A Brave Face but not as brave as they think.

[Brave_Face]

I chose the screen name Brave Face because that is what I wear every day. I am working in a senior leadership role, I would appear to my staff as confident, effective and fearless. I am great at my job even though I suffer the imposter syndrome so many women in leadership role do. Some days I live up to that ideal, but after a few months of punishing work schedules, organisational politics and a few stuff ups, today I am feeling really overwhelmed. Stuff that I would brush off normally is starting to cut me deeply, the unhealthy replay loop in my head won't stop. I am not on my game and am making ameture mistakes. The cracks are starting to appear in my brave face and I need to find somewhere to talk because I don't have peers I trust and my partner is going through his own crappy time as he climbs out of his own depression.

I define myself by my job waaay to much because I desperately wanted to be a mother but after years of ivf and miscarriages and the utter destruction of the grief of infertility, I am still trying to make my peace with who I am and so have latched onto my career, put on a brave face and tried to convince the world I am doing great. I'm not today.

The sadness is still close by, the dark abyss of endless depressive apathy and highly strung anxiety voice in my head is only marginally being managed behind this cracked brave face. Anyone there resonating with this? I'd love to hear from you.

[Starwolf]

Good to meet you, Brave Face, welcome to the forums.

Well done for sharing your thoughts. You have come to the right place.

You seem to have a good insight into what you are up against. It helps, but doesn't make it go away, does it ? You are not alone, doubting ourselves is a human trait and yes, women are particularly prone to this. None of us can do well all the time, stress and pressure get the better of all of us. Ending up in a senior leadership role means you must have shown the necessary talents and attributes. But it is a huge responsibility and huge responsibilities take their toll.

You write that you are defining yourself by your job way too much. It makes me wonder if you are perhaps neglecting your own needs and not making enough "me time" to enjoy leisurely activities. Becoming too focused on one thing does become exhausting and mental exhaustion can trigger anxiety and depression.

I'd suggest you do the K10 test (top left of this page in the Facts section). Both anxiety and depression are medical conditions. If left unchecked, they can infiltrate every area of life and become overwhelming. Booking a long appointment with a GP would be a wise start. Perhaps you would benefit from counseling to help you work through identifying too much with your job instead of yourself as a person. There are times when we all need an outlet to unload some of the overload.

No need to keep struggling alone or feel embarrassed by something you are not to blame for. You'd be surprised how many people in senior position end up reaching for professional help.

Superwoman may be attractive but she's fantasy. So please take good care of yourself. The heartache caused by not being able to conceive added to identifying with a highly demanding position is a difficult combination to deal with. Having no support at home adds to an already difficult equation. You are obviously a strong, resilient woman but we all have a limited supply of inner resources. When exhausted, they need replenishing before burn out sets in.

Kindest thoughts.

[Brave_Face]

Thanks Starwolf for your reply. Thank you for acknowledging my post.

The comment about superwoman really resonated. I took a big step today and reached out to one of my team and said my resilience is not great right now and I would appreciate some support. He has been very helpful in getting me to go out for a walk and a talk, regardless of how bad the day is looking with messy meetings and demands of clients. While he works for me, I decided to reach out for support through an experienced staff member than take my usual path and soldier on alone. I asked him to keep me honest about this new direction. I feel like verbalising it makes it something real that I have to commit to rather than procrastinate over and find good reasons to avoid in the process of keeping the superwoman facade going.

My challenge has been I am in a toxic environmental and I don't have any peers who I trust with information. They burned me when I entrusted them with the news of my ivf a few years ago and all the decisions about opportunities I was denied and all the criticism they leveled at me in an effort to get ahead by undermining me made me regret sharing anything and I will never trust them again after a punishing group bullying experience. Fortunately my work group is a little more removed from them now and I only occasionally required to really deal with them now.

I am absolutely taking on your idea of me time. Having been stuck in the rollercoaster of infertility, I became lost in that process. I don't really know, now I am on the other side of it, how I redefine and reimagine what my life holds and who I am apart from tragic miscarriage lady. Thanks for the nudge.

[geoff]

hello Brave Face, if someone has gone through depression themselves and used the 'brave or fake face' then usually it's hard for them to able to hide it from those who have done exactly the same, because there are times when you can let down your guard and a crack will appear, especially when you are under so much pressure from work, but there should be some congratulations here as well.
There seems to be a little animosity between you and your husband, and excuse me for saying this, but I don't think there seems to be any help between the two of you, I hope I'm wrong, and I'm only saying that, but from your comment 'going through his own crappy time', so support doesn't isn't there ?
I'm really sorry that you can't become a mum, something that is so important for a couple who have been trying so hard which maybe why your husband is feeling depressed, just as you are, but you have now put all your attention into the work you do, but this will only last temporarily, because you are desperate to communicate with people who are also suffering from any type of depression, because you know they will listen, and yes you're right, as wehave been through our type of depression and have also felt alone.
There will be many days, and no you can not predict when these will happen, although there could be many triggers like meeting up with some friends who have a baby, then this will set you off by having these sad thoughts.
Any male or female will not be happy until their absolute ultimate aim can be achieved, so we have to learn on how to cope with these thoughts.
I'm pleased for you but also deeply sorry, and I always feel as though the sadness far outweighs the happy times. Geoff.

