Got a question related to mental health? ASK DR KIM

Chris_B · ‎23-08-2016

Hi everyone,

This is a thread for asking questions of our resident GP and counsellor, Dr Kim, who pops into the forums regularly.

PLEASE NOTE as per our community rules, Dr Kim won't be able to answer questions about medications, these are best discussed offline directly with your mental health professional.

UPDATE - 01/03/2018
BEFORE YOU ASK DR.KIM PLEASE CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING POINTS:

Dr Kim's time is limited! We cannot provide an ongoing dialogue with Dr Kim in this thread - one post/question per person please
We'd recommend you have a look through the forums before posting here to see if your question has already been answered by Dr Kim, our other members, or if there's information about it already on the beyondblue website. If a question pops up that has already been answered previously, or if alternate resources are available, one of our moderators will reply and direct you to the link.
When writing your question, imagine you are speaking to someone in person i.e. provide a clear and detailed post with enough information that outlines how Dr.Kim can help you.

Background

After 20 years of experience working as a GP, Dr Kim realised in 2003 the aspect of her work she enjoyed most was talking to people and understanding the way they think and behave – and so she underwent training in counselling and therapy, where she now solely works.

Her experience includes working with a wide range of mental health issues including anxiety, depression and adolescent mental health.

“Given my training I also see couples, siblings, parents with their children and entire family groups,” she says. “In this work I hope to give families the skills to understand one another and have the strategies to communicate and manage relationships that are distressing them. I believe strongly that best therapy is achieved when there is trust in the therapist's ability but also their genuine desire to understand and help.”

KBC · ‎21-06-2017

Hi. I have been in a relationship with a wondeful man for past 9 months. He has beautiful kids whom he loves very much. He has a problem with gaining the fair amount of access as his ex makes it very difficult out of spite. When she takes it away he sinks into a low and shuts everyone off. Im not sure what to do. I like to be a very supportive partner. I always have. We don't live together but Im finding it hard being shut out. I want to help to the best I can, be there, support. But hes very up & down. These problems will be there unfortunately for at least another 10 years. Courts haven't helped him get better access.

I just don't know what to do.

rustypat17 · ‎21-06-2017

I dont think anyone can help me my girlfriend left me in march cause she found out i used drugs for 15 years we were only together 9 months but new each other from high school the day she left i quit ice and havent touched it since i went a bit weird cause she totally stopped talking to me and me wanting answers i kept ringing and texting her now i she has put a dvo on me and me still wanting closure kepting texting her and she has breached me for 3 breachs and a week later has breached me again im very hurt cause my messages are nice just asking for her to just give me some answers about a few things so i can have closure so i can move on and thats all the texts were i live in queensland and they are putting people in jail for breaching dvo i cant move on or even try to cause i need closure i did everything for this girl and her two kids now they all hate me i just dont know how much more i can take ive already tried attempting suicide i just dont know if i can keep going im devestated and if she dont give a crap about me maybe she might realise what she has done by all this that she might not do it to anyone again i begged her just to to give me answers so i could move on but she kept ignoring me i dont think anyone can help but i needed to say this to someone

Dr_Kim · ‎22-06-2017

Chopper86 said:
Hi there,

I feel I am a generally happy go-lucky kind of guy, however, over the last 12 months I have had multiple 'episodes',

Hi Chopper86,

I think you really need to sort out what is going on and there are so many potential causes for this sort of thing that you really need a good GP to help you check everything out.

I mean, I don’t have much to go on so it is hard for me to give you any diagnosis, but these sorts of things can be organic ( physical) due to problems in heart rhythms or blood pressure, or due to neurological things like petit mal seizure , or it could be a medication reaction or a allergic reaction to something or a neuromuscular issue or any number of physical things that need to be ruled out.

Or it is also possible that you have a psychological reaction. That there is a part of you that doesn’t want to be present for is kind of “checking out" and removing you from the situation. When this happens to people , the mind is trying to kind to itself by not allowing the person to be exposed to a a situation that it thinks might be super stressful for it. Often it gets it wrong though and puts in the “dissociation” response at the wrong times.

