A place to start

[jimmeny_cricket]

Hi there this is my first time on any forum and I am so grateful to find a place to speak. My 26 year old son has a multitude of complex mental illnesses all insuffiuciently treated and made worse by his initial use of illicit drugs and now alcohol. He has been diagnosed with bi polar and suffers very deep depression as part of this. His anxiety and paranoia have become so inhibiting now that it makes it really hard for others to engage with him even when they want to. He is also deeply confused/unsettled by his sexuality. He currently identifies as bisexual however says that means he feels excluded from straight and gay communities. I am very worried that now he is blaming people in general, he says he hates people. Yet with all of this he has an almost heightened awareness of who he is and at times tries really hard to get himself out and about. He is pretty good with his medication however will not consistently see a health professional. He has an ok relationship with our GP.

I just feel so out of my depth on how I can help him. He talks to me probably more than anyone else and I am so not qualified to help him in what are some seriously complicated things. My biggest fears are that he will do something to himself or someone else, but also I can't bear the thought of him having to live like this for the rest of his life, he is literally a tortured soul. My beautiful strong intelligent and creative son has become a complete other person. I know I cant get him back and I have moved on from that. I am desperate for him to find a space where he can feel good about himself, safe and able to live a good life.

We both need help now - he obviously needs better mental health care and I need help to manage my fears and to know how I can best be there for him. I just don't know where to go from here.

I hope this might be a place where we can start.

[baet123]

Hi Jimmeny Cricket (awesome name by the way!),

Welcome to beyond blue and thanks for posting and sharing your situation with us. As much as you are grateful to find a place like BB to speak, we are grateful that you have chosen these forums as a platform for support and I hope you are able to find that this platform is beneficial to you and your son's emotional well-being and overall quality of life.

Sorry to hear that you and your son have had a tough time. May I ask if your son see's a psychiatrist and whether that psychiatrist specialists in bipolar? If this is not the case, I believe that working with a health professional with significant and extensive experience working with patients who have bipolar and substance use mental health conditions would be extremely beneficial to your son's well-being. Does your son express why he refuses to see a health professional constantly? If he is taking his medication regularly as you have stated then I assume he sees that it is important to maintain his well-being. It would be so beneficial for his journey to recover for him to regularly see health professionals. This is super important!

Does your son have a strong support network around him namely any friends that he can turn to or chat about these issues? Has he ever tried group therapy? There are many support groups he may consider joining where he will be able to participate in group therapy. Being able to speak openly and relate to people who have experienced and/or are experiencing what your son is feeling may be extremely beneficial and is worth looking into.

They way in which you are supporting him is amazing and often all one person can do is constantly support the person suffering and always be there for that person which it seems like you are doing. Is he aware of how you feel and how worried you are? It seems as if you have a great relationship and if he is extremely close with you, I believe it may be worth considering telling him how concerned you are and emphasising the need to see health professionals regular, if not for his sake but for yours.

You are extremely loving, caring, genuine and resilient and these are amazing qualities you possess. Keep supporting your son like you are doing and we are here whenever you need to talk.

Please keep us posted and look forward to hearing back from you.

All the best,

Nick.

[SammyD100]

Hi jimmeny cricket

I’m so glad you’ve reached out to the forum for support and advice. As you’ve probably gathered, it’s a great resource full of people who want to help.

It sounds like your son is going through a really turbulent time with a lot of very complex issues he’s trying to manage and deal with. Not only is bipolar a difficult condition to live with, but coming to terms with his sexuality and finding a community in which he belongs is also going to be really hard for him.

It's great that he’s generally good with his medication – the more consistent he is the better. You’re right though when you say that using drugs and alcohol is not going to help him and will in fact make things harder for him in the long term. Consistently seeing a health professional (I assume you mean a Psychologist?) would also most likely be really helpful for him in understanding his bipolar, the early warning signs and triggers, and how to develop a routine that minimises the change of him experiencing hypomanic episodes. Unfortunately however there’s may only be so much you can do to encourage him to engage with a health professional. As much as you may talk to him about engaging with supports and the benefits of this, he needs to be able to make this choice for himself. I guess the trick might be finding the right time to open up these conversations - when he is in a relatively good place and can think a bit more rationally about what he needs.

It’s great that he’s talking to you and I hope that continues. Just being there for him, offering a sounding board, and him knowing that you are there for him is fantastic. He’s fortunate to have a really supportive, understanding parent. I completely understand that you would feel very out of your depth and I don’t think any parent would feel comfortable knowing what to do to help their child in this situation. But don’t discredit your support – as unqualified as you think you are – because it is likely to mean so much for him.

It sounds like you could do with some support too; being a carer or a support person is really difficult and is likely to be having a significant impact on you too. You might find some helpful advice on the Carers Australia website? http://www.carersaustralia.com.au/home/

It might also be worth considering talking to your GP, about accessing Psychological support for you, or for both you and your son together?

Keep doing what you're doing because it sounds like you're an amazing parent,

SammyD

[quirkywords]

Jimmeny cricket,

I can hear your frustration and pain tinged with some hope through your words, and I found your post so moving.

Baet and SammyD have offered supportive replies with helpful suggestions.

I just wanted to offer a few insights for my own lived experience.

I was diagnosed with bipolar at 16 and in my early 20s may parents were very worried as I had dropped out of uni and had no interest in anything. Reading your words brought back to me the struggle my parents(now deceased) would have gone through with me.

When you wrote " My beautiful strong intelligent and creative son has become a complete other person.." it really touched me. He still is your beautiful strong intelligent and creative son, but some of that is hidden at the moment.

My parents went from having very high expectations for me to having no expectations because they felt disappointed by me. Unlike your son I was in denial as way back then there was not much information about mental health. I thought the world was against me and I was very angry . I drank a lot when high and refused to take medication. I felt so hopeless that my life was going to be debilitating lows followed by chaotic highs.

The thing I remember is that it is so exhausting physically and emotionally and you feel helpless when you see your loved ones being stressed.

It took many years but I eventually took medication and my extreme mood swings stopped. I work very hard to stay well.

I only wanted to share my story to offer some hope .

You are a very caring parent .

This is a good place to start.

Quirky