[Brave_Face]

Thanks Geoff for replying.

No, there isn't animosity between hubby and I. What I meant by him going through a crappy time is that he was my rock during the ivf and aftermath. He stayed so strong when I was not. It brought us even closer and he knows what I am going through just like I know he is not going ok, Now that I am starting to come out the other side of the ivf and am not buried in the grief, and he is feeling more confident that I will be ok, he has only just now begun to process the full extent of his own grief. It is a huge step for him to even acknowledge how bad he feels, and when I said he was going through his own crappy time, I meant that I did not want to burden him fully with this. He needs his strength and mine to support him and let him know it is ok for him to grieve and hurt and be angry and feel sad, because he didn't allow himself to acknowledge any of that before now.

I reached out to this community for another support avenue so I could be there for him and I was not leaning quite so heavily on him at a time when he is actually really fragile. He knows I am not doing amazingly, but my joining this forum was about me making positive steps to manage signs and triggers of my resilience dropping and the brave face cracking.

I have wrestled the black dog for two decades, but most of it was in the dark, just me and my amazing husband, with occasional doctors and counsellors lending a hand. This time I want to ask for help earlier, reach out and talk to many others (here, my trusted work colleagues and a few friends) as well as my hubby who has always seen the signs much earlier than me, and has nagged me to talk even when I didn't want to. I am a better person for him in my life, and I am on the path to wellness because of him,

He is hurting a lot right now. I can only support him by taking positive steps myself so I can be the strength he was for me. I am blessed to have a man I love who loves me and is my everything. My steps in joining this forum are about me taking earlier steps this time, so I can be there for him when he needs me to be well and strong, because he needs to feel ok that he is not.

[Starwolf]

Thank you for your kind acknowledgment.

Your 2 posts tell me there is much more to you than the tragic miscarriage lady. Rediscovering the person under the emotional rubble is a challenging but exciting journey.

It is a journey I am familiar with as I have been sole carer for a disabled daughter. Losing track of oneself easily happens when complete focus is outside ourselves.

Kudos for being proactive and courageously stepping out of your comfort zone. Joining the forums to begin with means that you knew deep down a change was necessary.

You and your husband are lucky to have each other. In spite of slow and overdue progress, there is a stigma attached to mental conditions. You are right, because of the misconception re what being strong actually means, men generally feel it more acutely. You are doing a terrific but difficult job. You need and deserve all the support you can get.

If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you will find tips in the Supporting someone section (which includes Looking after yourself).

Checking out Carers Australia may also help :

https://www.carersaustralia.com.au/ is the link to copy into your browser.

[Brave_Face]

Thanks for the encouragement and the links Starwolf. I will check them out and take a look at some of the other threads too.

[The_Abyss]

Hi Brave Face -

As you might guess from the name, I know your "abyss" well!

I worked as a senior manager in a very toxic environment for many, many years, and defined myself by my career as well, despite being a wife and mother. I was working 70 hour weeks and taking work home. I even had my boss call me as I was going into surgery to fix a problem at work that they couldn't handle in my absence!

[The_Abyss]

(sorry, my post decided to post itself without me finishing!!!)

I just wanted to say I understand that need to be superwoman and that feeling of being overwhelmed. That feeling of having to wear a mask. That feeling as things crumble around you as you try to maintain that strength. That toxic environment where you need to watch what you say in case it is twisted to stab you in the back. I understand it all to well.

I wish I could tell you my situation had a happy ending, but it didn't and I am still struggling with the aftermath. But, that was not the point of my post. My point was that you are not alone. So many people in your position share your feelings. What I did find worked for me was seeing an independent counsellor (mine was in an alternate town) that I could debrief to on a weekly or fortnightly basis. It gave me an outlet so that the little things at work didn't become big things and overwhelm me. It was not a sign of weakness to get help, but a safety net, and it allowed me to survive my toxic position for another two years until I felt ready to change the direction of my life.

The other thing I did that helped was take up exercise. I'm not talking of the quick gym session you squeeze in between meetings, I am talking of the sort that lets you beat up someone other than yourself! For me it was a martial art and long distance running. I also took up a drama workshop were I got to escape being "me" for a short time. Whatever your alternate activity is that you choose, it has to consume you completely so you don't have the energy to worry about work or your home issues for that brief moment in time. Don't say you don't have time (I know that excuse well!) - make it a priority, even if it is just one day or evening a week. You owe it to yourself!

You can survive this.

Take Care

TA

[Brave_Face]

Dear The Abyss,

Thanks for taking the time to post on my thread. I really appreciate your kind words.

I am fortunate that my work area (where I am the boss) is a happy sanctuary from this larger toxic environment. We are physically separate and our work is very different, so I am not dealing with the toxic stuff daily anymore. It makes it possible to survive most days because I don't have it around me in my happy group. Some days though, it is hard to escape, which is when my resilience starts to erode.

The exercise point is a good one. I used to swim. The need to concentrate on breathing tends to crowd out the noise. You post has prompted me to look for a place to go for a swim this week.

thanks again