind of like life and everything you had planned for life has been put in a jar and sat on the shelf for 3 years.
Were both forced to work full time and long hours after the decision was made to keep fighting for innocence and to not sell our home unless we absolutely had to. This has meant grandparents are relied on for providing the kids with routine & some kind of structure while we try not to drift apart like ships in the night.
I love this man more than anything I’ve ever known. However I find it really hard to say that to him - like never since he’s been home. I’ts like I’ve withdrawn from any kind of admission of feelings.
I’ve always been a bit of a loner & that’s ok by him as I think he’s realised that’s probably half the reason I’ve been as strong as I have been.
however The thought of losing him really scares the crap out of me. As soon as I start thinking about the possibility of it happening again ( and this time for much longer) my chest gets this hollow weird feeling like it did when he was taken away last time, which brings on sadness & despair, like how I can’t survive without him and how the kids will be better off with their grandparents for stability because I won’t be able to deal with my own emotions let alone theirs.
I don’t have anyone to talk to. Yet I have a circle of amazing friends who have their own lives I don’t wish to burden. I also have very supportive in-laws however I don’t feel comfortable talking to them as I feel their focus is on what’s best for the business not their son.
Everything is just firetrucked. and I just needed to write some of it down to make room inside my head for more.