1st time here:1st question that comes to mind:will this help?

[Viriya]

Hello all,

It is my first time here. I have been battling unemployment/underemployment for the past 5 years and have no hopes of ever having any form of employment. I am highly educated, have always been considered 'gifted' and am hardworking. I am friendly, easygoing, have a positive attitude.But.No job.None.I am severely depressed and am constantly contemplating suicide.

All this sounds so grim.There are so many layers to my depression, not just one incidence, but a sum total of everything I've been through.A broken family, absent father, abusive grandmother,mother who never showed affection,un-supportive parents and brother,severely abusive in laws,emotionally absent and neglectful husband.I always found solace in my work,and my meager paycheck.Now that's gone too.Nothing to live for.Just 2 beautiful young children who love me, otherwise I would have finished this life long back.

I have talents, gifts.I paint,I create things with my hands,I sing,I run a small handmade business(that's not making profit),I write. Nothing seems to give me joy. Everything seems pointless.

All I want is that this burden be lifted off my soul. I cannot afford counselling. Antidepressants just make me drowsy and unable to function normally.

Will being a part of this forum help?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Viriya,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing this with us here today. We know it isn't easy but it is so important that you have taken this brave step. Our valued online forums community make this a safe and non-judgmental space where users give and recieve support based on their own experiences with mental health. We certainly hope you find it helpful.

We are concerned to hear how much you are struggling right now. It's important to know that help is always available to you. If you feel like you're at immediate risk to yourself, then this is an emergency and you should call 000 straightaway. We'd also recommend reaching out to our friends at Lifeline for crisis support on 13 11 14. Beyond Blue's support service is always there with qualified mental health professionals able to provide support, advice, some counselling and referrals appropriate to you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636.

Please check in and let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.

[Viriya]

Thank you for your reply Sophie_M, I appreciate it.

Though I constantly think about ending it all, I know I am not going to do it, I cannot do this to my children. I am totally dependent on their presence to keep me sane.They went back to school yesterday and I went back into my dark place.

As for talking to someone, I would, if I had even the slightest hope that it will help. I think I am comfortable with the anonymity and indirectness of this online forum for now. I'll see how this goes.

[Sophie_M]

Thank you so much for getting back to us and confirming you are safe. The anonymity these forums provide are attractive to many and do allow for fuller and franker discussions about difficult topics than might possible in different environments. That said, we also wanted to let you know you can contact our support service via webchat (3pm-midnight AEST) or email (replies within 24 hours) if you are more comfortable writing. You can access both these options here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support. Of course our wonderful community are also here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

[Helen72]

Hi Viriya,

I was a bit similar - I was asked if I'd kill myself but I said I wouldn't because of my daughter. But I think being able to 'talk' about things often makes them a little less onerous. If you don't like meds, what about doing something nice for yourself or going for a walk? Or is it a bit much atm?

Helen

[Emmen]

Hello Viriya,

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all that. To have lost your only solace, your work...I'm glad you're hanging on and will hang on for your children's sake.

To be able to run your own business is no easy feat. It's something I only dream of, but alas, I don't have that kind of talent or skills. Not to mention, you also sing and paint and write. Wow. There's a lot of things you can sink yourself into to distract yourself from the things that make you unhappy right now. But perhaps that's all lost under the waves of depression.

Five years of un/underemployment will take its toll on anyone. I'm really sorry you've experienced that. I wonder if you'd like to seek the help of a recruiter to help you find another job? It may not have to be in the same field you were educated in. Since that doesn't seem to be working out, how about a change in another field? A short certification course may help with that, and maybe give you more hope for the future as well?

You've mentioned you cannot afford counselling but you have been on anti-depressants. I think that means you have seen a GP before? I'm not sure if this will help you, but here's a link of low cost and free mental health services: https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/low-cost-or-free-mental-health-services

Take care, Viriya.

- M

[ecomama]

Dear Viriya, I'm very sorry for all that you've been through & now your sadness & frustration in your current situation. I'm so sorry you have also felt depressed and go to thoughts of suicide regularly.

I'm so glad you have two beautiful children :-))

Yes, this forum WILL help.

But it may be only one part, a HUGE part maybe, of the jigsaw puzzle you need to put together for a better picture. We need to tackle these suicidal thoughts and depression.... so you can have a brighter outlook on life.
SOME of the pieces of the puzzle could be:
* Counselling
* Friendship groups
* Engagement in community
* Self care
Not a complete list....

I understand you can't take meds - I can't either. These are not the only solution either.

Emmen has put up a link I hope you will search for low cost / free counselling.
There's also Uniting Care who does an intake Consultation and could apply for free sessions. I use this service.

Women's Health Centres are invaluable resources for INCREDIBLE free courses for women.
Please check these out, I have made friendships through WHCs and have attended the best courses suited for my MH and Wellbeing ever. You may even find employment opportunities here and network to build your business. Women supporting women can be extremely empowering.

A priority must be your own wellbeing. I hope you have informed Centrelink of your changes in income & that you have access to these funds via Family Payments etc. These are supportive funds for families because families are so important in our community and so are YOU.

Counselling with a person you click with will be SO worthwhile. You can discuss anything including your marriage.

Please let us know how you're going, big hugs.
EM