Help- therapy advice leads to family melt down what do I do now

[Rosebud78]

So I have started to see a new therapist, who is just filling in until I can see someone else in her practice who is better suited to my needs apparently, 🤷‍♀️ and what she had me do today regarding boundaries has basically got my whole family in melt down.
After just 1visit (this was only the second visit) she said that I had very bad boundaries(and yes that is right) and that I needed to tell my 20somethings foster/adopted sons and daughter-in-law who all have trauma backgrounds of their own what I need from them in our home. They may not have been big things but her way of doing it-via a letter that I put in the fridge for them to read- went very very very badly.
The kids now think that I don’t love them or want them at home. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to sort out this mess at home nor do I want to go back and see this woman again! I feel as if I have destroyed everything that my husband and I have worked hard to build. Like I have lost my whole family.
I just don’t know how to move forward

[therising]

Hi Rosebud78

I can hear the stress and disappointment in your words and my heart truly goes out to you.

It's incredible how much power words can hold. Obviously, your therapist underestimated the power of her words and exactly what they'd trigger in the people around you.

Being a sensitive person, I find words to hold very different meaning for me compared to how a less sensitive person would hear or read them, almost like an entirely different language at times. With you being a guide to both adopted and fostered kids, I imagine you to be a beautiful sensitive person. You are a gift in their life. You deserve to be treated like a gift, something/someone special. What would you put on the fridge, to replace the words that have obviously wounded others? How could you replace the words of the therapist? For example

• You are not a guest in this house, for this is your home. Take care of your home. I am not your housekeeper, I am the person who loves you and cares for you. Take care of the person who loves and cares for you. Do not leave all the hard work to them

could replace

• If you wish to live in my house, you will live by my rules and here they are...

I find words to be deeply revealing at times therefor there will be times where I'll ask myself 'What is it I wish to reveal to the people around me?' Can you imagine how you would spark inspiration and true revelation? How would you trigger the feelings that come with inspiration and revelation? How could you trigger the feeling of love and the feeling of the power of supporting another (you)? Perhaps love and empowerment are unfamiliar feelings to some of the people in your home. I can imagine you triggering them by leaving little Post It notes around the house. If you're lost for words, there are many great quotes of support to be found on the internet. Perhaps these quotes may even inspire and reveal much to you. A beautiful one that speaks the truth:

'Everyone has inside them a piece of good news. The good news is you don't know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is.' - Anne Frank

Perhaps you can trigger those around you to discover the best in themself. There's no denying you deserve more consideration and support from them. Being a mum myself, I know this can be a challenge at times.

🙂

[Here2Talk]

Hi Rosebud,

Sorry to hear that it didn’t go well dear. Maybe it’s a catalyst to get things started though?

Could you give a summary of what the problems you are having with the children/adult-children are, and what you said in the letter?

[Rosebud78]

Thank you for your words of encouragement and it’s definitely something I will look into. I did end up rewording everything and sending it via txt to each person focusing on them. Just expressing what I really needed not on the things that had to be done. For at least 2 of them it seems to have moved things forward. Hopefully it will for the last one too eventually. He is the most stubborn out of the 3 and probably the one I am most like. 🤷‍♀️ Maybe that is one of the issues with me not being able to bring it up in conversation.
when he is ready I will try and open up a conversation with him. I have chatted to his wife ( one of the adult kids at home) and she believes he needs time to process. Apparently they (the boys) felt attacked and unloved and unwanted. I have tried to be forthright and address that quite openly admitting that I stuffed up and handled things wrong and that they are my world. That I love them and want them in our home,even if it is a pressure cooker sometimes. I apologised for making them feel unloved and unwanted because that was not my intention and it hurt me very much that they felt like that. Being honest with them has seemed to help a little. I think now it’s just a case of time and reassurance for us all.
thanks again for your suggestions and I will look into those quotes

[Rosebud78]

Hi it has certainly worked to help my DIL talk to me about something similar her social worker has wanted her to talk about but she hasn’t wanted to because she was fearful of the overall family reaction. I am very glad about this because as I spoke to her more about what my needs were rather than the ‘jobs’ or expectations that had to be meet she was able to open up about what she needed.
honest my needs are 1for our home to have a calm gentle tone (so that means our TVs n game consoles can’t be competing vol wise all the time) 2. That we respect the things we have worked to earn like our furniture and entertainment things. 3. That we all show some respect for the work that my DIL does do to keep our home org. (I think cause we all work outside the home but her we take for granted sometimes what she does) and we want to be able to use our family space when they boys are at work so we do need them to love their gaming consuls away. There were some other things but that was it in a nut shell.
I still feel really really guilty for even asking for this or bringing it up. Especially as one of them isn’t talking to me at all. I’m TERRIFIED he is going to run and take his family with him and I won’t ever get to see them again! That’s my biggest fear. It is paralysing. Just so damn scared of that. I find it hard to breathe through it. I know it’s my fear(hopefully) but that doesn’t make it any easier.
thanks for your support guys it means the world to me

[Archer19]

Dear Rosebud,

what an amazing person you are.. so caring , loving, unselfish and doing everything you can to feel better within yourself.

