Got a question related to mental health? ASK DR KIM

[Chris_B]

Hi everyone,

This is a thread for asking questions of our resident GP and counsellor, Dr Kim, who pops into the forums regularly.

PLEASE NOTE as per our community rules, Dr Kim won't be able to answer questions about medications, these are best discussed offline directly with your mental health professional.

UPDATE - 01/03/2018
BEFORE YOU ASK DR.KIM PLEASE CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING POINTS:

• Dr Kim's time is limited! We cannot provide an ongoing dialogue with Dr Kim in this thread - one post/question per person please
•  We'd recommend you have a look through the forums before posting here to see if your question has already been answered by Dr Kim, our other members, or if there's information about it already on the beyondblue website. If a question pops up that has already been answered previously, or if alternate resources are available, one of our moderators will reply and direct you to the link.
• When writing your question, imagine you are speaking to someone in person i.e. provide a clear and detailed post with enough information that outlines how Dr.Kim can help you.

Background

After 20 years of experience working as a GP, Dr Kim realised in 2003 the aspect of her work she enjoyed most was talking to people and understanding the way they think and behave – and so she underwent training in counselling and therapy, where she now solely works.

Her experience includes working with a wide range of mental health issues including anxiety, depression and adolescent mental health.

“Given my training I also see couples, siblings, parents with their children and entire family groups,” she says. “In this work I hope to give families the skills to understand one another and have the strategies to communicate and manage relationships that are distressing them. I believe strongly that best therapy is achieved when there is trust in the therapist's ability but also their genuine desire to understand and help.”

[Amber1]

Hi Dr Kim,

I am currently studying Year 12 and am undergoing the research project. I am looking into To what extent does cardio (aerobic exercise- walking, jogging, cycling etc.) take effect on ones mental health.

I came across this online forum and thought it may be useful to post on here to seek any information you have or opinions on the topic. It will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

[Sophie_M]

Hi startingnew and Amber, unfortunately we can't assist with either of these questions - as mentioned at the start of this thread, Dr Kim is unable to answer questions to do with medications. These are best discussed offline with your health professional.  

Our community rules also state that the forums can't be used for research projects. There is plenty of information available online about the benefits of exercise for mental health, we would suggest starting with Google and going from there. 

[elbets]

Hi Dr Kim,

I'm 17 years old and I'm writing to ask about my mothers mental health. Over the past 10 or so years, her personality has changed completely. We have ignored it but recently it is becoming a bit too much for me to handle and I am worried that I will begin to resent her for the strain she has unknowingly put on my childhood. My mother is also profoundly deaf

I began to notice a change after the death of her mother in 2010, she wasn't particularly close with her mum but I think that may have set it off. She acts extremely childish and is very stubborn, she neglects me and favours my brother a lot. She has isolated herself from all of her friends and sits in front of the TV all day, she will not work even though my father has been begging her to get a job. She has no concept of social norms, will not leave the house on her own unless persuaded. She does not clean herself, wash her hair, brush her teeth etc. Every time she is asked to help with the chores she refuses or complains, then does a very mediocre job. She teases and taunts me trying to wind me up. She spends my fathers money as soon as she can, despise his desperate pleas for her not to. She says things that a 'normal' person would know not too as it is innaproriate. Her diet could potentionally lead to a life threatening illness if she continues eating the way she does. Talking to her is like talking to a brick wall, she doesn't seem to comprehend things.

I could go on forever, she spends all day sitting in the same spot watching day time television. Often forgets she is cooking and burns her food, or forgets she is running a bath. She forgets to pick me up. There is probably a lot more that I am forgetting. Although sometimes, very rarely, she becomes herself again but I have to watch what I say or do as I could easily set her off. I cherish those moments as I miss her, but at the moment I can't stand to be around her. She does not seem unhappy or depressed, maybe anxious in social situations, especially when communicating wit strangers, which I expect is linked to her hearing impairment

I am just really desperate to help her and selfishly, to help myself because I want her in my life, I want a 'normal' mother, or at least one I can talk to properly.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate it 🙂

[gld]

Hi elbet,

I was just reading through some posts in the Dr Kim section and came across your post. You have come to a good place to find support.

