Got a question related to mental health? ASK DR KIM

[Chris_B]

Hi everyone,

This is a thread for asking questions of our resident GP and counsellor, Dr Kim, who pops into the forums regularly.

PLEASE NOTE as per our community rules, Dr Kim won't be able to answer questions about medications, these are best discussed offline directly with your mental health professional.

UPDATE - 01/03/2018
BEFORE YOU ASK DR.KIM PLEASE CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING POINTS:

• Dr Kim's time is limited! We cannot provide an ongoing dialogue with Dr Kim in this thread - one post/question per person please
•  We'd recommend you have a look through the forums before posting here to see if your question has already been answered by Dr Kim, our other members, or if there's information about it already on the beyondblue website. If a question pops up that has already been answered previously, or if alternate resources are available, one of our moderators will reply and direct you to the link.
• When writing your question, imagine you are speaking to someone in person i.e. provide a clear and detailed post with enough information that outlines how Dr.Kim can help you.

Background

After 20 years of experience working as a GP, Dr Kim realised in 2003 the aspect of her work she enjoyed most was talking to people and understanding the way they think and behave – and so she underwent training in counselling and therapy, where she now solely works.

Her experience includes working with a wide range of mental health issues including anxiety, depression and adolescent mental health.

“Given my training I also see couples, siblings, parents with their children and entire family groups,” she says. “In this work I hope to give families the skills to understand one another and have the strategies to communicate and manage relationships that are distressing them. I believe strongly that best therapy is achieved when there is trust in the therapist's ability but also their genuine desire to understand and help.”

[Confused1998]

Hi Dr. Kim,

I'll try to keep this brief, long story-short I feel so lonely and its making me depressed. I am surrounded by people all the time however I still feel so empty inside, like i'm in this sad void that never ends. I regularly go out with people so I don't feel so down, but the whole time I feel like i'm putting on a show by laughing so they don't think anything is wrong. I have talked about my feelings to close friends, and they are the most loveliest of people however I just still feel so sad, I usually cry myself to sleep most nights.

I am unable to maintain relationships and I dont know why... I never act sad when I try to get along with people? I think the fact that I just get used is getting to me? I'm trying my best not to get into a slump but its been getting harder to get out of bed every day to the point where I have been skipping university for no reason at all, because I have no energy even though I probably slept for 10 hours. What do i do?

[Dr_Kim]

Confused1998 said:

Hi Dr. Kim,

I'll try to keep this brief, long story-short I feel so lonely and its making me depressed.

You sound like such a lovely person. Trying so hard. I wonder if you are depressed and so feel lonely , or you are lonely and so feel depressed. 

You seem to think its the latter , so lets go with that but it could be the other way around too...

(If it is depression that is blunting your ability to enjoy things in your life, making you feel flat, exhausted and disengaged, then I suggest you speak to your GP about a programme for depression - probably starting with lifestyle changes and therapy at this stage …)

However if loneliness and lack of real connections is the issue then maybe you might need to think about what it is that stops you being a bit more authentic with people. I get the feeling that you feel that your real self would lead to rejection so you have to “act” not sad and “put on a show”. I think this sort of interaction with people does make one feel kind of awful after a while as the connections can feel kind of fake and like they are happening not to you but to a version of you. 

So.. my advice is 

1. See a GP and get a referral to sort out if you have underlying depression which may be making you have negative thoughts or see things in a way that is making feel sad and leafing to you crying at night 

2. Once you work out what the “real” you is - even if its not perfect , then allow your friends to see it. That is going to make it easier for you to be really present with them and not have to put on a show or feel weird about your true self .

This is the work of being open hearted - of allowing yourself to be vulnerable and trusting that you,  although not perfect, are good enough. Its a tough ask if you have depression though , so that why i suggest that you sort that out before you embark on the journey.

Check this out for inspiration 

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability
 

[Jesse2]

Hello DR. Kim thanks in advance for helping me out understanding why I feel this way.

​Long story short I was with a girlfriend we had a baby and she ending up hurting me. Ever since then I've be extremely sensitive with everything. One small thing or someone lashes out at me or anything similiar I feel really upset and down. Even to the point I just cry. Even as I write this message I feel emotional confused. I don't feel happy nor was I feel empty, but for a strange reason I feel like I want to be sad.

If it wasent for my family and my daughter I would of already tried committed to killing myself as I have already thought and planned how I could do that.

But still after that I just feel like I am over reacting being stupid or asking for attention.

I have noticed some days I feel so tired and slow that I cant function properly no matter what I do.

My future for me right now just feels so like it's too long and unnecessary as I believe I don't want to live past 50 to 60.

Sorry for the rant, I just want to know if I can feel happy continuously even if bad things happen.

Jesse

[Dr_Kim]

Jesse2 said:

Hello DR. Kim thanks in advance for helping me out understanding why I feel this way.

Hi Jesse, thank you for writing in to me.

I hear from your post that you are pretty crushed by this experience. It seems like your girlfriend really took hold of your sense of self and gave it a good pounding. She hurt you. Getting hurt by people we love is tough. However, it is part of the risk we take when we step into the arena of intimacy… we just might end up with a few bruises or a broken heart .. but the alternative is never stepping in. I applaud you for your bravery.

The sense of self that I’m talking about is super important if we are going to be resilient to crappy things happening to us. That sense that we are good enough , that we have something to offer the people around us , that we have some value to the community , that we are ok people. For feeling that your daughter is going to be enriched and happier for having you in her life than not. 

So I wonder why your sense of self is crumpled right now ?
Is it because it was not really strong in the first place … Or was the blow just enormous ? Or do you think it might be weakened  with depression ? Or maybe a combination of all three ? 

