Voluntary Admission, looking for advice

[Saphira]

Hey guys,

I am looking for advice, some guidance regarding a voluntary admission.

I have been struggling with my mental health for as long as I can remember, A year ago I actually quit my job, packed up and moved back in with my parents to have a mental health gap year of sorts and really build myself up to start again., I eat healthy and exercise regularly, I take supplements to help support my body and mind. Over the last year I have made progress, It has been agonizingly slow, but it is progress. I feel like finally making the decision to stop trying to push myself through life like "normal people" can and working on myself has actually made me very vulnerable, I feel as if I am made of glass and can no longer push through or shrug things off like I used to. I had accepted this as a positive as a sign I am no longer lying to myself and that the resilience will slowly build.

I just recently had a positive test result from the Dr that like depression also comes with a huge stigma, This has absolutely crippled me and I need help. 

I have made the decision that I need to go and have a stay at a Psychiatric Hospital. I have called both the hospital and my health insurance in the past to work out what I will be out of pocket for and I am able to upgrade insurance and access a once in a lifetime mental health waiver. 

I am here because there has been many periods in my life where I should have admitted myself but did not with the excuse of leaving workmates to cover my work load, not being able to afford rent while not working, and then of course the ridiculous shame, guilt, feelings of being a burden and not wanting to make a fuss, and also hesitant as to what to expect. 

I have tried all of the tools, this is the last thing in my toolbox to try, I would love some encouragement or to hear from people who have had a positive admission that helped, especially whether these feelings of me not wanting to cause a fuss or feel shame, or that I am overreacting, are a common problem for others too that delayed them getting help.

Also that I can admit how ridiculous my fears are, as this is not bouts of mild depression. This is severe, agonizing torture that poison my brain that have suffocating me for years, yet my brain still tells me that I am over reacting? Brains are ridiculous.

[Croix]

Dear Saphira~

Welcome back, I'm sorry to read things have not been good. Yes, you are right brains are ridiculous:)

I invented all sorts of excuses, firstly for disclosing my mental state - due to pressure of work, stigma, other people relying on me, wondering if I would be doing the right thing, and other thoughts too. They all seemed very valid and reasonable at the tme.

Looking back I think they were very largely made up of not accepting how serious my condition was and plain simple fear of what would happen. I ended up suicidal.

The same doubts applied to hospitalization, and I've only experience of the public system, not the private, and while admission has been voluntary it is very restricting.

I'd have to say being on a psych ward is not a peasant experience, one of the things that got to me was the distress of some of the other patients. Even so on whole it has done me good. I think it has a lot to do with being removed from everyday life, plus a chance to alter meds in a safe environment.

I remember looking down from the 6th floor out to the quadrangle filled wiht shrubs, and watching pigeons flutter from one to another. at the same time I could see a street wiht tiny people going about their lives. It was a good combination, I did not have to interact with the peple and at the same time the wildlife reminded me there was more in the world than I'd been concentrating on.

How hospital affects each person is different, and the standards at each hospital are different too.

Does this help?

Croix