I feel you are wise beyond your years and it is awesome that you are refusing to continue to put your head in the sand about things that are concerning you at present.

The most important thing is to look after yourself and your own well being. Have you got a good GP you could visit to discuss the issues that is concerning you at present.

You are going through some challenging concerns and i feel i am far from being an expert on this matter but have experienced finding help for someone who did not seek help when they needed it. Finding help for someone who is not well is not always an easy task and it could take a little time. Gaining support with your other family members could help you greatly. Talking to someone who is knowledgeable in mental health is a great asset as they could help you choose the best avenue to take with your situation.

Look after yourself and please be gentle on yourself because it is not easy to fix other people's issues without them wanting to do it themselves.

Gen [Hugs]

[Dr_Kim]

Hi there and thank you for your post. 

Firstly you are not being selfish for wanting a mum who functions normally in your life. One who you can look up to, who can support you, who can guide you, who can model appropriate adult behaviours. It is great that you are wanting her to come up to your level of behaviour instead of thinking that in order to have a relationship with her you need to “go down” to where she is i.e. underfuntioning. 

I have no idea why your mum is behaving in that way. There are many possibilities from unresolved  issues within her own family of origin ( which may be important here as it started after her mum’s passing) ,to personality styles or disorders, to mental health problems. I just don't know. 

What I have worked out over the years is that it is almost impossible to make someone change if they dont want to. If your mum was doing all those things and miserable about it and begging for you guys to help her change , then you have an “in”- something to work with.

However , if someone doesn’t think they have a problem, or else can see they have an issue but doesn’t want to change, then you are really kind of powerless to make them do anything.

So.. where does that leave you ?

I think it leaves you in grief - Grieving the mum that you thought you were going to have, grieving the relationship that you once had, grieving the vision of the family you thought you could have and enjoy. 

It’s sad but it seems that you might have to let that go and come to terms with the reality of a new family. That includes a brother and dad that hopefully you can build a good relationship with. But it also includes a mother that may never be kind, caring and supportive of you. And it's not your fault . It is because she is unwell in some way and cannot extend what she should to her child and partner.

So, I say this with much sadness , but I think the best course for you is to let go of the hope of fixing your mum and if you want her in your life, then lower your expectations. Do not expect the “normal" mum that you can talk to properly as that hope will just keep getting smashed and it hurts every time. When she is nice, see it as a rare  & pleasant surprise.

Save yourself emotionally. Its like when someone is drowning , you need to make sure you have a life vest on first before trying to go over to them , or else they will pull you under the waves. Get your life vest on… Get your education, develop your friendships, develop your hobbies and interests, develop your family relationships that are going to be rewarding. Be kind to yourself , be proud of yourself and be strong. 

When you are at your best my hope is that whatever behaviours your mum dishes up, you will be able to be compassionate to her, see it as “her stuff”, nothing to do with you and disengage without being hurt by it. 

[Ozzymon]

I need advice on my son hes in deep depression and hes taking out his frustrations on his family, i dont know what to say or do?

[Moonstruck]

Dear Dr Kim

I don't think you can help me with this, nor if I can explain it properly. I seem to have a problem with "over thinking, at times leaning towards these thoughts becoming a bit paranoid". When faced with a choice, a decision -I can't take any course of action, or make a choice as I weigh up "what might happen if" regarding both choices, imagining clearly in my mind possible bad negative scenarios, the dialogue that goes on, the scenes taking place - all imaginary. (but this could also be my "gut feelings or instinct" warning me it is the wrong choice couldn't it?)

I don't know when to trust my "gut feelings" as we are advised to do in so many books, self -help aids etc...."go with your deepest inner feelings". Yes I could do that! BUT.....how can I tell if it's my "innermost gut feelings" OR my paranoid over-thinking pushing me towards a decision?