I feel that letters can be a good way to communicate when speaking words don’t feel comfortable. But some psychologists don’t really give many examples.

And it doesn’t have to be like your running a military camp.

Lots of loving caring words, gratitude and being thankful for your children’s assistance and help in doing things can help.. even before they’d done it.. kinda reverse psychology.

For example-

Dear loving family,

Thank you so much for keeping your rooms tidy today and for clearing the dishwasher. You bring me joy each day.

Love mum

And even individual letters to each family member.. cute pictures of flowers and love hearts included.

When they’ve completed the task, praise them again.

You’re in a family unit and a team, and sometimes mamma needs to sit on the bench for a rest...

once you’ve rested, you’ll have fresh legs to play again.

Best wishes.🌸💕☀️🐝🐟🐯

[therising]

Hi Rosebud78

I'm so happy for you that things are progressing to some degree. Being such a thoughtful person, I imagine you'll make further progress as ideas come to mind regarding the way forward. It's challenging to say the least when we find we've opened up a can of worms but sometimes what can be discovered is a kind of wisdom amongst the worms. With you having the wisdom to truly express what everyone really means to you and with you having made everyone more conscious of consideration, this has possibly made an overall difference to them or most of them. Sounds like this has definitely made a difference to your DIL and perhaps even brought you closer. If she once only wondered about how much she's valued, now she doesn't have to wonder so much. It sounds like you've managed to open her mind for her to experience greater self respect and self love. She too has gained greater wisdom through this experience, thanks to you.

While 'What have I got to lose' can be a liberating question, it can also without a doubt be a paralysing and even breathtaking question at times. With the member who you fear will take his family out of the home, what do you have to gain by telling this family how much you love them? For it to be an almost spellbinding declaration of love, can you imagine what you would need to say in order to have them captivated through your declaration. Perhaps something like 'If you wish to know true love, deep from the heart, look to me. I love you from the core of who I am. If you wish to know someone who will both challenge you and bring out the best in you, who you naturally are, look to me.' If what you fear comes true and the family does leave, the members who wish to reconnect with true love and finding the best in themself, their natural self, will return when they're able. They'll come back to you. I know this is easy for me to say, as I personally have nothing to lose in your situation, but if there is one thing I have learned from the last 50 years I've been alive it's...You cannot open the mind of a person who flat out refuses to open their mind. The next best thing is to open the minds of those around them.

Continue to open the mind of your DIL, for I imagine she will welcome your beautiful mind altering life changing nature. She will grow and be stronger in her nature, thanks to your mentoring and support.

🙂

[Here2Talk]

Hi again rosebud. As mentioned by others, you seem like a lovely caring person. It’s very hard to share your house with other adults so you are doing a tremendous job there. One of the problems with you being very agreeable is that it actually causes you pain to upset other people, even if what they’re doing upsets you. But you need to have your needs taken care of too, which is what you’ve taken a step towards doing. As they’re all adults I guess if they don’t respect things like noise levels in a house they didn’t pay for then they should get their own place. But it sounds like many are actually considering what you’ve said. The one boy who isn’t talking to you- boys can often be less caring than girls, and less able to take the perspective of another. so maybe he is just not willing to imagine how you feel... I hope that changes in a bit.

Also you mentioned foster/adopted - was the boy who isn’t talking to you at the moment fostered? This may mean that other important relationships were unreliable in the past, colouring his interpretation. Just keep being reliably giving of your love (like you have been), but also making what you need a priority - this is your life too, you deserve respect and a calm mind.

You sound like a wonderful human rosebud, hope my words have helped. Let me know if anything doesn’t make sense or if theres anything deeper into this issue you want to keep talking about.
🙂

.

[Rosebud78]

Thank you all for your support words. All my kids have been through trauma background (even hubby and I) so it can be a mind field sometimes. Things have moved forwards in so many good ways. Others are still stuck but I’m being gentle with them just giving a little nudge ever now n then but over all things are much better now. My fosterlying (the 20yr old son) is much more settled and I think happier. And my adopted (the25yrold son) is back to his normal self.
my DIL has set up special times each week for us to spend with the kids so she gets alone time and we are working better together as a team. Much happier with how that is working.
but now I just need to get my brain n mood all working in the same direction as everything else and life will be great!

[Here2Talk]

Sounds really good! I wish you all the best, and come back to this thread any time you want to talk - whether it’s about your interpersonal relationships or your own past trauma that you spoke of.

Take care.