Long time in therapy and still feel terrible

Matilda22 · ‎10-04-2015

Hi all,

I have been seeing a psychologist for over 4 years now having initially had a bad experience with a psych beforehand. I trust my psych completely and I feel we have a very good relationship however I continue to have ongoing anxiety and depression relating to many things, one being childhood sexual assault. I have being increasingly suicidal lately, which my psych knows about. No matter what I do, I can't seem to get out of this hole I'm in. I have previously tried meds but they left me feeling very sick so I ceased. No one around me knows how unwell I am, and I do not intend on exposing this to my family or friends. Has anyone else had the experience of being in therapy this long without feeling better? I'm sick of feeling so exhausted all the time . Any thoughts would be appreciated

Matilda

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white knight · ‎10-04-2015

Hi Matilda, welcome to beyond blue forums

As soon as I started reading your post I could relate. I wrote an article in these pages called "if all else fails what can you do? be radical" you might best find it in google.

I think in some cases people need to review their lives. A change is as good as a holiday eh. A move to the country, a change of job, full time work to part time to provide more time for yourself and so you take less sick days off and reviewing your finances for there is less stress. Some might review the friends they have in this procedure. What ever the course of action some radical approach might be needed. "Might" because only you can decide.

One post by another member called "think b4 you act" is about his action of attempted suicide. It might help your thoughts you have had lately. These thoughts are quite sad that you have and I've been at the point you are now. I also wrote an article called "what life is like at the end of the tunnel" where I explain what its like at the end of 25 years of struggles and having conquered most of my demons.

However, I still have me good and bad days but less bad than they were. So its a case of managing them better perservering with medication until you get the one for you. I tried 12 meds before one hit the mark. I've never turned back.

Tony WK

BKYTH · ‎10-04-2015

The side effects of some medications decrease over time - I wonder if you have tried a sufficient number and types of medication to have given up on them? Unfortunately childhood sexual abuse is more common that I wish it were. There would be quite a few people with mental health issues who were exposed to it and I had my own experiences of it. Unfortunately things take the time they do. I'm 62yo and still looking for the finish line. White Knight made some good suggestions. Don't you have any friends that you feel you can speak to about what you are feeling? Perhaps you are denying your closest friends the opportunity to support you, as I'm sure they must have noticed that something is wrong. Perhaps they would welcome the chance to be of assistance if you were to give them that possibility - Speaking for myself I know that life is not all sunshine and roses. Anyone who refers to me as a friend will find me by their side in the difficult times as well as the good times. It is being there during the difficult times that gives friendship its substance and its meaning - And I don't wait to be asked I can see behind the pretence of "all is well" very quickly. I hope you make further posts. If not. I wish you well. Philip.

Matilda22 · ‎11-04-2015

Hi White Knight and BKYTH,

thanks for responding. It's nice to know there are people out there who understand what someone like me goes through.

you both make some really good points. I guess I'm reluctant to continue with medications, maybe because of the stigma (I know that's my issue). I'm an incredibly private person, which is the reason those around me don't know what is going on. In the master I guess of being able to fake it when I have too.. But it's getting exhausting doing that all the time.

like is said, I really trust my psych- he gets it, but I just feel so stuck in therapy- but I couldnt imagine not being able to go. It's the reason I'm still alive really.

Thanks again for responding.

Matilda

BKYTH · ‎11-04-2015

No one will know you are on medication. No one in my life knows that I am on medication. I don't keep it a secret because of any fear of the stigma that might come with revealing that. I have no reason to mention it but if the situation were to change I would talk about it openly and without hesitation. I too am a very private person but does not mean that I need to hide behind a fake persona. All of us are obliged to put on a false smile with most of the people we encounter in our day to day lives even though we might be struggling but if we do that also with those who are close to us and care deeply for us then we are not being private but are emotionally isolating ourselves from them. As I suggested in my last post are you really the master of being able to fake it when you have too? People are very perceptive, especially those who are close to you and if you continue to exert that mastery of which you claim then that will forever fuel the exhaustion that you speak of. If our behaviour and attitudes are such that we are unhappy and exhausted by maintaining them then that will remain the case so long as we continue to do what we do. I have certainly learned that from my own experience. If after four years with your current Psychologist you feel stuck perhaps it is time to see someone else. Its good that you have trust in your present therapist and that "he gets it" whatever that means but you seem to be dependent on that therapy, perhaps that therapist, and if that is the case, that in itself is a cause for concern. I would encourage you to see your GP and to discuss with him/her the issue of medication further - Some people have had very good outcomes from their use. Read the last paragraph of white knights post again. I hope you make further posts. Regards. Philip.

Matilda22 · ‎11-04-2015

Thanks Philip, you clearly have some great points to make. I guess everyone's experience of mental health, their relationships with fried a and family is very different.

It does seem like a long time to be with my paychologist, but due to an incredibly damaging experiencing with my previous one, it has taken me a long time to establish trust etc. Moving on from him doesn't seem like an option, but I get your point.

Ill have a think about the medication again. Thanks

JessF · ‎20-04-2015

Hello Matilda, I have been to different therapists on and off for the last 15 years. I am not seeing someone regularly at the moment, because I don't need to, but I wouldn't hesitate to go back if I felt myself slipping and needed that extra support.

Recovery is not a one-way journey, unfortunately, there will be backwards steps along the way.

Another important thing to remember around feeling that you haven't improved over a long period is that sometimes we are not the best judges of this. Remembering how you felt four years ago compared to now is vastly different from how you actually might have been feeling then. When we're depressed we are more inclined to remember past events in a bad light. Perhaps you might like to try keeping a diary where you can keep track of this?