People pleasers support?

[lilykitten]

I'm a people pleaser. Yes I know it and I hate it but how can I get help? It is destroying me and my kids and any chance I ever have for happiness.

I was brought up strictly but have turned my own kids into unhappy brats by never saying NO. My husband left me for 2 reasons. Firstly I was resentful and passive aggressive " Don't worry honey I will bring home the income for 15 years you don't have to work" and secondly because I was distant never enjoying his company because I was always thinking of what I should be doing or organising. " No you go out Hon, I'll stay home and clean the kids room and we will even save money without having to pay for me".

The most idiotic symptom I suffer is full-blown panic attacks (nausea dizzyness tight-chest pins and needles) when I organise fun family events, so I never get to enjoy them. My coworkers and boss walk all over me but still have no respect for what I do for them. My kids reward my efforts by being increasingly grumpy with me and say they are depressed as their escalating demands take over their lives.

What should I do? Who do I turn to?

[smallwolf]

Hi lily,

Putting my hand up.

I am also a people pleaser. Or was. I am getting better at pushing back and being assertive.

In my job, I was or am the go-to person. Got a problem go-to Tim. And I had problems saying no. I my case the other people were mainly lazy and not working out the issue themselves.

My psych then has given me ideas to help. The first one was to make sure I take lunch and not to handle problems at that time.

There were other calls with my boss about things that had to change as well as they were not healthy for me. This included what I was going to do and hours of work. And not to look at emails at certain times of the week.

My psychiatrist said that when do don't answer them, tell yourself you are doing them a favour.

So it is about pushing back, being more assertive, saying no, etc. And all of these can be hard initially, based on my experience.

The other thing to remember, and this also came from my psychiatrist was to look at the positives of being a people pleaser. I did Google it once.

The kids are an odd one. My kids are teens and they can look after themselves if I am not about. And become lazy when I am around. And grumpy like yours. But they are angels in public. Phew.

Maybe a conversation with your kids also about what it is like to be a people pleaser. Not sure of their ages however.

So if you cannot remedy the situation yourself, there is always professional help.

Tim

[Ggrand]

Hello lilykitten,

Welcome to the forums...

I also am a people pleaser, growing up with narcissistic parent you soon learn how to keep safe and please to avoid retribution, then to top of everything i was perfectly groom for my over the top narcissistic husband. Everything I done was for others, never a thought to my health and happiness,mi was to busy keeping the peace and keeping everyone else happy..

My hubby passed away 5 years ago, and I still cannot say no, I’ve tried and then beat myself up for being so mean and selfish....

Im wondering if you have spoken to your go and let h him/ her know what your going through...If you make a long appointment and be honest and open, your go may refer you to a psychologist to help you manage....Just my thoughts here, maybe something deep inside you is holding you back from saying no..You mentioned you were brought up strictly, I believe that our emotions are being set for life when we are children and once that’s done it’s really hard to change them....I feel that our emotions are fixable with some professional help..I’m saying it’s easy, I am still trying to say no...

I have a thread on grounding yourself..it’s title is..” grounding what is it and how do we...it explains how to try to ground yourself during a panic attack..There’s little packages boxes you can make up and have handy if you need them..I ave them everywhere in my home, car and handbag...it’s about using your 5 senses all at the same tim, which hopefully takes you mind of what’s happening to you...I’m extremely anxious and use mine a lot...

Mindfullness is another thing I practice daily to help with my anxiety, if your referred to a psych, hopefully they will also help you to understand about being mindful....We have a thread on here as well on Mindfullness....the thread title is “ Mindfullness, even if you don’t know” you can search both threads in the search engine on the top right hand corner of this page..

I hope I have been of some help to you, but please if you feel like it keep talkingbhere and I’m certain more wonderful people will call in to chat with you.

Kind and caring thoughts,

Grandy..

[Ggrand]

Hello again..I’m really sorry I should but don’t often edit my post...

3rd paragraph down last sentence should read...I’m not saying it’s easy...I’m sorry I left the not out, which completely made the sentence read wrong..

Kind and caring thoughts,

Grandy..

[lilykitten]

Thanks Grandy

Yes I use Mindfulness and can push myself through panic attacks so I can function and not ruin it for everyone but unfortunately not enjoy myself. Its great that I know what is is but I would love to not have them.