The twitching and passing out momentarily can happen as a consequence of hyperventilation which occurs when people over breath and get TOO much oxygen in their system. Hyperventilation can occur when people are stressed and their fright and flight response kicks in and drives their respiratory and heart rate up. Its not uncommon that people don’t really notice the internal changes in their systems until it has floored them ( literally!).

So , first step is to rule out organic causes .

Second thing to do is to get better aquatinted with your breathing and body . I highly recommend a mediation or exercise class or app - whatever suits you. I like the Headspace App for meditation.

Third thing might be to get a referral to a psychologist to look at possible causes for the hyperventilation .

Dr_Kim · ‎22-06-2017

KBC said:
Hi. I have been in a relationship with a wondeful man for past 9 months. He has beautiful kids whom he loves very much. He has a problem with gaining the fair amount of access as his ex makes it very difficult out of spite. When she takes it away he sinks into a low and shuts everyone off. Im not sure what to do. I like to be a very supportive partner. I always have. We don't live together but Im finding it hard being shut out. I want to help to the best I can, be there, support. But hes very up & down. These problems will be there unfortunately for at least another 10 years. Courts haven't helped him get better access.

I just don't know what to do.

There seems to be 2 issues that you need to manage side by side:
1. You want to be a great supportive partner to him
2. You need to ensure that your needs are met

In order to be a good partner to him, you might need to ask him what that means for him at the moment and that role may change lots of times . For example, sometimes being a great partner means stepping forward and being very involved and helping to organise things or advocate on your partner's behalf. Other times it means stepping back and allowing them to navigate their problems in their own way. It is hard to be “ shut out” but easier if you know that it is really helpful and something that he appreciates and needs from you.

However ( isn’t there always one of those!) .. it is important that you think about your boundaries and needs to. So, you may say to him something like .. I am prepared to give you space when you need to deal with the pain of not being with your kids alone, however I do expect the courtesy of a phone call or text to let me know ….Or I can give you space and be shut out , as long as that is followed up by some time together and some letting me feel close to you again.

Your needs are important too and no one likes to be “shut out” . If you regularly put your needs in the bottom on the pile as his seem SO much more important , it may eventually make you feel angry and resentful .. so be honest with yourself and him and ask him to be the same.

Dr_Kim · ‎22-06-2017

rustypat17 said:I dont think anyone can help me my girlfriend left me in march cause she found out i used drugs for 15 years we were only together 9 months but new each other from high school the day she left i quit ice and havent touched it since i went a bit weird cause she totally stopped talking to me and me wanting answers i kept ringing and texting her now i she has put a dvo on me and me still wanting closure kepting texting her and she has breached me for 3 breachs and a week later has breached me again im very hurt cause my messages are nice just asking for her to just give me some answers about a few things so i can have closure so i can move on and thats all the texts were i live in queensland and they are putting people in jail for breaching dvo i cant move on or even try to cause i need closure i did everything for this girl and her two kids now they all hate me i just dont know how much more i can take ive already tried attempting suicide i just dont know if i can keep going im devestated and if she dont give a crap about me maybe she might realise what she has done by all this that she might not do it to anyone again i begged her just to to give me answers so i could move on but she kept ignoring me i dont think anyone can help but i needed to say this to someone

Ok .. this is going to sound a bit rough maybe but also I hope it helps you to see whats happening so it might seem clearer to you.

Firstly i want to say how much I respect your decision to stop using ice as that must have been really hard, especially during these stressful months. I also want to applaud you for writing in to us and being so open and honest on the post.

However, there is something I need to point out. You say you wanted “closure”. I am getting the picture from the way your ex is behaving that the communication door was firmly closed off from her side and you were refusing to respect her wishes to end the relationship.

What you see as “wanting closure” she is seeing as harassment.

