Hospitalization

[greygloves]

First post here.

 I have been hospitalized twice with my last admission being over 5 years ago. I had a different psychiatrist and psychologist back then and my new people are well, new.

 I could probably use a stint at the moment. I am not doing so great. I really need to get my meds into a strict routine of actually taking them because I am in the "I really don't give a rats anymore" phase. I am not coping and would just like to sleep my life away thank you. 

 I sabotage myself though, come up with every reason I can to not go in. So many people rely on me (kids etc), I work for myself and have deadlines, who will pick up the slack with the kids, how will I explain to clients that they will have to wait because I am having a 'special rest'? I basically feel very selfish for even thinking about approaching this, how can I possibly just up and leave my life for a few weeks. My husband will most likely not cope and he will resent me, and he will make it so much harder (this is a whole other story)... I know I can't help it, I suppose I think that I have survived this long out of hospital, may as well keep going with it. I convince everyone around me that i am completely fine. My own mother would be shocked to think I even require being in hospital. I am that good at playing happy and in control.

 So of course I convince my psych team of that too. I would never even think to ask them if I could go into hospital, I would feel like a huge drama queen. A huge part of my problem is asking for help, I just feel like I should be able to cope even when I'm not. Asking for help is admitting defeat and I have a huge fear of being perceived as a drama queen or attention seeker and my psychs are so new too... See? Sabotage. I need help but cannot get it, my mind stops me from getting it. I see both of them on Tuesday and by the time that rolls around I will have come up with a new "I can do this" plan.

How often do medical people actually say "I think you should be in hospital"? What do I have to do or how do I have to act? I do actually want help, I want to help myself. I cannot continue like this. 

This sucks. Sorry for the huge post 😞 

[mrkd1991]

Hi greygloves,

Firstly welcome to BB.

Your self sabotaging ways, I can strongly relate to. Making excuses, avoiding things that help, not taking your meds etc.

According to one psych I saw a while back, I should have been hospitalised countless times, most likely stayed there to. But, why would I do that, I don't need that, right? Self sabotage. 

Life commitments certainly do make personal priorities difficult, I can only imagine self employment would be harder with likely no one to fill your absence.

The next step that you need to commit to, is being honest with your doctors. To some, this seems 'obvious' and 'easy'. But we both know it's not.

Make this your next 'I can do this' plan, be strong and break free from the self destructive hold.

Focus some of your energy on yourself, and things will start to fall back together.

All the best, and good luck.

[Mangof]

Hi Grey gloves thanks for posting that takes bravery.

You are not alone life can get hectic and when you are a sufferer of depression and or anxiety it's easier to put yourself last. The mothers heart ,everyone comes first scenario yes I know it well, but guess what you matter and sometimes we need to do what needs to be done and when it's about yourself it can be the hardest thing you sound like it's all about everyone else, husband , kids, clients,etc I like you thought my world would fall apart but guess what it didn't taking medication doesn't mean you have failed, but that your accepting that you need them to be a better you be it for a short time or longer it doesn't matter it's there to help. I know about putting on a happy face for the world but in the end I hated living a lie and when I hit rock bottom at least I could release the burden of pretending to be ok and from the bottom the only way was up . Isn't it funny how other business people often take holidays time out,and it's never questioned? Yet for some including me in the past I felt I was letting them down. Book in some down time the clients will understand  they take holidays too!,have you thought about time with just you and hubby maybe get away without the kids then he can enjoy it too? Maybe a good heart to heart with him will help? Small steps are the easiest the world won't stop revolving if you put your needs first. Search your heart and listen you know what's best for YOU. Someone said to me the other day "I never thought it would happen to you! My reply is Why? Because I look like I have it together all the time this black Dog doesn't have a face it hits anyone even people like you..... Makes them understand a little more about judging I guess.

Be well, Stay well

Hope this helps

[greygloves]

I just wanted to say thank you for the replies. It means a lot to know people will take the time to share their experiences and friendly advice. Sometimes, it means everything to someone who is sinking.

 I was open with my therapist and I am being admitted in the morning. I feel so deflated and defeated. I really just want to get better and start living a positive life. I have a long way to go but this is a start. I'm scared and I dont want to go or what to expect this time. I don't want to leave my two kids, they are so little and need me. But whats the alternative? I just want to sleep.

 Thank you again.

[Lori]

Hi greyglove,

Welcome to the Beyondblue forums! 

Firstly would like to say welldone for reaching out to us that is amazing! I am sorry to hear about the hard times your going through at the moment and what you have been through in the past. Don't sabotage yourself too much your a strong person clearly and you deserve the very best. 

If you need help it's completely fine to get it, there is so much support out there and plenty of people are happy to help you hopefully your husband won't resent you, he just obviously doesn't understand but maybe it's something you need to  explain to him. Your kids will always love you no matter what but you need to make sure you look after yourself too though.

It's good that you are in therapy i know what it's like to want help but just are to afraid of asking i can relate 100% but unfortunately these things take so long but you will get there in the end.

I really hope being in hospital this time is too bad for you and i hope that soon you find something or someone that can help you and can help you recover asap!

Stay strong, your doing really well keep in touch and let us know how it goes!

- Lori 🙂

[Ale_an]

How are you going? I too am thinking I need hospitalisation as I can't sleep and have taken sleeping tabs for a few weeks with no end in sight. I have primary school kids and am terrified of leaving them without mummy