Schema therapy? Or a way to grow positives in one's life?

[hope4joy]

Hi there,

I'm currently reassessing whether therapy is helping me after having a huge fall back to depression in the last few months. I know that xmas and being on holidays are difficult times for me, as well as my psych being away for 6 weeks, but I am so tired of going around the same merry go round and keeping on getting unwell. I've just started meds to try to increase my base-line for mood and try to add a little more resilience. But I also believe I need some change in therapy approach. I've been with the same psychiatrist for about two years now (mentalisation based therapy) and have also done CBT and DBT previously. I've got a much better handle on managing emotions in healthy ways, self care, communicating assertively, self awareness and am no longer impulsive, suicidal or disassociating which is great. I also moved around for many years so being stable geographically is huge. So I feel like I get support to manage the problems and difficulties in my life but little support to help to grow the positive, in particular I find it really hard being able to increase and maintain a healthy network of friends. And I find that similar thought patterns (like feeling inferior to others etc) keep recurring and shutting me down in social settings. I've read that schema therapy can be good for changing these deep-seated beliefs? Does anyone have experience with schema therapy? Or know any other approaches that I can use with my psych to help focus on and grow the good in my life? 

With thanks, Christina 

[Jacko777]

Hi Christina,

I have no experience with schema therapy but it sounds good. Have you tried meditation? It has been very useful for me, it helps me to train my brain to focus on the positive and off the negative. It has brought me calmness and now I try to view my life as a meditation, when negative thoughts come to mind I can attempt to replace them with positive thoughts.

It helps me to be aware of the positive aspects of my life, write them down, then do my best to keep my attention on them. We can change the pathways in our mind, we keep going down negative paths because they are familiar and well worn, it's easier. But it's not better, we can make new paths that lead to happiness and calmness through awareness and repetition, every time you are feeling negative try and pull your self up and find the positive in the situation...head down that path. It takes practice but it helps.

I am glad you are staying on your journey of recovery, keep searching and you will find some solutions. And don't forget to love...love in every moment you can, the people around you, your life, your self, take some time out to love your self for the effort you are putting in to be better, you have great persistence and you will succeed.

Jack x

[Doolhof]

Hi Christina,

Forming lasting friendships can be difficult at times. A friend told me once that you may have friends in your life for a long time, and some for only a brief period of time, the thing is to enjoy the moments you have with those people.

I too have suffered from feelings of inferiority. It has surprised me many times when I have had in depth conversations with friends to realise they too feel inferior at times! Some of these people I would never have expected that from.

Like Jack mentioned, thinking positively certainly helps. Tell yourself that you are okay, walk down the street with your head held high and a smile on your face. Put your shoulders back and believe that you have as much right as anyone else to be where you are and that being you is a blessing.

On the weekend I was going to catch up with three girlfriends for lunch. Two had to cancel. That is okay. There is always next week or the week after for catching up. My friend and I ended up joining another couple we happened to know at the restaurant and had a lovely time.

Make the most of the opportunities that come your way.

From Mrs. Dools

[hope4joy]

Hi Jack,

thanks so much for your reply. Your words have struck a chord with me and I feel rather reflective. I have done lots of meditation before, with buddhist studies being a big part of my recovery a few years ago. I still listen to talks by my favourite monk via the cd player in my car because I think his teachings are something very helpful to be re-programmed in! Lots of practical advice for daily living. I believe a lot in the power of the mind to turn things around, such as emotions and moods and outlook etc. I've been thinking about this and I guess for me the biggest thing is action. I'm so good at thinking about things differently that I can often even get through emotions but I repeatedly fail to act differently. For example if feeling lonely, or like i'd wish to be having more fun in my life, i can turn my thinking around and get through it and be okay, but by not actually taking the action that will bring change e.g. investing more time in current and new friendships, making a point of doing things that i find fun like playing games or dancing, i perpetuate the problem and it will only resurface later, possibly with more force. So i guess that is the missing link, between what i wish for and doing the action that will help that wish be realised. In a way it is a hindrance being so good at tolerating emotions! I've been thinking if it is a lack of motivation that stops me acting but i don't think so, i can push myself to do many things. Rather i think it is the hinderance of depression, which now i've decided i need to treat with meds (just started them) and also a lack of self worth that can also hinder social interactions because i can focus too much on myself and/or the other person's reactions to me. So yes, I think i will explore schema therapy, its something that has caught my interest for a few years now. And at the same time, stillness and reflection and meditation are important too. A friend wrote this quote for me a few years ago and it often really calms and reassures me:

"each day accept everything that comes to you as a gift. At night, mentally give it all back. In this way you become free. No one can ever take anything from you for nothing is yours." 

Kind wishes, Christina 

[hope4joy]

Hi Mrs Dools,

Thanks so much for your reply. Yes your words are very powerful, that we need to have self belief, and to know that it is quite human to doubt ourselves and that many others do the same. I have periods where I feel so good being me and almost invincible... a few years ago I worried I was having periods of mania, but alas it was simply that my depression had lifted for a period and i was on a more 'normal' playing field. I love those times and I feel like life becomes something to relish and thrive in, compared to my often existence of barely 'getting by'.