Lets look at self esteem:
 
So many of us are plagued by unhelpful thoughts or feelings  that hold us back from saying the things we want to say , doing the things we want to do or living the way we know we can.  Some of these unhelpful thoughts may even have started way back in our childhoods.

They can be placed there “by mistake” sometimes by family members, teachers or friends. Some parts of us believed these things and now they seem to just be “true”. We might need help to open up the filing cabinets in our brains and sort through what is ok for us to hold on to and what to let go. 

It sounds easy , but its so hard as we get into habits of thinking and habits are hard to break . Thats why speaking to somebody trained in the area will make it easier for you to open up those filing cabinets , hang on to the bits you like and change or let go of the bits that are bothering you.

You don’t need to have diagnosed mental illness to do this process. You don’t need to think that it makes you weak to do this . I would argue that it only someone really strong would take up the challenge to take a good hard look at them selves and sort things out .

Have a look at this Ted talk from Brene Brown . It might feel inspiring to help you to face your  vulnerable side and take on getting help:

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

If it is Depression, then I strongly suggest that you get some help immediately for that as it is TREATABLE . You are not being silly or “asking for attention” , you are seeking evaluation. Go to your GP and get a treatment plan. Please let them know of your suicidal thoughts . They won’t “lock you up” but they will take you seriously and give you a safety plan so that you know what to do if the thoughts get overwhelming. 

Please know that you can be happy even in the face of bad things happening. This called resilience and it is a crucial life skill that is not necessarily innate but can be learned. They teach it now in many schools! In fact Martin Seligman has a whole field of psychology based on this :

https://www.ted.com/talks/martin_seligman_on_the_state_of_psychology

I believe that you Jesse CAN turn this around. You can change your story to show your young daughter how people overcome adversity , how they pick themselves up and dust themselves off and move forward. You can be her example of how to be when things DON’T go her way as it is inevitable that sometime in her life it will happen to her . You will be ideally placed to be her best side through those times. 

Find your strength . Nurture and grow your sense of self , treat any depression and find a sense of purpose. One day , you will be ready to bravely step into the arena of life again … and take whatever it throws at you only this time I hope one little girl will be cheering from the side lines .

PS Jesse , for immediate support ring Lifeline on 13 11 14

[ZN]

Hi this is my first time ever talking about this really and that's also sort of the question. I have depression (I think) and have suicidal thought almost daily but I can't tell anyone about it and I cannot get to a doctor or any sort of professional on my own I need to know if there's anything I can do other then just waiting until I'm older and do have the ability to see a professional by myself.

[Loatsoul23]

I have just packed my bags and moved from one state to another, it's been three months, and almost everyday in those three months I can't get out of bed, I'm constantly tired, I am eating non stop, I can't stop smoking, I don't like going out in public because I'm scared of the people here, I am petrified being in this house alone. I need someone to talk to, someone to guide me and help my decide what I need to do with myself ☹️

[Sophie_M]

Hi Loatsoul23,

Welcome to the forums and sorry to hear things aren't so great at the moment.  It sounds like you need some ongoing support at the moment, and this thread is designed for one-off specific questions to Dr Kim, our resident GP and counsellor.  We'd suggest you start a new thread in the Welcome area and give our community an idea in the post of how we can best support you.

[Dr_Kim]

ZN said:Hi this is my first time ever talking about this really and that's also sort of the question. I have depression (I think) and have suicidal thought almost daily but I can't tell anyone about it and I cannot get to a doctor or any sort of professional on my own I need to know if there's anything I can do other then just waiting until I'm older and do have the ability to see a professional by myself.

Hi there,

I am so glad that you asked this question as there is so much that you can do that might help.

I am thinking that you might be young as you say that you can’t get to a doctor or health professional . If you are and you can’t go because you can’t get there or you don’t have family support to get you there then may be think of a couple of options

1. Talk to someone at your school or Uni or Tafe if you attend that sort of institution . They usually have free access to that sort of thing there so that might be a start. It is confidential and geared to help young people to understand their thinking and find ways though their problems.

2. Look online. People of my generation spend a lot of time bagging the internet and “ screen time” in general but it does have its up side. One is that it can allow people to access quality information and online support if you know where to go.

So if you think you might have depression and are having bad thoughts including suicidal ones I suggest you look at websites like 

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/depression
https://www.sane.org/mental-health-and-illness/facts-and-guides/depression
https://www.headspace.org.au/assets/Uploads/Resource-library/Young-people/Depression-web.pdf

However the next step is talking to someone about YOUR specific thoughts , feelings,. situation. I suggest calling eHeadspace 
https://www.eheadspace.org.au/

You can talk or email them to get more personalised advice.
Or you can contact Beyond Blue
https://www.youthbeyondblue.com/

Another great service is the REACH organisation
http://www.reach.org.au/we-are-reach/#who-we-are-section

I hope this gives you some leads .. The overall message is - you are not being a drama queen ( or king!) . You are being responsible in looking after yourself and strong in challenging the thoughts and feelings. Don’t ignore it. Talk to someone ..in person , over a phone or on line.

[ZN]

Thanks Kim

i have tried to see the counsler at my school a couple years ago during a really bad stage and then they pretty much forgot about me before I saw him even once and I never heard from them again I can't call anyone to talk to either but I can and will try the websites you linked but this is mainly to add on to my first post with some extra information.

anytime I've tried to talk to someone I've been either turned down or forgotten e.g. My school telling me that I will get to see the professional they have then never talking to me again really or my mum saying she'll try to find if there's anyone I could see then ignoring and forgetting about me other then occasional disgusted remarks about my self harm after these events I don't feel safe telling anyone anything anout me or my feelings this is the first time I've questioned that wasn't in my head I'm not sure what to really do but I will check those websites

thanks again.

[abrahams]

both my husband and myself went to the doctors for help but got no where what can i do now?