As I turn both possible outcomes over and over in my mind my anxiety reaches top level - I can't function properly, I almost have a panic attack just going about my everyday business - like a mouse on a treadmill. I can't get off, my head spins, I don't want to get out of bed with another day of indecisiveness hanging over my head. If I make the "wrong" decision I will have to apologise to everyone for doing so, berate myself for yet again being an idiot -etc etc.

Any advice on how I can tell the difference?......thank you for taking the time to read this....Moonstruck

[Morethanmoonandstars]

Hi Dr Kim,

I'm a 50 something y/o woman and have been depressed most of my life.

I'm fiercely independent and have just toughed it out for 40 years. I just can't do it anymore. I need to make some changes and simply don't know where to begin.

I've been on/off medication and in/out treatment numerous times with no real results. I'm disillusioned with the advice often given e.g. take care of yourself, eat well, exercise. What happens if your life style doesn't allow you to do so?

I'm a single parent of 2 young children, 1 with special needs. I receive no help/support from my ex husband of 10 years, in fact he only adds to our problems. I have no family/friends. I work full time and only manage to go backwards financially. I have no interests, no hobbies. I now also have significant health issues. The reality is I don't have the time or the money to address any of my issues and continue feeding my children.

For the first time in my life I'm scared. I no can no longer rely on decades ahead of me with unknown possibilities. There is no bright future ahead. I thought the last 1/2 a century was hard. I'm scared the next is going to be harder and I don't know what to do.

I have turned to this website in the hope of finding some practical suggestions, rather than some unrealistic advice.

Many thanks for your time.

[tiahleighj]

hey dr kim,

will do my best to keep it short. I am needing some assistance.

If someone are to be feeling extremely depressed and as though nothing is worth it anymore, feels as though they can't get out of bed and constantly thinks about suicide but has not yet made plans for suicide as such and feel they are at high risk of harming themselves, are they able to admit themselves to the hospital ward? or how severe do they have to be to be able to admit themselves? Is this a good option?

thank you.

[Dr_Kim]

Ozzymon said:I need advice on my son hes in deep depression and hes taking out his frustrations on his family, i dont know what to say or do?

Hi - Your situation is all too common and I just a quick scan of the websites shows that most of them have a section devoted to this exact problem … so you are definitely not alone.

https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/getting-help/helping-someone-else

https://www.sane.org/families-carers/39-refusing-treatment

https://www.headspace.org.au/friends-and-family/

Maybe think of these three things-

1. Be compassionate- think he is doing his best even though he his best at this time is actually pretty poor- its all he has. This view may allow you to be as kind as you possibly can to him and trust that his behaviour is because he is unhappy , not because he is not nice or doesn’t like you etc.

2. Place boundaries - It is important that you are able to maintain a sense of wellbeing in your own home. Thus, I do feel it is ok to gently place boundaries around his behaviours if they are becoming unreasonable or distressing. Something like “ I understand what we do seems frustrating to you, and I am going to understand if you need to get up and walk away or go for a walk around the block to cool off, however its not ok to swear at us or call us names as a way of managing your frustrations . Can you try another way ? “ ( Say this when he is calm ..)

3. Keep offering help - Gently present a case that you feel he is not his “best self” .  That you are concerned that he isn’t as happy as he might be and that he may be losing time in his youth feeling sad when there are treatments for this kind of thing. When he feels ready, you would be happy to support him by taking him to a GP , or a Headspace centre .. or even make the appointments for him or just give him some on line services like eHeadspace or Beyond Blue help lines or forums as a start. Remind him that you are not angry with him  but you feel sad for him watching him go through it. Tell him you won’t abandon him and that you will help him in whatever way he feels might be the first step. That you will be proud of him whatever he tries.

I hope this helps. Remember to get support yourself if you need it. It may even be a powerful tool to get a family therapist to have “meetings” to discuss whats happening in your family and invite him to come along. If he comes, great!  If he doesn’t , then you guys can discuss how to manage a resistant family member. The message he will get though when you all are at that meeting is very powerful . That you all care so much and that you want to help, but also that his behaviours are hurting you all.