Yes I agree what you say about friends, many are situational and once you stop that work or move house, the friendship peters away. While others are long term keepers. I've moved around a lot and have old friends scattered all around, and am pretty good at staying in touch. I struggle more with keeping a healthy network of friends in the city I live in, and also struggle with hanging out with people I really find fun, because I can feel inadequate compared to them. So yeah, I think I need some help with this - as well as needing to be committed to changing my outlook and thoughts.

Its nice to hear about you happy coincidence at the restaurant! You're right, each day is only ever made up of all these chance moments... they are the real bread and butter of life so to speak, and are valuable if one can go with them. Its such a trap to think that life will 'start' when i get to x place, or do x thing, or.... its right around us as we speak!

Kind wishes, Christina 

[Chris_B]

Hi hope4joy, a couple of threads below from members who have tried schema therapy:

Schema therapy for anxiety

Schema therapy

[hope4joy]

Thanks Chris B for the links! 🙂

[Jacko777]

Hi Christina, thanks for your reply.

I think we are all challenged at times with the missing link you speak of. One way to work on this is goal setting. Some times when I am feeling lost and don't know what to do with my self I will sit down and do my 'circles'. On paper I put 'me' in a circle in the middle and then spokes out to other circles where I put the important parts of my life. So for me that would be things like family, friends, career/money, health, nature, music, volunteering etc. Now I can see the important parts of my life before me, I can think about what other things should be there. Then I can start to set some long and short term goals in each circle, some times they are simple like staying in contact with people ,some times they are more challenging. I work the goals back to the small steps i can do today, now I have a list of actions for today and I have already decided that they are important, i don't need to think anymore, just act, just do it. Tick the things off the list and at the end of the day take satisfaction from knowing that I have done my best, give thanks to my self for giving it my best shot.

The thing that can stop me is fear, fear of failure, fear of people, fear of the unknown. Action cures fear. You cannot have love and fear in your heart at the same time, stay focused on love. And you know what they say about meditation...do half an hour every day unless you are really busy in which case, do an hour.

Jack x

[hope4joy]

Hi Jack,

thanks for your reply. I enjoyed reading about your description of doing 'circles' to map out the components of your life. I've read up on this before from a feng shui perspective - about seeking balance in one's life. I often seem to put too much emphasis on one or two areas and when something goes amiss in these - or perhaps I take holidays from them - i can be left with a very empty canvas. I sat down yesterday and did map out some circles and can see where I'd like to grow things in my life. I guess it also reminded me that I've tried to change so many times before - so many times I've set goals and started new activities and projects, only for it to fall apart 6 or less months later. So while I think goal setting is important for me, I also think working out the obstacles to change is also important. I think that some of my limiting beliefs impact how I interact and in a sense short circuit my efforts so that they topple over. I'm very good at doing 'stuff' - work, studies, health/fitness, practical day-to-days... its just this interacting with people business that confuses me! So while I feel tired of therapy and tired of trying to change I also know I need to persist a bit longer with these things to try to improve how I go about achieving my goals. I guess I have a real pull to simply be content with what I have, so I guess I need to find contentedness in needing to do more work. I feel like growth has really changed from averting the negative to growing the positive... its a really different way to approach therapy.

Anyways Jack, its good chatting to you, it helps me to clarify my thoughts. I do have one question - you mention that one cannot have fear and love in one's heart at the same time. I've found this to be why i find depression so painful - because it blocks the feeling of love. How do you bring love into your heart when you feel such a strong sense of depression or fear? Do you have any strategies? Or do you just focus on love without actually feeling it?

Kind wishes, Christina 

[Jacko777]

Thanks for your thoughtful reply Christina, you certainly have much clarity about your circumstances and I can tell that you will stay on your journey of recovery and improvement and you will succeed. Balance is so important isn't it, I find it important to not let my circles cross over, if I have an issue or challenge in one area of my life I do my best to not carry to over to other parts where I am having success. For example, I am not going to think about my relationship challenges when i am jamming on the drums. Maybe it is okay if new things eventually come to nothing, at least you tried, at least you know now and you won't regret not trying. And yes, at the end of the day we can take satisfaction from where we are right now, be thankful for what we have and who we are...there is always something to be thankful for.

There is much to be said about keeping love in your heart, it takes practice and belief and I guess a condition of depression could even prevent one from making the choice of love over fear. I am highly interested in my spirituality, I went on a journey to discover more and, long story, I have come to believe that I have a spirit or soul, we all have one. And I have come to believe that my soul is made of complete unconditional love and on most days I can pull the back the curtains of my mind to reveal my spirit. With psychological therapy I was able to reduce the blockages in my mind and try to find harmony between mind, soul and body, it is always a journey, not a destination. I believe that my mind has been shaped by my upbringing, some good experiences and some bad, the bad ones left deep scars and created depression and anxiety, I covered up my spirit with fear and hate and sadness. But I am not just a mind, I am also a spirit and I believe it is the spirit that positively motivates us to be better people and to serve others. The mind would motivate us out of it's shaped state (I don't like the word 'programmed') so we might make decisions based on comparison, prejudice or materialism etc. Jeez I am going on! 

You can take the power back. It might feel awkward and difficult for a while but it will become easier. For me, it's about being true to my self. It's the switcheroo that I practiced over and over and over, from negative to positive, from fear to love. If I am feeling anxious, I know that is fear, so I look for the positive and focus on it, like a meditation, just keep kicking out the negative. To be continued...