You might feel you are owed answers and explanations to further your understanding and move on but unfortunately, once someone has broken up with you, they don’t owe you that . Your opportunity for deep understanding about the way she thinks or feels happens DURING the relationship not AFTER. So your attempt to sort things out in your head by contacting her afterwards was totally understandable but unfortunately going to get you into trouble if it isn’t welcomed.

Many of the lessons that we need for “ closure” after a relationship are actually to be found with in ourselves .. not our partners anyway..

You sound like a really caring loving guy who tried really hard with her and her kids. What I hope you can do is see that you have strengths ( well you gave up ice for one , and you wrote this post for another!) and I hope that you can take what you learned from this experience and move into your next relationship with some better knowledge and awareness about how to do things so it doesn’t end up hurting you like that again.

We all make mistakes. We all get hurt when we get into relationships. The trick is to learn and take the lessons and move on. I hope you can maybe see that you are not doing something bad from wanting to communicate but that your timing needs to get better. Maybe just communicate a little earlier next time and I really hope that you will find a happier healthier relationship.

As for the suicidal thoughts . Please know that they are often like waves and it is important to know how not to catch them but to let them pass under you. Please use a help line for someone to talk to if you have to while the thought feel strong:

Lifeline 131114
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 5467
Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636

skye_louise · ‎23-06-2017

hi this is Skye. my friend is having suicidal thoughts and i'm trying to support and help her. i keep telling her that i am here for her but she doesn't like me helping she wants everyone to leave her alone. i have tried going to the counsellor but she just gets mad at me just because i'm supporting her. she has also tried self-harming. i have also tried telling her to come on here so she can get help but she is refusing to and to go to a counsellor... what do i do to help her?? it is also leading me to depression and anxiety. i am also loosing lots of sleep i am that concerned about her. can you please help me?

kind regards, Skye

Sophie_M · ‎23-06-2017

Hi skye louise, thanks for posting. Dr Kim has a number of posts to answer at the moment, so won't be able to reply to this until Monday. In the meantime, we have a section on our website which addresses situations like this when you are helping someone else:

https://www.youthbeyondblue.com/help-someone-you-know

This also includes information on how to look after yourself in situations like these.

Dr_Kim · ‎27-06-2017

skye louise said:
hi this is Skye. my friend is having suicidal thoughts and i'm trying to support and help her. i keep telling her that i am here for her but she doesn't like me helping she wants everyone to leave her alone. i have tried going to the counsellor but she just gets mad at me just because i'm supporting her. she has also tried self-harming. i have also tried telling her to come on here so she can get help but she is refusing to and to go to a counsellor... what do i do to help her?? it is also leading me to depression and anxiety. i am also loosing lots of sleep i am that concerned about her. can you please help me?

kind regards, Skye

Hi Skye,

You sound like a great friend and I really commend you writing to us here for help as this is exactly what you need to do .

You are only 14 . This means that you are not in the position to take on the responsibility of caring for anyone else's needs . Gosh! At 14 one is barely able to sort out ones own needs!

So I wouldn't be upset with myself if I was you for not having all the answers for your friend . You're not meant to .

You are however meant to pass this to someone in a position of responsibility that can manage it.

So tell a trusted family member, a trusted teacher , a school counselor or her family member and then sleep soundly at night knowing you have done all that is expected of someone your age. I am disappointed that your a counsellor got “ mad at you” for supporting her but maybe they were trying to get you to not take the responsibility for her and you took that to mean that they asked you not to help her. It might even be worthwhile checking this with them .

I hope this is a helpful start for you.

Mr_Hopcraft · ‎27-06-2017

Hi Dr KIm

Im new to Beyond blue is this the correct way to talk to you about mental health issues?

Sophie_M · ‎28-06-2017

Hi Mr Hopcraft, if you have a look back at the first post in this thread you'll see what this thread is for. Dr Kim is a GP and counsellor who can answer one-off questions about mental health issues. This is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice.