27 years of depression

[Guest_04828000]

I (27f) have been living with major depression, anxiety, stress, borderline personality disorder and pre menstrual dysphoric disorder for as long as I can remember. I have done all the things you think someone with these issues would do, both good and bad. 
unfortunately like many I have seen the point of no return too many times, with endless professionals turning me away because it is difficult to treat, my organs don’t absorb medication right, and my work hours go down, then pay, then I have no therapy at all. I feel I am dealing with this completely in my own just like I did 15 years ago. I am nearly 30 and those kind of actions aren’t acceptable as I am supposed to know better, and I do. It just starts a horrible cycle. I feel there is no advice I haven’t considered or taken on board. Every resource has been exhausted. Hospitals let me go home. 
don’t get me wrong, I have a support system and many things to be grateful for. 

[therising]

I think we can be grateful for many things while also desperately wanting what we don't have, such as a good mental, physical and soulful sense of wellbeing. In such a case, it's reasonable to still be wanting, still be craving and just not wanting to settle for what can feel unbearable at times. I feel so deeply for you as you crave what you so desperately struggle to find (answers and the best way forward).

When it involves the triple whammy of wellbeing issues (mind, body and soul), it's not just about how we think, how we struggle with our inner dialogue and belief systems etc. It's not just about how our biology and chemistry is letting us down or messing with us in so many ways. And it's not just about what simply feels soul destroying. It can be all 3 factors combined. So, unless we've got a team of experts in each field all working really well together, holistically or on the whole the struggles can remain almost feeding off each other or fueling each other.

I feel so deeply for those who are thrown into the 'too hard basket' by experts. Easy for me to say but I feel it should more so be a matter of 'You are the greatest challenge of my career and one I will rise to meet. I will open my mind, research outside the square, put all textbook cases and references aside because you present as someone so unique'. There are plenty of conditions named after people with such a mindset, those who proclaimed, in one way or another, 'This is something people are genuinely suffering through, something yet to be fully identified, researched and addressed. I will identify it, I will research it and I will address it'.

In many different medications, there is more than one ingredient. There can often be a recipe of ingredients. So, if a person can't rely on a medication, there has to be a natural recipe or list of ingredients found for them in the way of what works. A person simply can't be left without a recipe (a combination of what works in their life). This is simply cruel, especially for someone who suffers so much. Not saying this is what would work, it's just an example of what I'm talking about: If heightened sensitivity to external and internal triggers comes at certain times in a cyclic way (hormonal or otherwise), ingredients for the best recipe may involve 1)withdrawing from much of what's triggering for a period of time (strategic forms of emotional detachment), 2) strategic management of inner dialogue that can be triggering during such alone time (a challenging period where there can be extra time to think and listen to inner dialogue), 3)more rest or sleep than usual, 4)strategies that are gently energising and relaxing at the same time and so on.

[ABC01]

Hi there,

I just wanted to say I empathise with you and see alot of myself in your post.

Just because you have a support system,doesn’t mean everything goes smoothly or “on track” all the time. Don’t be too hard on yourself. If you try your best everyday,at what level you are capable of, you are doing your best. That is all that matters.

You may feel you are alone, but you have resilience and bravery. And the ability to post your honesty here. I am cheering for you.

ABC01